Labou (2009)

*SIGH*. Another week, another anemic selection of G-rated kids’ movies on Netflix.

We wind up with Labou, an independent children’s film where three tweens – Toddster (Bryan James Kitto), Gavin (Darnell J. Hamilton), and Emily (Marissa Cuevas) – set out in the Louisiana bayou to find the lost treasure of Capt. LeRouge (Barnie Duncan), but on the way discover a cute little swamp critter named Labou.

After Opposite Day and Labou, I’ve had about all I can take of marginally talented kid actors speaking paragraphs of adult dialogue. For what it’s worth, Kitto is the best of the three kid stars and delivers his lines with the most conviction.

What’s even more frustrating is how the kids react upon meeting Labou. Most kids would probably say something like, “Omigod, it’s some kind of alien lizard creature! I hope it doesn’t have a taste for human flesh!” Instead, they’re merely curious about their not-of-this-earth discovery, and after five minutes they’re having an impromptu musical jam with him(!).

Labou is an animatronic creation (think Gremlins’ Gizmo crossed with a frog) who’s convincing enough to satisfy kid viewers, but adults will be much more cynical. He feels like he could have been plucked from a Jim Henson reject pile.

Even worse than his unconvincing appearance, Labou disappears from the film for stretches at a time – forcing viewers to sit through either a) the three kid actors trying to carry their scenes; or b) unfunny slapstick and insults between a pair of bumbling father-and-son developers (Earl Scioneaux and Chris Violette) who want to raze Labou’s swampland home and build an oil refinery.

While it’s too little too late, the last 20 minutes of Labou does hit on the magic that the rest of the film struggles to deliver, and it all ties up nicely at the end.

Bottom line: Writer/director (and veteran FX artist) Greg Aronowitz obviously made Labou for kids, and in that respect, mission accomplished. It’s a perfectly harmless, highly disposable children’s film that parents shouldn’t (and won’t) take too seriously.

Rating:

What did Dash and

Jack-Jack think?

Labou may test the attention spans of very young children, but gradeschoolers will probably find it entertaining. To that point, Jack-Jack had almost no interest in the film, giving up halfway through, while Dash stayed with it, paying attention at every line of dialogue and laughing several times. His final summation: “It wasn’t too bad.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

The only minor concerns in Labou are some name-calling (“loser,” “idiot,” and my personal fave, “Billy the Skidmark”) and a brief scene featuring a drunk person.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

She may enjoy the fact that Labou is almost totally harmless for children, though like most adults, I doubt she’ll actually enjoy it herself.

Aaarrrgh, indeed.

Labou
* Director: Greg Aronowitz
* Screenwriter: Greg Aronowitz
* Stars: Barnie Duncan, Darnell Hamilton, Bryan James Kitto, Marissa Cuevas, Earl Scioneaux, Chris Violette, Ray Nagin, Kelson Henderson
* MPAA Rating: G

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Pokemon: The First Movie (1999)

IT FINALLY HAPPENED. You see it happen to other kids, but you think, “It’ll never happen to my son.” But it did.

Dash discovered Pokemon.

For years, he’s been obsessed with all things Kirby, and still is. But earlier this year, somebody, somewhere – some enabler at his school – introduced him to the world of Pokemon and all it encompasses. And boy, it encompasses a lot.

Forget that the world of Pokemon has dozens, nay hundreds of characters to remember, each possessing unique powers and strengths – the Pokemon also battle each other at the behest of their human “trainers” (mostly tweens and teenagers), sometimes resulting in the winner’s trainer acquiring the defeated Pokemon from the losing trainer. Their never-ending mantra (“Gotta catch ‘em all!”) is so important that the main trainer, whose Pokemon includes the popular and adorable Pikachu, is actually named Ash Ketchum (get it?).

So it was only a matter of time till we tracked down the elusive, out-of-print* Pokemon: The First Movie, which chronicles the rise of Mewtwo, a genetically enhanced Pokemon cloned by scientists from the DNA of Mew, the rarest and most powerful of all Pokemon. Unfortunately, Mewtwo resents his existence as a scientific experiment with no true birth or purpose. Under the guise of a major Pokemon tournament, he lures the most powerful Pokemon and their trainers to his remote island, where he plans to destroy them all with his own army of Pokemon clones.

Don’t dismiss watching Pokemon: The First Movie just because you’re afraid you’ll be lost in a sea of Pokemon rules, strengths, weaknesses, and powers. The film actually puts plot and action first, probably in an attempt to reach a broader audience and not have parents scratching their heads or checking their watches. In short, you don’t have to know how to play the game to enjoy the movie.                                

Mewtwo is a surprisingly deep and dark character for the often bright yet occasionally violent world of Pokemon. He uses his psychic powers for everything from communication to devastation to personal assaults (think Carrie meets Darth Vader). And his ongoing internal dialogue about his existence and purpose in life brings up some heavy philosophical questions that we may ask ourselves from time to time.

I actually found myself compelled to find out how in the world the “good” Pokemon – led by Ash, Pikachu, and a handful of other Pokemon and trainers – were going to defeat Mewtwo and his Pokemon clones. Plus, the whole “invitation to mysterious island to compete in battle” has a nice Enter The Dragon vibe that, as a major fan of that Bruce Lee classic, I can truly appreciate.

In a terse but entertaining 75 minutes, Pokemon: The First Movie gives us a menacing foe with more depth and internal conflict than many live-action movie villains, as well as positive messages on the importance of friendship, the pointlessness of fighting (which some say goes against the whole premise of Pokemon), and the belief that teamwork and loyalty are the true ways to live your life. Then there’s the ending that, while a bit deus ex machina, might have you shedding a tear if you’re not careful.

Fun facts:

• For Pokemon: The Movie’s theatrical release, select theaters gave away exclusive Pokemon trading cards to ticketholders.
• The film’s soundtrack, featuring a who’s-who of late ‘90s pop music (Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, 98 Degrees, N*Sync, Aaron Carter) reached #8 on the Billboard Top 200 in 1999.

Rating:

What did Dash and Jack-Jack think? 

Since Dash is a more fervent follower of Pokemon than Jack-Jack, I expected him to have a more vested interest in the movie, and he did. He said it was “really good,” and I think I caught him getting emotionally involved during the ending. Jack-Jack could not be reached for comment (he was too tired to form an opinion).

Is it suitable for your kids? 

Pokemon: The First Movie is rated G, but there are a few scenes to consider when it comes to very young viewers: Mewtwo uses his psychic powers to blow up the lab where he was created, and it’s implied the scientists who created him are killed; some of the Pokemon battles, as well as the actions of Mewtwo, may be too intense for preschoolers and younger (explosions, electrocutions, biting, slapping, punching); and there is the apparent death of a major character.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it? 

While she may not seek out Pokemon: The First Movie, she might actually get caught up in it (based on the reasons above) if she gives it a chance.

 

It’s like looking in a mirror, only…not.

Pokemon: The First Movie 
* Directors: Kunihiko Yuyama, Michael Haigney 
* Screenwriter: Takeshi Shudo 
* Stars: Veronica Taylor, Philip Bartlett, Rachael Lillis, Eric Stuart, Madeleine Blaustein, Ikue Ohtani, Ted Lewis, Michael Haigney, Jimmy Zoppi, Kayzie Rogers 
* MPAA Rating: G

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* We found Pokemon: The First Movie in our local library system. If you’d rather not buy a used copy or pay a lot for a new one, try your library first. Sometimes they don’t realize the value or rarity of what they have.

The Green Slime (1969)

WATCHING BAD MOVIES CAN BE FUN. If a movie has the right combination of poor elements, it can be a blast to sit through. (I taught Dash about this with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.)

So when I saw that the long-heralded bad movie The Green Slime was airing on Turner Classic Movies (on the heels of a remastered DVD last year), I decided to see if it was possible to have a good time with this supposedly horrible flick.

Plot:
With a giant asteroid heading toward Earth, a group of astronauts led by Commanders Jack Rankin (Robert Horton) and Vince Elliott (Richard Jaeckel) disembark from a nearby space station to blow it up (sound familiar?). The mission is successful, but they return to the station unknowingly bringing back a gooey green substance that mutates into one-eyed tentacled monsters that feed off electricity. Soon the station is crawling with them, and members of the station’s staff are being zapped by the giant creatures.

Critique:

The Green Slime opens with an effective, mysterious shot of space – one that’s immediately marred as an obviously miniature space station comes into frame, orbiting in fits and starts as if the effects person who's spinning it is getting a wrist cramp.

Things don’t get any better from there. The film’s first 30 minutes, focusing on the destruction of the asteroid threatening Earth, features long stretches of dead silence as our heroes make their journey. No dialogue, no sound effects, not even a musical score. This is probably why I fell asleep three different times trying to get past this opening sequence.

Things go from painfully dull to laughably bad once the asteroid is destroyed. The biggest offender is the film’s special effects, including:

• Set pieces that often make The Green Slime feel like a Godzilla movie without Godzilla
• Rocket ships that look like something from a kid’s backyard launcher, or maybe the old Thunderbirds show
• Our heroes “floating” in space, obviously suspended by wires
• The titular green slime – gooey blobs brought to life by air bladders and the type of reverse film effect usually reserved for such high art as the Purina Cat Chow commercials

When we finally see the creatures that are spawned by the green slime, they’re revealed to be rubber-suited, hulking green beings who walk upright, have wavy tentacles and a giant red eye, and sound like baby ducklings stuck in an echo chamber.

If the effects aren’t bad enough to torpedo The Green Slime, other aspects of the film provide additional ammo to sink it:

• A ridiculous script with lines like, “Since that’s the way it is, let’s be sure that’s the way it is.”
• Random goofs, such as a gaping wound in Jack’s arm that mysteriously disappears (or rapidly heals) by the next scene later in the day
• Realizing they can’t shoot the aliens for fear of their spilled blood turning into more aliens, the crew resorts to – I’m not making this up – shoving hospital beds at the creatures and throwing helmets at them. (After that, they break out the heavy artillery: flashlights and flood lamps.)

The Green Slime was shot in Tokyo by Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku, who knew very little English and relied on a translator to give direction (many of the extras were American GIs from local military bases). It’s hard to believe he would go from directing this debacle to helming the Japanese sequences of the highly acclaimed Pearl Harbor film Tora! Tora! Tora! the very next year, after legendary Japanese director Akira Kurosawa was fired. Fukasaku also went on to direct the cult classic (and precursor to The Hunger Games) Battle Royale.

There are good bad movies, and there are bad bad movies. Despite occasional moments of cheese-tastic hilarity, The Green Slime lands largely in the latter category.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Green Slime is rated G, but it’s a “’60s G” in that the newly created MPAA was less scrutinous about questionable content in its all-ages G rating. Several men are electrocuted to death by the alien creatures; one man falls to his demise, his head splatting blood on impact; and we see the tattered, electrocuted body of one victim. There are also a few profanities, including several “hells” and “bitch” (as in “complain”). Tweens and older is probably the appropriate age.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Highly doubtful. Even if she’s into watching bad movies for fun, there are better choices than The Green Slime.

Fall in love with the groovy, out-of-place, deliciously awful theme song:

The Green Slime
* Director: Kinji Fukasaku
* Screenwriters: Bill Finger, Tom Rowe, Charles Sinclair
* Stars: Robert Horton, Richard Jaeckel, Luciana Paluzzi, Bud Widom, Ted Gunther
* MPAA Rating: G

Without Warning (1980)

IT’S FUNNY what you remember from your childhood.

A couple of years ago, there was a great website called Cultra Rare Videos, whose owner posted full movies for download – mostly out-of-print VHS or films in the public domain.

It was there I noticed Without Warning, a sci-fi/horror flick from 1980, and my mind immediately went to my grandparents’ house, where I watched it on HBO in their wood-paneled living room.

I remember thinking it was pretty awesome. I was also 11 at the time.

And even though I’ve been burned quite often trying to relive the greatness of movies I saw and loved as a kid (see: The Cat from Outer Space), I downloaded Without Warning, let it sit in my hard drive for two years, then finally re-watched it last week.

Plot:
With the use of disc-like flying creatures, an alien hunts human prey in a rural lakeside town – including four young adults on a camping trip.

Critique:

It’s hard to believe it took four screenwriters to come up with this.

The plot and dialogue of Without Warning are by-the-numbers moviemaking for early ‘80s horror: Clueless teens/twentysomethings go out in the country/wilderness, encounter local yokels who warn them of dangers, they pay no attention, proceed to their destination, make out, then get picked off one by one.

Without Warning’s biggest enemy is its pacing. Director Greydon Clark never latches onto a tempo to help build momentum or suspense. Sure, he creates a foreboding atmosphere here and there, but true terror is never achieved. (The most effective element is composer Dan Wyman’s spooky blend of piano tinklings and early ‘80s synth.)

The four lead young actors go through the motions as eventual victims to the alien and his Frisbee face-huggers. But just like the original Friday the 13th (also 1980) features a then-unknown Kevin Bacon, Without Warning has a then-unknown David Caruso (NYPD Blue, CSI: Miami) – who rocks the turn-of-the-‘80s gym shorts like nobody’s business.

In addition to the young foursome, Without Warning offers a two-for-one on eccentric character actors, each bringing their own brand of crazy: Martin Landau as the local nutjob who swears he’s also seen the flying alien critters, and Jack Palance as the local hunter who knows what the alien’s doing (“He came down here for the sport. He wants to get himself a few trophies.”). It’s hard to believe they’d each win Oscars for Best Supporting Actor a few years after slumming here.

Clark relies heavily on POV camerawork, for both the alien and its potential victims. He also pulls the Jaws card by not showing the monster until late in the film. But while Steven Spielberg’s classic does an unbeatable job of cranking up the tension and dread in place of showing the creature, Without Warning’s story and characters just plod along from one scene to the next until the alien is finally revealed in the last 15 minutes.

And even when the alien is finally revealed (in an admittedly cool shot where he’s standing stoically in a field, surrounded by low-hanging fog), he looks like something you’d see in dozens of ’50s B-movie sci-fi flicks: a giant bulbous head with pointy ears and teeth (1957’s Invasion of the Saucer Men comes to mind). He doesn’t do much but stand still and toss his flying creatures at people. I think he growled once.

The flying creatures are an interesting dichotomy: In flight, they look incredibly hokey; you’d swear you could see the strings if you squint. But once they’ve latched on to the one of their victims, the effects are largely impressive for their time: lots of pulsating/suction movements, expandable talons that puncture the victim’s flesh, and a nasty mouth on its underside lined with frantically gnashing teeth.

If you’ve never heard of Without Warning, you’re not missing much – unless you’re morbidly curious to see what cheapo B-sci-fi/horror films from the early ‘80s were like. Contrary to its title, you have been warned.

aka It Came Without Warning, The Warning.

Tidbits:

• Without Warning is basically a blueprint for Predator: A giant alien from another planet comes to hunt humans for sport. In fact, 7’ 2” actor Kevin Peter Hall played each alien in both films.
• The special effects and makeup designer, Greg Cannom, would win Academy Awards for his work in Dracula, Mrs. Doubtfire, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
• F Troop’s Larry Storch appears as a doomed scout leader, much like Dick Van Patten’s scout leader from Beware! The Blob.
• There has never been an official DVD release of Without Warning, due to the rights being sold to companies who then go bankrupt or are in financial turmoil (Orion Pictures, MGM). However, it’s pretty easy to find on YouTube.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Without Warning is rated R and features several scenes of graphic violence: The flying critters drill into victims’ flesh, accompanied by crunchy, gooey sound effects; Sandy and Greg find the bodies of the aliens’ victims in a shack, and two of them have gaping, gooey holes in their heads and eye sockets; Taylor shoots the alien in the arm, and blue alien blood squirts from the wound; Landau’s character accidentally shoots the local sheriff in the gut; and an explosion claims the lives of two key characters. There are also mild profanities here and there, and Tom and Beth make out by the lake.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Unless she has a soft spot for early ‘80s B-horror/sci-fi, I doubt it.

Looking at legs as white as those should come...(puts on sunglasses)...with a warning.
YEEEAAAHHHHHHHH!

Without Warning
* Director: Greydon Clark
* Screenwriters: Lyn Freeman, Daniel Grodnik, Ben Nett, Steve Mathis
* Stars: Tarah Nutter, Christopher S. Nelson, Jack Palance, Martin Landau, David Caruso, Lynn Theel, Neville Brand
* MPAA Rating: R

Rango (2011)

WHEN IT COMES TO animated feature films, there’s Pixar, DreamWorks, Blue Sky Studios (to a lesser extent), then everyone else.

Sure, Sony Animation Studios delivered the great Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs in 2009, but this summer they brought us The Smurfs – and from what I’ve heard, it’s smurfin’ terrible.

Now there’s a new player in the feature-length animation game: Paramount Pictures, who teamed with Nickelodeon earlier this year to bring us Rango…

Plot:
A pet chameleon (Johnny Depp) bitten by the acting bug is tossed from his family’s vehicle during a close call on a desert highway. He stumbles into the creature-sized western town of Dirt, dubs himself Rango, and uses his acting skills to make the townsfolk believe he’s a stone-cold killer who shouldn’t be messed with. Convinced of his toughness, the people of Dirt see Rango as the man who can help them solve the mystery of their vanishing water supply – and in turn, save their town.

Critique:
With Rango, director Gore Verbinski (who worked with Depp on the Pirates of The Caribbean films) delivers a fresh, offbeat, occasionally dark, and wonderfully unique picture. Working from an intelligent, homage-laden, and often funny script by John Logan (Sweeney Todd, The Aviator), Verbinski keeps everything moving at a steady clip without it feeling rushed, while making masterful use of foregrounds and depth (no doubt to emphasize the 3-D when Rango was in theaters).

Everything in Rango is wonderfully drawn and animated by Industrial Light and Magic (ILM). There’s jaw-dropping scenery of deserts and western landscapes, and the frontier town of Dirt is right out of a classic western – featuring rustic saloons, storefronts, and dusty streets. The townsfolk include a very colorful cast of creatures filling the standard western roles: the doctor, the bartender, the banker, the mayor (Toy Story 3’s Ned Beatty) the village idiot, the Native American, and yes, even the ladies of the oldest profession.

Casting Depp as a chameleon is an especially inspired choice, given his ability to transform himself into such diverse characters as Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, and Jack Sparrow. And it’s the ability to blend in which helps Rango hustle his way to the position of sheriff and leader of Dirt’s people as they struggle to find water to keep their town alive.

Rango also features a great mariachi-meets-Dick-Dale soundtrack by the legendary Hans Zimmer, with additional songs by Los Lobos. (Bonus: You haven’t lived until you’ve heard “Flight of the Valkyries” done with banjos.)


While it’s not for all ages (see below), Rango is an original and highly entertaining adventure with a heart at its sun-baked center. Fans of animation will love it. Fans of westerns will love it. Fans of both will most likely have a new addition to their list of favorite films.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Rango is rated PG. As you may expect from a western, there’s a-cussin’, and a-drinkin’, and a-shootin’ goin’ on in this here flick.
Language: There are a handful of “hells,” a cut-off “You son of a –,” and the phrases, “I’ll kill you, you stupid lizard!” “Sign the damn paper!” and “Go to hell!”
Smoking/Drinking: Several characters smoke cigars; there are subtle and obvious references to drinking and being drunk.
Violence/Scariness: There are numerous threats of violence; several animals are killed by being shot, crushed, or drowned; there are mentions of hanging suspected criminals; one character beats his grown sons with a stick; as a laugh, an armadillo is shown after being run over by a car; and Rattlesnake Jake (Bill Nighy), while an amazing feat of animation, could be scary to little children – especially when squeezing a potential victim and saying, “Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die.” (Didn’t Johnny Cash do that to a man in Reno?)
Humor: Most of the adult jokes are probably too quick and over the heads of kids, with mentions of “fecal matter,” someone’s prostate, and taking a laxative. At one point, Rango asks a naked torso of a Barbie doll, “Are those real?” There are also many citizens of Dirt with missing or artificial limbs, and one character goes through the entire film with an arrow through his head (via his eye socket).

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Even if she’s not a fan of westerns, she’ll most likely enjoy Rango. The characters and story are deeper than expected, and there are potential sparks between Rango and Bean (Isla Fisher), the town heroine.

No fair! I can't win a two-on-one staring contest!

Rango
* Director: Gore Verbinski
* Screenwriter: John Logan
* Stars: Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Ned Beatty, Alfred Molina, Bill Nighy, Stephen Root, Harry Dean Stanton, Ray Winstone
* MPAA Rating: PG (rude humor, language, action, and smoking)


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The Thing (1982)

*UPDATED 3/11*

I’LL MAKE THIS INTRO BRIEF and to the point: If you love sci-fi and/or horror, you must see John Carpenter’s The Thing.

Plot: Scientists at a remote Antarctic research station are confronted by a shape-shifting alien that assumes the identity of the people it kills.

As one of a dozen men inhabiting the research station, Kurt Russell is at the top of his game. He portrays helicopter pilot MacReady as a man who just wants to do his job, get paid, and get drunk – but then is partially forced, partially driven to take charge of the situation.

And forget everything you know about warm, fuzzy character actor Wilford Brimley (Cocoon, those Liberty Medical commercials); in The Thing he’s unpredictable, a bit frightening, and nearly unrecognizable (no Cap’n Crunch mustache) as a scientist who’s slowly losing his marbles.

Upon its release, The Thing was dismissed as a slimy, gratuitous remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic. But over the years, critics and fans have warmed to the film and appreciated not only Rob Bottin’s amazing pre-CGI special effects, but Bill Lancaster’s powerful screenplay, the bass-as-heartbeat musical score by Ennio Morricone (The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly), the nightmarish sound effects of the creatures, and Carpenter’s masterful hand at creating an intense atmosphere of isolation, paranoia, and distrust.

In addition to being a great film, The Thing also had great poster art (see above) and one of the best taglines ever, which can be seen at the end of the trailer (which is also pretty awesome):

And after all these years, after seeing The Thing dozens of times, there’s still one scene that makes me jump. I know it’s coming, but damn if I don’t jump anyway. Any guess what it is? Drop a comment with your thoughts; I’ll reveal the answer in a few days. (For the sake of Thing virgins, don’t use the name of the person involved besides MacReady – call him “Ishmael” instead).

Want further proof that you need to see The Thing? As of this writing, it’s #173 on the Internet Movie Database’s list of the top 250 films of all time.

(For more things Thing, check out the website Outpost #31. It’s astonishing how much information and material they have about this film.)

[UPDATE: Mr. Canacorn was the only one who tried to guess which scene in The Thing still makes me jump. While he wasn’t correct, his mention for his still-jump scene is actually mine too: the blood test! Four words: “We’ll do you last.” Take it away, Ishmael!]

Rating: 4.5 stars (out of 5).

Will your kids want to watch it?

Show one scene of the creature’s transformation to any male tweener, and they’ll be dying for more. However, I’d hold off letting them watch the entire movie for a couple of reasons:


1) While Rob Bottin’s FX are amazing, they are very bloody, gooey, and gory. And there’s also a dash of gunplay and adult language. In other words, its R rating is justified.
2) As a 14-year-old gorehound who saw The Thing on HBO, I was too young to appreciate all the other remarkable elements of the film besides the gnarly special effects.

I know teens are growing up much faster than in my day – and thanks to the Internet, they see more depraved things than ever before. But for your kids to truly appreciate The Thing, I would wait until they are at least a couple years older than I was at my first viewing.

Will your FilmMother like it?

This may be a broad stroke, but I don’t think too many FilmMothers will care for The Thing – which is a shame, because it has top-tier dialogue, direction, acting, and FX. (This is probably one to watch by yourself, with your buddies, with your teenage son(s), etc.) However, if she likes being scared or burying her face in your shoulder when nasty stuff happens on-screen, you may be in luck.


The Thing
* Director: John Carpenter
* Screenwriter: Bill Lancaster
* Stars: Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, T.K. Carter, David Clennon, Keith David, Richard Dysart, Richard Masur, Charles Hallahan
* MPAA Rating: R


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