Texas Chainsaw (2013)

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE has established itself as a true classic of relentless terror. But its many sequels, prequels, and remakes have delivered continually diminishing returns. This year’s Texas Chainsaw picks up where the original Chainsaw left off, with an opening sequence that shows the demented Sawyer family holed up in their farmhouse, surrounded by an armed, angry mob. The mob opens fire on the house and then burns the place down, apparently killing everyone inside – including the maniacal Leatherface, who wields the titular chainsaw and wears a mask of human skin.

Fast forward a couple decades, and we meet Heather (Alexandra Daddario), who learns that a grandmother she never knew has died and left Heather her mansion in Texas. Bringing along her friends Ryan (Trey Songz), Nikki (Lost’s Tania Raymonde), and Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sánchez), Heather heads to her grandmother’s mansion to finalize some paperwork. Turns out that inheriting Grandma’s mansion comes with a little snag: Leatherface (Dan Yeager) is alive and living in the sprawling basement, which he’s turned into his personal butcher shop.

Like the many Chainsaw films that followed the largely bloodless original, Texas Chainsaw piles on the gore – with Leatherface putting his trusty saw to use on several victims, including his own grisly not-so-magic trick of sawing a person in half. (Texas Chainsaw’s gore comes courtesy of FX master Greg Nicotero, who also worked on Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.)

But Texas Chainsaw is more than a story about a boy and his power tool; the sins of the past also come to light, as Heather discovers her connection to the Sawyer family – and uncovers the tragic demise of a family she never knew. Corrupt policemen, brutish locals, and small-town secrets start playing a big (if not bigger) role than the horror of Leatherface, and the film falls into some sort of horror/crime hybrid that dilutes any small shred of terror it succeeded in creating.

Texas Chainsaw director John Luessenhop should get credit for attempting a fresh approach to bridge to the original film, as well as taking the terror of Leatherface beyond the house of horrors and into the local population (police investigate the killings, and Leatherface chases Heather through a crowded town fair). But not even cameos by the original Chainsaw cast can save this latest lackluster attempt at keeping the franchise alive. Uneven, rarely scary, and hobbled by an awkward and unsatisfying conclusion, Texas Chainsaw is yet another sub-par installment in a film series where, nearly 40 years later, the first is still the best.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Texas Chainsaw is rated R for “strong grisly violence and language throughout.” So, no.
Violence: People are shot, impaled, bludgeoned to death, beheaded, dismembered, skinned alive, and ground into meat.
Sex/Nudity: Heather and Ryan make out, with Heather only wearing a bra on top. Nikki strips to her bra and panties on several occasions.
Language: Countless four-letter words. A couple mentions of “retard.”

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Highly doubtful. Even if she’s a horror film buff, avoid this one and watch the original.

Hmmm...decisions, decisions...

Texas Chainsaw
* Director: John Luessenhop
* Screenwriters: Adam Marcus, Debra Sullivan, Kirsten Elms
* Stars: Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, Scott Eastwood, Dan Yeager, Trey Songz, Shaun Sipos, Keram Malicki-Sanchez, James MacDonald, Thom Barry, Paul Rae, Richard Riehle, Bill Moseley
* MPAA Rating: R



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So Undercover (2012)

LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH: Miley Cyrus (Bolt) plays a private investigator named Molly (that’s Molly, not Miley) who’s hired by an FBI agent (Jeremy Piven) to protect the daughter of a key mob witness while the daughter is living in a college sorority house. To accomplish this, Molly (not Miley) goes undercover as a student to keep the daughter safe, while trying not to blow her cover or fall for beau-hunk classmate Nicholas (Joshua Bowman).

Whether or not you’ll enjoy – or even tolerate – So Undercover depends on how open you are to believing the FBI would put their trust in a two-bit junior PI to protect the relative of an important government witness. And for someone who’s been assigned to closely protect this relative, Molly spends large amounts of time apart from her as she endures numerous debriefings from Piven’s agent and makes goo-goo eyes at Nicholas.

So Undercover is almost nothing but variations of Molly unknowingly spewing a bunch of inside-speak about her profession, then poorly covering it up with a bimbo-esque declaration. As Molly’s boss, Piven brings more to his role than the film deserves, and it’s a bit sad that this is the kind of work you get after winning three Emmys on Entourage.

Devoid of laughs, charm, or believability, So Undercover is Cyrus’ latest attempt to shake her teenybopper image and play grown-up, complete with parading around in her underwear and occasionally swearing. But her cherubic looks and disturbingly bleach-white teeth betray her attempt at portraying a cynical FBI operative. Cyrus probably feels like she’s got something to prove to make America forget about Hannah Montana, but So Undercover is so not helping.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

So Undercover is rated PG-13 for “mature and suggestive content.” It includes mild profanities peppered throughout, alcohol consumption at a party, several close-ups of girls’ chests and/or cleavage, and random gunplay.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Unless your FilmMother is twelve (and if she is, you’ve got bigger problems), I doubt it.

(*sigh*) Of course they're making me do

Gangnam Style as part of the initiation...

So Undercover
* Director: Tom Vaughan
* Screenwriters: Allan Loeb, Steven Pearl
* Stars: Miley Cyrus, Jeremy Piven, Mike O'Malley, Kelly Osbourne, Eloise Mumford, Megan Park, Lauren McKnight, Autumn Reeser, Matthew Settle
* MPAA Rating: PG-13



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The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure (2012)

THEY COME FROM THE MAN who gave us the Teletubbies.

They look like Barney the Dinosaur, the Doodlebops, and H.R. Pufnstuf had a freaky three-way.

They had the worst box-office opening of all time.

And now, they’re coming to your home.

Yes, last fall’s infamous bomb The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure is now available on home video. It features the adventures of full-bodied puppet-kids Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie as they plan a surprise birthday party for their friend Schluufy, who happens to be…a gibberish-spewing pillow. But when their friend, a vacuum named J. Edgar (because he’s a Hoover, get it?), trips and loses five magical balloons meant for Schluufy, the Oogies set out to retrieve the balloons in time for the party.

The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure is an interactive movie, with the Oogies talking to the screen and urging preschoolers to get out of their seats at various points in the film and take part in song and dance routines, complete with follow-the-bouncing-ball lyrics displayed at the bottom. These overzealous commands quickly spiral out of control, often coming just minutes apart and sometimes lasting for mere seconds before the kids are told to sit down. (It makes the stand-sit-pray frequency of a Catholic mass look tame.) The songs are of the Chinese-water-torture variety, repeating the same verse over and over until you confess to crimes you didn’t even commit.

The Oogies encounter actual human beings in their journeys, and it makes you wonder what career-ending scandals these actors are hiding that allowed them to be blackmailed into appearing:

• Cloris Leachman as a polka-dot-loving shrew named (wait for it) Dottie
• Chazz Palminteri as Marvin Milkshake, who basically hazes his customers into dancing for their drinks at his dairy bar
• Toni Braxton (whose recent bankruptcy might explain her presence here) as a pop diva in a painfully long segment where she sings a ballad about coughing and sneezing
• The Princess Bride’s Cary Elwes, who seems to be enjoying himself way too much as a bubble-loving cowboy whose bouncy swagger makes him look like he has to pee
• Jaime Pressly as a latino salsa dancer and her partner Christopher Lloyd, who’s dressed in flamenco garb and speaks only by beating his bongos

And just when it seems all of Schluufy’s birthday balloons are safely retrieved by the Oogieloves, they’re lost again due to a strong wind. But before you can say deus ex machina, the balloons declare, “There’s only one thing stronger than the wind: love!” So the Oogies – and I am not making this up – start blowing kisses over and over to bring the balloons back. It’s at this point your mind starts coming to grips with the fact that the entire film centers around a surprise birthday party for a pillow. (When does life exactly begin for a pillow? Is it the manufacture date on the tag?)

Spoiler alert: The Oogies’ kisses bring the balloons back and the party is a success, as Schluufy sits there like some kind of stuffed invalid while everyone dances around him, seemingly rubbing their mobility in his face.

On some level, the Oogieloves’ creator Kenn Viselman (he of Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank Engine fame) should be commended for trying something different with the interactive nature of The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure and its world of bright colors, soft shapes, and surreal settings. But factor in the trite, grating musical numbers, stilted dialogue, inept animal puppetry, often-insulting tone, and complete lack of substance, and you’re left with nothing more than an 88-minute mess. The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure may be filled with the best intentions, but so is the road to Hell.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy thought The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure was awful, declaring at mid-point, “How is the guy who created this not embarrassed?” Jack-Jack kept saying repeatedly, “Why was this in the theaters?” – though secretly, I think he may enjoy the film more than he lets on.

Is it suitable for your kids?

From a strictly content perspective, yes – unless you consider Jaime Pressly kissing the Oogieloves’ pet fish on the lips to be subversive.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

My FilmMother thought The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure was trippy, annoying, and devoid of any educational value. Halfway through, she said to me, “We’re never gonna get these moments back, you know.”

More like the Oogiehates, amiright?

Thank you, try the veal.

The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure
* Director: Matthew Diamond
* Screenwriter: Scott Stabile
* Stars: Christopher Lloyd, Cary Elwes, Jaime Pressly, Cloris Leachman, Chazz Palminteri, Toni Braxton, Garrett Clayton, Maya Stange, Nick Drago, Malerie Grady, Steve Blackwood
* MPAA Rating: G


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Starcrash (1979)

IT’S NO SECRET that after the blockbuster success of Star Wars in 1977, a glut of quickie, low-budget space sagas flooded the market over the next few years, all looking to cash in on the phenomenon.

And probably no one in the history of motion pictures has successfully mastered the art of “quick” and “low-budget” like the legendary Roger Corman. So it’s a no-brainer that he entered this stampede of sci-fi schlock by producing the 1979 turkey Starcrash.


Marjoe Gortner (Bobbie Jo & The Outlaw) and Caroline Munro play a pair of interplanetary smugglers recruited by an emperor (Christopher Plummer) of a nearby planet to help defeat the evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell) of the League of the Dark Worlds (DUN-DUN dunnn…), who’s planning to use The Doom Machine (DUN-DUN dunnn…) to destroy the emperor and his planet (dun, dun, DUNNN!!!).

Picking the best worst element of Starcrash is like trying to pick a favorite color of the rainbow. There are so many to savor: unconvincing miniature spaceship models, jarring editing, poor matting, the dated use of wipes and lap dissolves, melodramatic dialogue with expired phrases like “we’ve studied all the videotapes,” and cheesy stop-motion animation that immediately makes you yearn for anything by Ray Harryhausen. (Irony alert: Munro faced off against Harryhausen’s classic stop-motion creatures in 1973’s The Golden Voyage of Sinbad.)

The cast’s ham-fisted performances make it obvious they’re in on the joke. Gortner plays leading man Akton as part hero, part guide: Much of his dialogue consists of explaining oddities or advancing the threadbare plot. As space vixen Stella Star, Munro’s sexy British voice is removed and dubbed by American actress Candy Clark (Gortner’s then-wife). To compensate, Munro is scantily clad for much of the film – which is an additional blessing since her acting consists mostly of a raised eyebrow, scowling, smoldering stares, or a head-shake-and-grin combo.


As the Emperor, a slumming Christopher Plummer (who shot all his scenes in one day) gives as much regality and class as possible to his role, while Spinell (Rocky, Maniac) does such a good job hiding his Noo Yawk accent that is sounds like someone else dubbed his lines. And since everything can use a little Hoff, the Emperor’s son Simon (David Hasselhoff) shows up around the one-hour mark to help with the cause. However, it’s soon after Hasselhoff’s appearance that Starcrash starts to lose its playfulness – lumbering into a mundane, anemic third act despite lots of stuff getting blowed up real good.

Directed by Italian schlockmeister Luigi Cozzi (under the name Lewis Coates) and originally released in Italy as “Scontri Stellari Oltre la Terza Dimensione (Stellar Clashes Beyond the Third Dimension),” Starcrash wasn’t Corman’s only entry in the post-Star Wars sci-fi boom: He also produced the far superior Magnificent-Seven-in-space epic Battle Beyond The Stars.

In the finale of Starcrash, the Emperor orders his imperial battleship, “Halt the flow of time!” At many points during this clunker, it does indeed feel like time is standing still.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Starcrash is rated PG: Several people are shot dead by laser guns; victims of a spaceship crash are shown frozen in the snow; Stella, Akton, and Simon engage in hand-to-hand combat with enemies at various points; and there is one utterance of “damn.” Basically, if your kids have seen Star Wars, there’s no reason they can’t watch Starcrash.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

The two of you could have some fun with Starcrash by goofing on it MST3K-style, but the novelty may wear off before the end credits roll. You’re probably better off exploring it alone as a morbid curiosity to see what makes it such a talked-about train wreck.

Yes, that’s a light saber. No, nothing is sacred.

Starcrash
* Director: Luigi Cozzi
* Screenwriters: Luigi Cozzi, Nat Wachsberger
* Stars: Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro, Joe Spinell, Christopher Plummer, David Hasselhoff, Robert Tessier, Judd Hamilton
* MPAA Rating: PG


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Black Samurai (1977)

AFTER RECENTLY FINISHING Michael Adams’ excellent book Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro-Zombies: A Film Critic’s Year-Long Quest to Find the Worst Movie Ever Made, I found myself with a list of supposedly terrible movies I felt I had to see in order to truly savor their awfulness.

First on the list: the 1977 kung fu/blaxploitation flick Black Samurai.

Plot:
Special agent Robert Sand (Jim Kelly) is asked by the CIA to save his girlfriend Toki (Essie Lin Chia) after she’s kidnapped by a voodoo cult led by the evil Janicot (Bill Roy). It turns out Toki is also the daughter of a top Eastern ambassador, and Janicot's ransom demand is top-secret information for a new weapon, the “freeze bomb.” Sand’s search takes him from Hong Kong to California to Miami, facing bad men, bad women, and bad animals (Janicot's pet is a killer vulture!).

Critique:
Black Samurai has all the trappings of the ‘70s action genre: groovy opening credits, a funk-tastic soundtrack, sketchy audio, poor looping, stiff acting, overdone karate sound effects, bad editing, lots of Aviator sunglasses, and sideburns a-plenty. But despite all that tasty kitsch, the film as a whole isn’t as satisfying.

In terms of performances, Kelly – who had a memorable supporting role in Bruce Lee’s smash Enter the Dragon – is the lead plank in the wooden cast. (According to Jim Brown, the makers of their film Take a Hard Ride made Kelly’s character mute because he simply couldn’t act.) Dialogue is delivered either in monotones or with misplaced emphasis; the only exception is Bill Roy, who effectively relishes his role as Janicot with proper inflection and smarm.

Low-budget grindhouse filmmaker Al Adamson – whose films weren’t “fun” bad movies as much as “bad” bad movies – doesn’t provide an even or energetic pace to the proceedings. Fight sequences are either quick and done, or drawn-out and lackluster. (Though Sand’s jet-pack sequence left me in a mix of hysterics, jealousy, and how’d-they-do-that intrigue.)

The framework of Black Samurai is a direct lift (read: rip-off) of Enter the Dragon: a debriefing of our hero by government agents who need him for a mission; the hero’s journey to a mysterious island to bring down the big boss; a climactic battle where our hero wipes out dozens of the boss’ guards almost single-handedly; and a cat-and-mouse finale between the hero and boss (instead of a maze of mirrors as in Dragon, Adamson uses a maze of catacombs beneath Janicot’s mansion lair).

In fact, everything in Black Samurai is second-rate – not just to the classic Enter the Dragon, but to the ‘70s kung fu and blaxploitation genres in general. I watched the first hour in one sitting, but having to finish the last 25 minutes a few days later felt like having to do homework I’d been putting off.

While Black Samurai is nearly unwatchable, it should earn an award for Most Ironic Line of Dialogue: After Janicot forces Sand’s CIA buddy (Biff Yeager) at gunpoint to lie to Sand over the phone and lure him into a trap, Janicot declares: “The government even trains its agents to be very good actors.” Hmm. Maybe Adamson should’ve gotten a government grant from the NEA and sent the entire cast of Black Samurai to The Actors Studio.

Fun facts:
* In Kelly’s opening scene, he’s playing tennis. After his acting career faded, Kelly became a professional tennis player, rising to number two in California in the senior men's doubles rankings and reaching the state's top ten in senior men's singles. He now works as a professional tennis coach.
* Adamson’s death is the stuff of one of his films: He was bludgeoned in 1995 at age 66 and cemented in the Jacuzzi at his home by the contractor he had hired.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Black Samurai is rated R for language (including a baddie declaring Sand will be “one dead n**ger” and Sand calling another bad guy a “Whitey faggot”), chopsocky violence, and other acts of aggression (people are shot, poisoned by snakes, stabbed, and blown up via car bomb). Also, partygoers ogle a stripper during a party at Janicot’s mansion (no nudity, but she gets down to a bikini top and thong).

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Moot point; it’s not worth watching. If she likes ‘70s kung fu and/or blaxploitation, I’d recommend Enter the Dragon for the former and either Pam Grier’s Coffy or Isaac Hayes’ Truck Turner for the latter.

If I cropped this shot any closer, you’d think
they were doing something besides fighting.

Black Samurai
* Director: Al Adamson
* Screenwriter: B. Readick
* Stars: Jim Kelly, Bill Roy, Roberto Contreras, Marilyn Joi, Essie Lin Chia, Biff Yeager
* MPAA Rating: R


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Metropia (2009)

WHILE I DO REVIEW plenty of animated films for kids, I’ve covered some adult animated fare as well: Heavy Metal, Watership Down, etc.

So when I saw the trailer for the decidedly adult-looking animated film Metropia, I was intrigued to learn more…

Plot:
In the year 2024, the world is running out of oil and the underground train systems of Europe have been connected, creating a gigantic subway network. In a suburb of Stockholm, telemarketer Roger (Vincent Gallo) tries to stay away from the underground because every time he enters, he hears a stranger’s voice in his head. Is someone trying to control him? Looking for help, he turns to the mysterious Nina (Juliette Lewis) – but the further they travel, the deeper Roger becomes involved in a dark conspiracy.

Critique:

The uniquely animated characters in Metropia have a photorealistic quality – like Drew Friedman illustrations come to life. But while the film is stylishly animated and includes arresting art direction by Martin Hultman (painting a dank, dreary, Orwellian landscape), the execution of the story is taxing.

We’re forced to sit through loooong stretches of Roger, Nina, and other supporting characters talking. Or walking. Or talking and walking. While that may be enough action for a film by Tarantino or Woody Allen, it’s painful to sit through here. Maybe director (and former graffiti artist) Tarik Saleh thinks the conversations between Roger and Nina create enough momentum to carry the picture, but the only momentum they invoke is making your eyelids move downward.

Any attempts at action don’t happen until the last 15 minutes; by then it’s too little, way too late. And the “shocking” use of a Hello Kitty doll as a weapon of mass destruction is only shocking as in, “I’d be shocked if Sanrio actually gave the filmmakers permission to use her likeness this way.”

While Metropia takes place in a grimy futureworld, the viewer experience is quite sterile. Whatever point Saleh and his two fellow screenwriters are trying to make – some undercooked message about consumerism, Big Brother, and mind control – is a mishmash of ideas that have been done before, and done better.

Saleh started out making animated shorts for Swedish television. Had Metropia been a short film versus a full-length feature, he – and anyone who’s sat through all 86 minutes of this plodding picture – might have been better off.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Metropia features a noticeable amount of profanity, plus a few scenes of nudity and sexual situations. In terms of violence, we see an open-eyed dead woman being zipped up in a body bag, a man is pushed in front of an oncoming subway train (dying off-screen), several people die in a bomb explosion, and a man is shot in the head. I would say young teens or possibly tweens would be the minimum age group suitable for viewing.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Doubt it. Too bleak, too slow, too long. Look elsewhere for something to enjoy together.

Metropia
* Director: Tarik Saleh
* Screenwriters: Stig Larsson, Fredrik Edin, Tarik Saleh
* Stars: Vincent Gallo, Juliette Lewis, Udo Kier, Stellan Skarsgard, Alexander Skarsgard, Sofia Helin
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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A Force of One (1979)

ERNEST TIDYMAN.

That name ring a bell?

No? Okay, how about these names:

The French Connection.
Shaft.
High Plains Drifter.

Ernest Tidyman wrote all three of those screenplays (and won the Oscar for French Connection). He also wrote the Shaft book series as well as several other novels before his death in 1984.

Based on that pedigree, and the fact that High Plains Drifter is one of my all-time favorites, I searched for more films written by Tidyman. Unfortunately, he had a rather limited screenwriting career, and only a fraction of his films are available for home viewing.

Still, one of Tidyman’s credits sticks out in his filmography, compared to the classics mentioned earlier. Of all things, it’s a Chuck Norris movie: 1979’s A Force of One.

Plot:

Santa Monica, California: It’s Christmastime, and someone is killing narcotics detectives by using martial arts. Stumped, the Santa Monica police enlist the help of champion kickboxer, martial arts instructor, and Vietnam vet Matt Logan (Chuck Norris) – who helps train the detectives in martial arts and offers some insight to help determine potential suspects behind the killings.

Critique:

In A Force of One’s DVD extras, director Paul Aaron says he did an uncredited rewrite of the script to make it “fit Chuck more” (never once mentioning Tidyman by name). That explains a lot, since I can’t imagine Tidyman was the author behind such a lackluster film.

The dialogue is forgettable and by-the-numbers, accompanied by a plot, cinematography, and soundtrack that make the film feel like a glorified episode of any given cop or detective drama from the ‘70s. Some of the scenes even seem ad-libbed, and not in a good way.

In addition to the weak script, there’s substandard acting by nearly everyone involved – including Jennifer O’Neill, Clu Gulager, Ron “Superfly” O’Neal, and Bill “Superfoot” Wallace.

Sadly and perhaps ironically for a Chuck Norris film, the martial arts sequences are sparse. Scenes of Norris handing out ass-whoopings outside of training and kickboxing matches are limited – which leaves him lots of time to dole out dialogue in his trademark monotone delivery. The action sequences that do take place are dated and bland, with many of the martial arts fights shot in slo-mo, accompanied by cheesy sound effects.

I’m hoping that A Force of One was either a quick paycheck movie for Tidyman to help him pursue other (read: better) creative endeavors, or that Aaron’s rewrite eliminated nearly all of Tidyman’s dialogue. Because what’s left is a ponderous, underwhelming film.

Tidbits:
* Tidyman is one of the few white people to win an NAACP Image Award, an honor given to him for creating the Shaft books.
* Norris’ opponent for his big fight in the finale, Bill “Superfoot” Wallace, was also John Belushi’s bodyguard. It was Wallace who found Belushi dead from a drug overdose.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

A Force of One is rated PG. It features several bloodless killings, mostly by the breaking of necks. There are scenes of drug dealing and drug use, including men snorting cocaine and a girl with track marks on her arm. There are also a few mild profanities.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Highly doubtful. And even if she is a Chuck Norris fan, he’s made much better films than this (comparatively speaking).

Kicked him so hard, he made him blurry.

A Force of One
* Director: Paul Aaron
* Screenwriter: Ernest Tidyman
* Stars: Chuck Norris, Jennifer O’Neill, Clu Gulager, Ron O’Neal, Bill Wallace
* MPAA Rating: PG



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