A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

OFFICES OF RAPID HEART PICTURES, BURBANK, CA – SUMMER 2012

“Mornin’, Sam.”
“Mornin’, Ralph.”
“Listen, Sam, we’ve done great with our line of Z-grade, homoerotic horror films, but I think we need to broaden our audience. Let’s make a family-friendly kids film.”
“Sure. What’d you have in mind?”
“A Talking Cat!?!”
“A talking cat? Where?!”
“No, no – let’s make a movie about a talking cat.”
“You had me at ‘let’s make a movie.’”
“By the way, A Talking Cat!?! is also the title.”
“We’re going to call a movie about a talking cat A Talking Cat!?!”
“Yep. That’s two exclamation points and one question mark. To emphasize the wackiness.”
“How about two question marks and one exclamation point?”
“C’mon, Sam, that’d just look stupid.”
“Don’t you think we should try and call it something remotely clever or cute, like Cat Got Your Tongue or Kitten Caboodle? Y’know, so it looks like we put an ounce of thought behind it?”
“Nah. A Talking Cat!?! is direct, honest. Parents look for that in movies for their kids.”
“So what’s the plot?”
“I dunno. Something simple that’s been done a hundred times over. How about two families who need to be brought together for some happy-ending reason…but with a talking cat.”
“Works for me. What about the cast?”
“Get a handful of some marginally competent teen actors. It doesn’t matter if they can actually act…kids who watch this won’t care.”
“Done.”
“We also need some actors to keep the parents’ attention. Get some young actors from the ‘70s to play the adults. For the dad, let’s get the kid from Sigmund and the Sea Monster.”
“You mean Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.”
“No, I think it’s Monster.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s Monsters. Y’know, a quick Google search could settle this…”
“No time. Just make sure it’s correct on the box.”
“You got it.”
“For the female lead, get that girl-next-door cutie from Meatballs. The blonde.”
“Yeah, she was cute. Those eyes. That smile…”
“Focus, Sam.”
“Hey, speaking of Meatballs, you think Bill Murray would do a cameo?”
“[blank stare]”
“Right. Never mind.”
“Finally, we need someone to voice the cat. And that someone is Eric Roberts.”
“Eric Roberts?”
“Yeah. We can get him, cheap. He owes us for not talking about that thing…you know…”
“Oh yeah…that thing…”
“Mmm-hmm. But don’t have him talk like a fun-loving cat. Have him talk kinda like a smarmy robot. Kids love robots.”
“A smarmy…robot…”
“And make sure his voiceover sounds good. Whatever you do, don’t make it sound like he recorded his lines using a rolled-up paper megaphone while standing in a large bathroom.”
“Question: How will we make the cat’s mouth move without spending a fortune?”
“No sweat. My nephew’s a whiz with Microsoft Paint. I’ll buy him a six-pack of Red Bull, and he’ll make us an animated black hole for the cat’s mouth. In no way will it look like a pulsating black diamond with complete disregard to the actual words Roberts is saying.”
“Great.”
“Also, work the story so the cat can only talk to each human once. It’ll cut down on the cost of the effects.”
“But…”
“Every penny counts, Sam.”
“Uh-huh. Well, what about a director? Who’s gonna helm this masterpiece?”
“Let’s get David to do it.”
“David DeCoteau, the guy who runs this place?”
“Yeah. He got his start with Roger Corman, so some of that has to rub off, right? At least we know he’ll bring it in under budget.”
“After directing stuff like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Test Tube Teens From the Year 2000, a flick about a talking cat should be no-brainer.”
“Exactly. Oh, and he might use the pseudonym Mary Crawford. It’s his…thing.”
“I wish I had a ‘thing.’ Should we scout locations?”
“Nah. Let’s just use the same mansion from our 1313 films.”
“That was easy. What about the music score?”
“Let’s get the guy who scores all the other films for Rapid Heart: Henry Mancini!”
“Henry Mancini’s dead. I think you mean Harry Manfredini.”
“Yeah, that guy. Did you know he scored all the Friday the 13th movies?”
“Yes. Yes he did.”
“For the trailer, here’s what I’m thinking…”

“Um, okay.”
“Make sure to use Comic Sans for the title cards. It screams ‘professional filmmaking.’”
“Plus, the kids will love it.”
“Exactly. And make sure you show the cat’s butthole in close-up at least once. Kids will think that’s hysterical and they’ll talk about it for days.”

A TALKING CAT!?! DVD RELEASE – FEBRUARY 2013

“Sam! Look at the buzz for A Talking Cat!?! It’s a hit!”
“Uh, don’t know if those reviews qualify it as a hit: ‘I swear my 10-year-old could make this film on her video camera.’ ‘The cat's acting is all thanks to a laser pointer that is clearly visible.’ ‘This is awesomely bad.’ Ralph, did we really screen A Talking Cat!?! at the Wisconsin Transgender Film Extravaganza?”
“Who cares? The point is, people are talking about this film: on the world wide web, the blogosphere, even in those social mediums. You know what I’m thinking?”
“No. What?”
“Two words: Talking. Pony.”

“Oh God.”
“I smell franchiiiiiise!!!”
“I sure smell something.”

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

Recently, FilmBoy’s been a bit of a connoisseur of bad movies. So it means a lot when he says of A Talking Cat!?!, “It makes Ratatoing look like a masterpiece.”

 Is it suitable for your kids?

Aside from its inherent existence, there’s nothing inappropriate with A Talking Cat!?! Two teen siblings exchange insults such as “shut it,” “I hate you,” “loser,” and “nerd,” but that’s about it.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

If she does, tell her some of these quotes from my FilmMother. She told FilmBoy, “Your brother’s the smartest one in this family: He’s not watching this.” Then at the end, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I’m ever gonna forgive you for that one.” And she’s a cat person.

Oh my God...that's what our dailies look like!?!

A Talking Cat!?!
* Director: David DeCoteau (as Mary Crawford)
* Screenwriter: Andrew Helm
* Stars: Kristine DeBell, Johnny Whitaker, Eric Roberts, Alison Sieke
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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A Cat in Paris (2010)

THE 2012 ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEES for Best Animated Feature were an odd lot. Odd in the sense that they were not another predictable batch of contenders from Pixar and DreamWorks (and maybe a token nominee from a third studio who had no chance of winning).

No, 2012’s nominees included only two from DreamWorks (Puss in Boots and Kung Fu Panda 2) and none from Pixar (thanks to their horrible misfire Cars 2). The remaining nods were given to the Spanish-language Chico & Rita, the deserving winner Rango, and the French film A Cat in Paris.

Co-directed by Jean-Loup Felicioli and Alain Gagnol, A Cat in Paris follows the double life of Dino the cat, a family pet by day and assistant to crafty cat burglar Nico (Steve Blum) by night. Dino’s human family – daughter Zoe (Lauren Weintraub) and policewoman mother Jeanne (Marcia Gay Hayden) – are grieving the death of their dad/husband, a policeman killed by mobster Victor Costa (J.B. Blanc). Zoe’s been mute since the incident, but finds comfort in Dino and the “presents” he brings her: dead rodents and reptiles. But soon, Dino’s two lives intersect, putting Nico at risk of being arrested and Zoe’s life at risk from seeing too much of Costa’s world.

The hand-drawn animation is the first thing that sets A Cat in Paris apart from other recent animated films. It’s an abstract, art deco style, full of shadows and vibrant colors, that makes it feel like a classic children’s storybook come to life. Felicioli and Gagnol (working from a clever, often humorous script by Gagnol and Jacques-Rémy Girerd) create great empathy for Zoe and Jeanne, and even have us hoping Nico doesn’t get caught despite the large amount of valuables he’s stolen.

Once Dino’s two worlds cross paths, A Cat in Paris really picks up (accompanied by Serge Besset’s pulse-pounding score) – taking us from foot and car pursuits, to a chase across the rooftops of Paris, to a final showdown atop the Notre Dame cathedral.

At a trim 62 minutes, A Cat in Paris is a welcome detour from what we encounter (and expect) from the big animation studios. Oscar-worthy? That’s debatable. What’s not debatable is that it’s definitely worth watching.

French, with dubbing/subtitles.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

He enjoyed A Cat in Paris very much – eating up Dino’s antics, rooting for the good guys, and cursing the bad guys.

 Is it suitable for your kids?

A Cat in Paris is rated PG for “mild violence and action, and some thematic material.”
Thematic material: Zoe and her mom are sometimes sad over her dad’s death; Nico steals valuable items and money from homes and museums (he is a cat burglar, after all). There's champagne and wine at a dinner scene, and one character smokes a cigarette.
Language: Costa says he scared one of his cronies so much, “you nearly wet your undies!” He also calls one of his thugs an “idiot.” A minor character says, “You sneaky son of a -” (not finishing the phrase)
Violence/Scariness: Costa slaps one of his men, fires warning shots at another, kidnaps Zoe, chokes Jeanne, and fights Nico, knocking out one of his teeth. (He’s also depicted in a dream sequence as a large, creepy octopus, which may scare young children.) Elsewhere, Dino scratches a person's leg, which briefly bleeds; Nico takes a policeman's gun and holds it on him and Jeanne; detectives shoot guns at a firing range; Dino bloodlessly kills a lizard; and a major character falls to their death.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

A cat. Paris. The value and importance of family. Something tells me she may enjoy it.

"Um, little help?"

A Cat in Paris
* Directors: Jean-Loup Felicioli, Alain Gagnol
* Screenwriters: Alain Gagnol, Jacques-Rémy Girerd
* Stars: Marcia Gay Harden, Steve Blum, J.B. Blanc, Lauren Weintraub, Matthew Modine
* MPAA Rating: PG


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The Cat from Outer Space (1978)

AS I HINTED at the beginning of my last review, there’s not much love (or nostalgia) for Disney films of the ‘70s. But as a ‘70s child, my movie-going memories and the Disney films of that decade are largely inseparable.

To wit: I remember my mom and aunt taking me to see 1978’s The Cat from Outer Space and loving it; then two years later, my sixth grade class watched it on a rainy day, erupting in applause when it ended.

Dash often balks when I want to watch movies from my childhood with him; sometimes they just don’t hold up. But I found an “in” through his love of the Binky the Space Cat books (left) by Ashley Spires; he really loves Spires’ comic-book illustrations as she tells the funny tales of Binky’s imagination and exploration.

Well, this is a movie about a cat and outer space…the timing couldn’t be better, right?

Plot:
A UFO is stranded on earth and impounded by the U.S. government. Its pilot is an extraterrestrial cat (voiced by Ronnie Schell) with a collar that has special powers, including the ability to allow the cat to talk with humans. The cat, nicknamed “Jake,” enlists the help of scientists Frank (Ken Berry), Liz (Sandy Duncan), and Link (McLean Stevenson) to reclaim and repair his ship to get back home.

Critique:

As with several favorite films and TV shows of my childhood, it seems The Cat from Outer Space is a situation where I’ve loved my memories of the film more than the film itself.

It takes 45 minutes into TCFOS until any true attempts at comedy take place, which is a mixed blessing since nearly all attempts at comedy fall flat. Out-loud laughs are at a minimum, and so is the barely-present musical score by legendary film and TV composer Lalo Schifrin. Essentially, the script and action make TCFOS feel as if it was written more as a light-hearted adult caper than a kids’ Disney film.

Berry, Duncan, and Stevenson try to keep things moving with frenzied actions and bewilderment about the whole situation (Stevenson offering the most entertainment as Berry’s mooching friend and colleague) as they try to keep Jake from falling into the hands of pursuing U.S. army troops led by Harry Morgan, here basically doing a more gruff variation of his Colonel Potter role from TV’s M*A*S*H. It all culminates in a plane-chase climax that, while sounding cool, takes for-ever to conclude.

The Cat from Outer Space is typical of the ‘70s lot of Disney live-action movies: pedestrian and slow-paced, but with just enough of a Disney touch to make it watchable (though it’s eons better than Superdad).

Tidbits:
* Sandy Duncan is allergic to cats.
* Stevenson and Morgan both played commanding officers on the TV series M*A*S*H, with Morgan replacing Stevenson when Stevenson left to star in his own show, the ill-fated Hello, Larry.
* Screenwriter Ted Key also wrote other Disney live-action films of the ‘70s, including Gus and The Million Dollar Duck. He also created the characters Mr. Peabody and Sherman for the “Rocky and Bullwinkle” cartoon series.

Rating:

What did Dash (and Jack-Jack) think?

Dash liked TCFOS just enough to stay with it, though he and I were wondering if the plane-chase climax was ever going to end. Jack-Jack lost interest near the one-hour mark, which is no surprise: a slow-moving, 105-minute live action movie can’t compete with the attention span of a four-year-old. (However, he did chime in during a foot chase involving an elevator: “I like elevators. They’re fun.”)

Is it suitable for your kids?

While The Cat from Outer Space is rated G, it’s a “’70s G,” as I call it. (The MPAA was a little less scrutinizing back then.) Depending on your sensitivities, there are a few scenes involving alcohol and tobacco, as Stevenson’s cigar-chomping character constantly barges into Berry’s apartment to steal beers and watch sports; and in a pivotal scene in a pool hall, there’s plenty of beer-drinking and cigar-smoking. Also, the climax includes some gunplay and mild peril as Berry and Duncan nearly fall out of the planes during the drawn-out plane chase.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

As much I may be betraying my childhood memories by saying this, I wouldn’t bother her with this one – even if she likes Disney films and/or cats.

The casting for Easy Rider 2 was looking less than promising.

The Cat from Outer Space
* Director: Norman Tokar
* Screenwriter: Ted Key
* Stars: Ken Berry, Sandy Duncan, Ronnie Schell, McLean Stevenson, Harry Morgan, Roddy McDowall
* MPAA Rating: G



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Cats of Rome (2007)

ATTENTION, CAT LOVERS: Here’s an interesting documentary about a situation over in Rome involving our feline friends – many whose ancestors were unwillingly brought to the city from another country, but now must fend for themselves.

Plot:

Over 200,000 stray cats live in Rome, Italy – the descendants of Egyptian cats brought there 3,000 years ago. The cats aren’t wild, but they need human help to survive. Problem is, some Romans consider these strays equal to rodents – and view those who feed or care for them with equal contempt.

Cats of Rome documents six months at Torre Argentina, Rome’s largest cat sanctuary. With its many feline inhabitants – and constant threats from overpopulation, overcrowding, disease, and detractors – life at Torre Argentina is a never-ending struggle for the cats and the people who care for them.

Critique:

Any romantic notions the viewer may have about Rome and its abundant cat population are quickly dispelled in Cats of Rome, as director Michael W. Hunt promptly hones in on the endless demands put upon Torre Argentina to care for and house the multitude of cats that come through their doors. (Hunt does, however, sprinkle a handful of scenic shots of Rome, its people, and its landmarks throughout the film.)

The caretakers and supporters of Torre Argentina are an interesting cross-section of native Italians, transplanted Americans, and other random expatriates. It’s inspiring to see different nationalities and ethnicities unite for a common cause, yet it’s also hard to watch them struggle against the many obstacles in the way of saving the scores of cats at the sanctuary (the aftermath of an attack by vandals is especially hard to take).

Until Cats of Rome was being shot, Torre Argentina had to survive solely on donations from the local community (Rome has no government-funded cat shelters). But during the shoot, we watch a team of Dutch web designers create romancats.com, where people can make donations or “adopt” a Torre Argentina cat from anywhere in the world.

With Cats of Rome, Hunt has created a film that’s at times endearing and entertaining, at other times frustrating and heartbreaking. But ultimately, he succeeds in doing what a good documentary should: He educates the viewer and raises awareness for the subject – or in this case, the hundreds of four-footed, feline subjects.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Cats of Rome’s subject matter is suitable for any age, though seeing some cats who are blind, disabled, or suffering from nasty infections may be hard for younger kids to take. And for those who are a bit squeamish, the film shows a veterinarian performing sterilization surgery on a cat in great detail.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

If she’s a cat or animal lover, Cats of Rome is essential viewing that focuses on a noble cause – just make sure she can handle seeing some of the less fortunate cats as described in the above paragraph.

When in Rome, groom as the Romans groom.

Cats of Rome
* Director: Michael W. Hunt
* Screenwriters: Gerald Hunt, Randi Graham, Jenna Dolan, Barbara Palmer, Hope Traficanti
* Stars: A couple hundred cats, Keith Burberry (narrator)
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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Bolt (2008)

ONCE AGAIN, my wife and I have dipped our toes into PG-rated waters with Dash and Jack-Jack. (Previous toe-dipping includes The Incredibles and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.) This week’s parentally-guided film: Disney’s 2008 feature Bolt.

Plot:
Bolt (John Travolta) is the canine star of his own TV show, where every week he saves his human friend Penny (Miley Cyrus) from the clutches of evil Dr. Calico (Malcolm McDowell). However, Bolt believes that everything that happens on his show is real. At the end of shooting a cliffhanger episode, Bolt believes Penny’s actually been kidnapped by Dr. Calico – prompting Bolt to escape the Hollywood set of his show to “rescue” her. He winds up falling into a shipping box and sent to New York City, where he recruits the help of alley cat Mittens (Susie Essman) to get him back home to Los Angeles and reunite with Penny. While stopping to beg for food at an RV campsite, Bolt and Mittens meet Rhino (Mark Walton), a hamster in an exercise ball who also happens to be a huge fan of Bolt’s TV show (which Rhino also thinks is real). Needless to say, Rhino doesn’t hesitate to join Bolt and Mittens on their journey, hoping to encounter danger along the way.

Critique:

Compared to Pixar’s vastly superior films, Disney’s own CGI features have sputtered a bit – producing the pretty good (Chicken Little) as well as the forgettable (The Wild). But with Bolt, the Mouse House take a sizable step forward, thanks largely to a solid script by Dan Fogelman and Chris Williams that focuses on storytelling and character development with minimal pop culture references (I’m looking at you, DreamWorks).

There are also lots of funny scenes and sequences woven throughout the story, including Mittens teaching Bolt the proper way to beg; a hilarious trio of Noo Yawk pigeons (voiced by Lino DiSalvo, Todd Cummings, and Tim Mertens); and an ongoing bit about the supposed Kryptonite-like powers of Styrofoam.

In addition to a strong story and characters, the animation of this Disney-only production is nearly on par with its Disney/Pixar brethren. None of this should come as a shock, since Pixar co-founder (and Disney Chief Creative Officer) John Lasseter executive-produced the film.

Bolt is enjoyable to watch, not contrived or derived. It’s definitely a contender for repeat viewings – and it’ll have a longer shelf life than the latest Madagascar or Shrek sequel. Here’s hoping the Pixar influence continues to help Disney’s own animated films blossom.

Tidbits:
* In addition to several Annie Award nominations, Bolt was also nominated for a 2008 Oscar for Best Animated Film, but there was another nominee that deservedly won.
* Much like Lou Romano (Linguini) in Ratatouille, Disney writer/animator Walton got the job as the voice of Rhino from the strength of his “scratch track” (a recording used as a temporary placeholder during the recording and editing process).

Rating:

What did Dash think?

* Dash really liked it, and hands-down the biggest hit for both him and Jack-Jack was Rhino. They were talking about and quoting that little hamster for days afterwards, particularly a little victory song and dance Rhino does to celebrate a daring escape.
* In the better-late-than-never department: With about 20 minutes left in the film, Jack-Jack asked us, “Why is the white dog talking?”

Is it suitable for your kids?

Bolt is rated PG for “mild action and peril.” To wit: Bolt is chased by bad guys who launch rockets at him, and helicopters are blown up with pilots inside them (both part of Bolt's TV show); Bolt dangles Mittens over a busy highway; and there’s a fiery climax that may be a bit much for very young children. There’s also one use of pepper spray and one scene of dog butt-sniffing.

Will your FilmMother like it?

Very much so. Bolt has all the ingredients of a winning film: good story, good animation, laughs, themes of friendship and believing in yourself. In fact, if you don’t have kids or they’re too little to watch, it’s also a great rental for grown-ups, too.

“Well it’s-a Greased Lightninnn’ (Bolt)!”
Y’know, because John Travolta sang that song in Grease,
and he’s the voice of Bolt…
Lightning...Bolt...Lightning bolt.
Whatever. Think you can do better?

Bolt
* Directors: Byron Howard, Chris Williams
* Screenwriters: Dan Fogelman, Chris Williams
* Stars: John Travolta, Susie Essman, Mark Walton, Miley Cyrus, Malcolm McDowell
* MPAA Rating: PG (mild action and peril)

Oliver & Company (1988)

Oliver & Company is Disney’s spin on the classic story Oliver Twist: A homeless kitten named Oliver (voiced by Joey Lawrence) roams the streets of New York and is taken in by a gang of homeless dogs, including Dodger (Billy Joel), who survive by stealing from others. Meanwhile, their human friend, a vagabond named Fagin (Dom DeLuise), is constantly trying to avoid the evil mobster Sykes (Robert Loggia), to whom he owes a large amount of money.

There are two main reasons to keep young children away from Oliver & Company: boredom and fear. Regarding the boredom: My 2-year-old bailed after 7 minutes to play with his toy cars. My 5-year-old went the distance, but stopped watching twice – once to show me a photo album he made, and the other to let me know that “we need to buy more Scooby-Doo Band-Aids.” And it’s only a 74-minute movie.

As for the fear, the film includes:

• Lots of close-ups of growling, snarling dogs showing their sharp teeth
• Threats of death and inflicting of pain
• A phone conversation by Sykes where he says, “Don’t kill ‘em yet” and agrees with using “concrete shoes”
• Kidnapping and gunplay
• Electrocution (both comedic and fatal)

Other criticisms:

• The film is dark in both lighting and tone. No one is nice to each other for the first half of the film – which is almost totally comprised of dreary, unlit hideouts and waterfront piers.
• The musical numbers are almost nothing but disposable late-‘80s pop songs.
• The animation is iffy; at times, you wouldn’t know it’s a Disney film unless someone told you.

Bottom line? Oliver & Company doesn’t hold up in terms of pacing, character development, or child-friendliness. But I guess it’s always darkest before the dawn: Disney’s next three films would be The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, and The Lion King.

Rating: 1 star (out of 5).

Will your kids want to see it?

Since Disney doesn’t really mention Oliver & Company when touting their “classics,” it’s highly unlikely your little ones will know about this 20-year-old film. [UPDATE: Disney released the Oliver & Company: 20th Anniversary Edition DVD on February 3, 2009.] But if they trip across it somehow, guide them toward better Disney titles (maybe any of the three I mentioned above).

Will your FilmMother want to see it?

Hopefully no, since you’ll tell her about this review. Right?

Oliver & Company
Director: George Scribner
Screenwriters: Jim Cox, Timothy J. Disney, James Mangold
Stars (voices): Joey Lawrence, Billy Joel, Cheech Marin, Richard Mulligan, Dom DeLuise, Robert Loggia
MPAA Rating: G


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