Wiener Dog Nationals (2013)

RECENTLY, JACK-JACK WAS OBSESSED with dachshunds, aka “wiener dogs.” Whenever he’d see one, he’d point it out and giggle until the little four-footed frankfurter was out of sight.

So when I heard there was a new family film all about wiener dogs, I was on it like relish on a…well, you know…

Wiener Dog Nationals introduces us to the Jack family: unemployed widower Phil (Jason London) and his three children, teenager Skip (Austin Anderson) and kids Bridget (Caitlin Carmichael) and Danny (Julian Feder). When Danny adopts a wiener dog named Shelly for his birthday, he discovers Shelly’s got speed and enters her – unbeknownst to Phil – in the Wiener Dog Nationals, a real-life dachshund race sponsored by the Wienerschnitzel fast food chain. With the help of Wiener Dog Nationals employee Melanie (Alicia Witt), Shelly and the Jacks keep one step ahead of the scheming Ms. Merryweather (Morgan Fairchild), a filthy-rich debutante who’ll stop at nothing to see her wiener dog, Princess, win the big race.

For a film called Wiener Dog Nationals – about a wiener dog who enters a series of wiener dog races – the amount of screen time dedicated to wiener dogs is shockingly minimal. Ironically, Shelly is marginalized in her own film. In fact, there’s so much screen time dedicated to the Jack family’s internal strife and miscommunication, the film should’ve been called A Fractured Family – Oh, and They Have a Dog Too.

First-time feature director Kevan Peterson should have added establishing scenes of Shelly bonding with Danny and his family beyond the dog races (of which, there are only three in the entire film). How about the kids playing with the dog? Getting into wacky antics much to the dismay of their strict father? Even when Shelly turns on the hijinks, it’s all shown after the fact: ripped-up couch pillows here, a chewed-up newspaper there. Where’s the fun in that?

As the exasperated dad, London spends the entire film looking either perplexed or annoyed. Fairchild comes off as Cruella DeVil Lite as she schmoozes the race’s head judge (Mad Men’s Bryan Batt) when not resorting to espionage and blackmail (!) to get Shelly disqualified. And don’t get me started on the always-painful experience of watching extended scenes of marginally talented kid actors struggling to deliver dialogue to each other (see Opposite Day, Labou).

By the time the stakes are raised in Wiener Dog Nationals’ last act, it’s too little too late. Shelly’s screen time has been scant, simple questions are left unanswered, and it all ends with (spoiler alert!) a happy ending, but an underwhelming one that basically says, “Shelly didn’t win the big race, but thanks to two completely unrelated disqualifications, she’s the winner by default!” Um, yay?

Flat and forgettable, Wiener Dog Nationals’ ultimate flaw is simple: It has too much dialogue, and not enough dachshunds. Or, as my wife puts it, “Too many words, not enough wieners.”

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

All I could get out of FilmBoy regarding Wiener Dog Nationals was complete indifference. Did he like it? “Sort of.” Jack-Jack could not be reached for comment (he fell asleep before the ending).

Is it suitable for your kids?

Wiener Dog Nationals is suitable for all ages. A few uses of “stupid” and “losers,” and Phil and Melanie make awkward advances toward each other, but that’s about it.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

My wife was unimpressed with Wiener Dog Nationals’ plot holes and overall B-movie feel. She did hope that with Shelly’s race winnings, the Jacks can afford to get Danny a haircut. Major white kid ‘fro going on there.

Bad: Your dog drinks your milk.

Worse: She's lactose intolerant.

Wiener Dog Nationals (2013)
* Director: Kevan Peterson
* Screenwriter: Gregory Gutierrez
* Stars: Alicia Witt, Jason London, Morgan Fairchild, Marque Richardson, Bryan Batt, Caitlin Carmichael, Chris Moss, Laura Ann Kesling, Austin Anderson, Julian Feder
* MPAA Rating: G



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Pariah (1999)

MOVIES WHOSE subject matter is white supremacy or skinheads have always made me uncomfortable. So I was a bit apprehensive when planning to review Pariah.

But when I read that the film’s larger subject matter was revenge (a favorite of mine as evidenced here and here), my interest overtook my discomfort.

Plot:
Inspired by actual events, Pariah tells the story of Steve (Damon Jones) and Sam (Elexa Williams), an interracial couple (he’s white, she’s black). After Steve is beaten and Sam is gang-raped by a group of skinheads – ending with tragic results – Steve decides, months later, to infiltrate the group as a fellow skinhead to destroy them from within.

Critique:

Pariah writer/director Randolph Kret forces viewers to sit through many of the skinheads’ antics (gang attacks, drunken parties, slam dancing) as Steve makes his way into the group. At some point, you’ll find yourself saying, “get on with it” – you want Steve’s attempts at vengeance to come much sooner. (By the third act, the skinheads’ crimes and behavior manage to become shocking and monotonous at the same time.)

Not that I can speak from experience, but a noticeable portion of the skinheads’ dialogue seems forced rather than authentic. Whether it’s the actors’ deliveries or Kret’s script, it’s hard to say. (The sole exception is David Lee Wilson, who portrays one of the more hated punks in recent history as the scrawny, obnoxious second-in-command skinhead.)

Jones delivers a powerful performance as the tormented Steve, although he does go from defenseless victim to methodical infiltrator a bit too abruptly (more “training” for his skinhead persona would have been nice).

Unfortunately, Steve’s revenge never feels fully realized. It’s a rather unsatisfying ending, thanks to another group’s vengeance on the skinheads and Steve’s spontaneous, unfinished final blow to the gang. Frankly, I expected his payback to be a lot more brutal, considering what happened to him and Sam and the lengths he went to carry out his plan.

While Kret’s efforts are admirable, he comes up short in making Pariah an impactful film that stays with the viewer once it’s over. For a more memorable and unnerving portrayal of skinhead life, watch Edward Norton in American History X. That movie stuck with me for days, and still makes me shiver just thinking about it.

Rating:

Will your kids want to watch it?

It doesn’t matter, because there is no way any child should see Pariah. It features a very graphic gang rape, several other explicit sex scenes, a severe gay-bashing, a countless number of profanities and racial/gay slurs, and frequent drug use.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

I sure hope not. And if she does, steer her towards a better take on the topic: the aforementioned American History X.


Pariah
• Director: Randolph Kret
• Screenwriter: Randolph Kret
• Stars: Damon Jones, Dave Oren Ward, David Lee Wilson, Angela Jones, Elexa Williams
• MPAA Rating: R


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