Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012)

WITH ICE AGE: CONTINENTAL DRIFT’S $47 million opening weekend (pushing its worldwide total to $380 million), the Ice Age films are now one of the highest-grossing movie franchises ever – up there with Harry Potter, James Bond, and Lord of the Rings.

As someone who’s seen the first Ice Age but not parts 2 or 3 (The Meltdown and Dawn of the Dinosaurs), I began to wonder if I was missing out on a rewarding movie franchise – one whose likability and popularity was apparently evident by its billions in box office and the millions of moviegoers who have kept the saga afloat since the original Ice Age in 2002.


After seeing Ice Age: Continental Drift -- the highly disposable yet occasionally endearing fourth entry in the series from Blue Sky Studios (Rio, Horton Hears a Who!) – I don’t think I’ve been missing much. We meet up with woolly mammoth Manny (Ray Romano), sabre-tooth tiger Diego (Denis Leary), and Sid the sloth (John Leguizamo) as their herd (including Manny’s wife Ellie (Queen Latifah) and their teenage daughter Peaches (Keke Palmer)) get caught up in the cataclysmic separation of their landmass, casting Manny, Diego, Sid, and Sid’s eccentric Granny (Wanda Sykes) out to sea on a mass of ice.

As our trio of heroes (plus 1) try to reach the destination where Ellie, Peaches, and the rest of the herd will meet them, they encounter simian sea pirate Captain Gutt (Peter Dinklage) and his crew, including first mate Shira (Jennifer Lopez), a sabre-tooth tiger who ends up with conflicting feelings about her captain and Diego.

With all the effort the filmmakers behind Ice Age: Continental Drift put into the action scenes and stunning visuals (especially the breathtaking sequences of the giant land mass breaking apart), they should have devoted more to character development. Ironically, that devotion would be a major undertaking, for by continuously adding new characters with each film in the franchise, it leaves directors Steve Martino and Mike Thurmeier with the unenviable task of finding a purpose for each character in what is now a cast of dozens.

This overpopulation is also a far cry from what made the original Ice Age’s core trio of Manny, Diego, and Sid fun to watch. Martino, Thurmeier, and Continental Drift’s trio of writers seem to agree, for the main plot sends Manny, Diego, and Sid (and Sid’s Granny) on their own adventure, relegating the rest of the cast to a B-story of trekking across the remaining landmass to reunite with our heroes.

The dialogue and jokes in Ice Age: Continental Drift rarely rise above the level of sitcoms or Saturday morning cartoons, and laugh-out-loud moments are at a minimum. The only exceptions are the adorable, hyperactive hyraxes (who form an Ewok-like alliance with Manny, Diego, and Sid to help bring down Captain Gutt) and the ongoing hilarious antics of Scrat the squirrel and his never-ending pursuit of his elusive acorn. Outside of that, the script largely serves to advance the plot to the finish line, peppered with mawkish Valuable Lessons and Very Special Moments about love, family, father/daughter relationships, and not forgetting your true friends.

If Pixar classics such as Finding Nemo and The Incredibles are gourmet meals, then Ice Age: Continental Drift is Chinese food: It doesn’t stay with you, and an hour later you’ll be hungry for something more substantial.

Rating:

What did Dash and Jack-Jack think?

Dash and Jack-Jack both enjoyed Ice Age: Continental Drift, though neither raved about it afterwards. I’m guessing that, like their father, they found it suitably entertaining at the time, but pretty forgettable afterwards.

Is it suitable for your kids?

Ice Age: Continental Drift is rated PG for mild rude humor and action/peril.

Mild/rude humor: Sadly, there is so much name-calling that it’s impossible to list them all here, but a sampling includes “freak,” “wiener,” “stupid,” “loser,” “idiot,” “tubby,” “cry baby,” and “pinhead.” In addition, Granny makes a couple of off-color quips, such as “I’ll bury y’all and dance on your grave” and “If they kiss, I’m gonna puke.” Also, Sid exclaims “Holy crab!” after seeing a giant crustacean, and a child animal asks Ellie, “When you drink through your nose, does it taste like boogers?”
Action/peril: An extended sequence shows landmasses separating violently, causing animals to run and panic; some of the fights between Manny’s herd and Gutt’s pirates are pretty intense, with weapons in heavy use; Gutt makes verbal threats to various characters, and attempts to kill Ellie and Manny during the finale.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

My wife enjoyed Ice Age: Continental Drift, though I’m guessing it won’t rank as one of her all-time favorites. But it made for a passably fun family film outing while it lasted.

Ice...ice...age-y.

Ice Age: Continental Drift
* Directors: Steve Martino, Mike Thurmeier
* Screenwriters: Michael Berg, Jason Fuchs, Mike Reiss
* Stars: Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Jennifer Lopez, Queen Latifah, Peter Dinklage, Keke Palmer, Simon Pegg, Seann William Scott, Wanda Sykes
* MPAA Rating: PG


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Labou (2009)

*SIGH*. Another week, another anemic selection of G-rated kids’ movies on Netflix.

We wind up with Labou, an independent children’s film where three tweens – Toddster (Bryan James Kitto), Gavin (Darnell J. Hamilton), and Emily (Marissa Cuevas) – set out in the Louisiana bayou to find the lost treasure of Capt. LeRouge (Barnie Duncan), but on the way discover a cute little swamp critter named Labou.

After Opposite Day and Labou, I’ve had about all I can take of marginally talented kid actors speaking paragraphs of adult dialogue. For what it’s worth, Kitto is the best of the three kid stars and delivers his lines with the most conviction.

What’s even more frustrating is how the kids react upon meeting Labou. Most kids would probably say something like, “Omigod, it’s some kind of alien lizard creature! I hope it doesn’t have a taste for human flesh!” Instead, they’re merely curious about their not-of-this-earth discovery, and after five minutes they’re having an impromptu musical jam with him(!).

Labou is an animatronic creation (think Gremlins’ Gizmo crossed with a frog) who’s convincing enough to satisfy kid viewers, but adults will be much more cynical. He feels like he could have been plucked from a Jim Henson reject pile.

Even worse than his unconvincing appearance, Labou disappears from the film for stretches at a time – forcing viewers to sit through either a) the three kid actors trying to carry their scenes; or b) unfunny slapstick and insults between a pair of bumbling father-and-son developers (Earl Scioneaux and Chris Violette) who want to raze Labou’s swampland home and build an oil refinery.

While it’s too little too late, the last 20 minutes of Labou does hit on the magic that the rest of the film struggles to deliver, and it all ties up nicely at the end.

Bottom line: Writer/director (and veteran FX artist) Greg Aronowitz obviously made Labou for kids, and in that respect, mission accomplished. It’s a perfectly harmless, highly disposable children’s film that parents shouldn’t (and won’t) take too seriously.

Rating:

What did Dash and

Jack-Jack think?

Labou may test the attention spans of very young children, but gradeschoolers will probably find it entertaining. To that point, Jack-Jack had almost no interest in the film, giving up halfway through, while Dash stayed with it, paying attention at every line of dialogue and laughing several times. His final summation: “It wasn’t too bad.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

The only minor concerns in Labou are some name-calling (“loser,” “idiot,” and my personal fave, “Billy the Skidmark”) and a brief scene featuring a drunk person.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

She may enjoy the fact that Labou is almost totally harmless for children, though like most adults, I doubt she’ll actually enjoy it herself.

Aaarrrgh, indeed.

Labou
* Director: Greg Aronowitz
* Screenwriter: Greg Aronowitz
* Stars: Barnie Duncan, Darnell Hamilton, Bryan James Kitto, Marissa Cuevas, Earl Scioneaux, Chris Violette, Ray Nagin, Kelson Henderson
* MPAA Rating: G

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Captain Sabertooth (2003)

HERE’S A UNIQUE ENTRY in the FilmFather canon: an animated film largely unknown in the US, but whose title character has quite the following in Europe…

Plot:
Based on a long-running series of plays and books (as well as a theme park attraction) by Norwegian singer/actor Terje Formoe, Captain Sabertooth tells the story of, um, Captain Sabertooth (Eric Myers) – a tyrannical pirate who sails the high seas in search of the long-lost treasure of Gory Gabriel. On board his ship is young Tiny (Smashing Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlin), who dreams that one day Sabertooth will see him as a real pirate – and a brave one, too.

Critique:
Originally a Norwegian production but dubbed here with English-speaking actors, Captain Sabertooth ambitiously packs a lot into its 75 minutes – there’s plenty of pirate-y action and swashbuckling to be had. Still, it kinda left me with an empty feeling. The animation is direct-to-video quality (though done in a unique style I haven’t seen before), the musical numbers are “meh,” and it could have had a better ending.

But that’s just the grown-up talking. Dash thoroughly enjoyed the film (see below) – and he’s probably the age that the makers of Captain Sabertooth had in mind.

Rating:

Me:

Dash:

What did Dash think?

While I thought Captain Sabertooth was merely passable, Dash really dug the adventures. He laughed several times at the antics of some of the goofy pirates, and really got involved in the film as Tiny and Sabertooth join forces in an effort to defeat the mean, greedy Happy Jack (Gary Martin).

Is it suitable for your kids?

Captain Sabertooth is rated PG for mild adventure action. There’s run-of-the-mill pirate peril, including swordplay, cannons blasting, Sabertooth shooting open a lock, and Happy Jack torching a few houses to ensure we know he’s the real bad guy. There are also a couple of references to wine, and one brief scene of a drunken cook.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

There are worse ways for her to pass the time watching a film with the kids; still, if Dash is any indication, they’ll probably enjoy it more than she will.

Arrrr…stop yer fancy bartendin’ tricks and fetch me bottle o’ rum!

Captain Sabertooth
* Directors: Stig Bergqvist, Rasmus A. Sivertsen
* Screenwriters: Arthur Johansen, David Regal
* Stars: Eric Meyers, Jimmy Chamberlin, Gary Martin, Jo Wyatt
* MPAA Rating: PG (mild adventure action)



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Arrrrrr!

FilmFather has been pirated!

Technically, I’ve been plagiarized. (I must still have pirate on the brain after my last review.)

Thanks to my Google Alert, I found out that someone had taken my original review of Fired Up, doctored my words, and published it on their blog as their own.

After seeing this, my emotions went from anger…to disbelief…to amusement. I mean, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

I’m not going to link to the offender’s page; they doesn’t deserve the clicks. But here’s what I can surmise about my plagiarized piece:

• It’s posted on a very popular student blog service (confirmed by my teacher wife).
• Based on the horrific, largely nonsensical rewrite – and some of the Arabic on their page – my guess is that they took my review, translated it into Arabic, then translated it back to English.

The results of that translation are quite comical. Here are some of my favorite rewrites at the offending blog (let’s call it ShmilmFather), compared to what I originally wrote:

FilmFather: Nick (Eric Christian Olsen) is the star quarterback and resident horndog at his high school.
ShmilmFather: Nick (Eric Christian Olsen) is the role quarterback and occupant horndog at his heinous religious order.

FilmFather: But I was happily surprised at how much it made me not only smile, but chuckle often and laugh out loud more than once.
ShmilmFather: But I was cheerily surprised at how much it made me not but grin, but snigger generally and shrug isolated beside the headland exhausted stentorian more than directly.

FilmFather: I don’t know why Fired Up didn’t do better at the box office.
ShmilmFather: I don’t have consciousness of why Fired Up didn’t do less bad at the sock firm.

FilmFather: The marketing campaign didn’t do it any favors, selling it as a raunchy sex romp – and releasing it in February (the burial ground for bad films) was a mistake.
ShmilmFather: The marketing operations didn’t do it any favors, selling it as a raunchy f**king [my edit] romp - and releasing it in February (the interment justification an eye to evil-doer films) was a misjudge.

FilmFather: He was the only good thing in 2004’s Cellular (where I first noticed him), and he’s got the looks and acting skills to play the likeable a-hole to perfection.
ShmilmFather: He was the but benefit junk in 2004’s Cellular (where I influential noticed him), and he’s got the looks and acting skills to contrivance for heyday the friendly a-hole to pre-eminence.

Oh well…I’m far enough removed from this to laugh about it now. I did send a comment to the blogger (no email address was available), informing them of their violation of my copyright – a comment they promptly deleted the next day. The offending page is still up.

Tom & Jerry: Shiver Me Whiskers (2006)

IF YOU’RE A REGULAR READER, you know my thoughts on new kids’ movies based on classic cartoon characters (especially my love/hate relationship with the recent Scooby-Doo animated films).

So when Dash and I sat down to watch Tom & Jerry: Shiver Me Whiskers, I did it with a healthy dollop of skepticism…

Plot:
Tom and Jerry get caught between warring pirate captains (three brothers) fighting over a map that leads to buried treasure…a map that is CURSED!

Critique:
• Tom & Jerry: Shiver Me Whiskers is a workable blend of old-school Tom & Jerry and above-average, made-for-Cartoon-Network animation. In addition, a lot of the sound and vocal effects come from the classic Tom & Jerry shorts of the ‘40s and ‘50s, which aired on TV quite frequently during my ‘70s childhood. Hearing simple things – such as Jerry skidding to a stop or Tom screaming – instantly took me back to grade school, watching classic T&J at home after class.
• Director Scott Jeralds (Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster) keeps things moving at a steady clip, which will no doubt keep the attention of both kids and adults.
• Fans of Match Game and Lidsville will get a kick out of Charles Nelson Reilly as the Red Pirate's wisecracking parrot. And Mark Hamill provides several laughs for the grownups as a floating skull and crossbones who warns Tom, Jerry, and the pirates about the fate that awaits them.

If you’re looking for a fun way to bridge the gap between the cartoons your children watch and what you watched as a kid, Tom & Jerry: Shiver Me Whiskers is as good as any place to start.

Rating: 3.5 stars (out of 5)
(adding .5 for nostalgia)

What did Dash think?

• He seemed to get a kick out of it; pirates are usually a sure bet with him. It was fun to watch him react to Tom and Jerry’s antics – laughing at the cat and mouse much like I did as a kid.
• Afterward, I wasn’t sure if the movie was worth saving on our TiVo playlist. Then two days later, after no mention of the movie since we watched it, he asked, “Can we save the Tom and Jerry movie until we delete?” I consider that a stamp of approval.

Will your kids want to watch it?

I would say so. Funny cat and mouse, pirate adventures, wacky hijinks…a good blend for kids, though (as I say in other kid movie reviews) you might want to keep it away from the pre-K crowd. There are a few comically intense scenes featuring a shark, a giant squid, swordplay, skeleton pirates, and the aforementioned floating skull/crossbones with glowing eyes.

Will your FilmMother like it?

She’ll probably find it watchable, and after seeing and hearing some of the old-school aspects of the movie, she may take a few mental detours to her childhood.

For those about to laugh, we salute you.

Tom & Jerry: Shiver Me Whiskers
• Director: Scott Jeralds
• Screenwriter: Christopher Painter
• Stars: Mark Hamill, Kathy Najimy, Charles Nelson Reilly, Kevin Michael Richardson, Wallace Shawn
• MPAA Rating: G


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Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! (2006)

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, I set aside my staunch belief regarding the legacy of Scooby-Doo (that no spinoffs or movies will ever beat the original series) to watch Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster, and I was happily surprised.

So last week, I wanted to see if I could be happily surprised once again, and put on Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! for Dash and I to watch. Was it worth it, or did we feel shanghai'd? Read on…

Plot:
• Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! opens in the Bermuda Triangle as a research ship glides into the notorious waters, only to be attacked by a ship of ghost pirates.
• We then join Scooby and the gang as they go with Fred’s parents on a cruise ship to (where else?) the Bermuda Triangle. It turns out to be a “mystery cruise,” where the crew stages mysteries for the passengers to solve.
• Well, with the gang’s extensive experience in mystery-solving (40 years this September!), they solve all the “mysteries” very quickly, ruining it for the other passengers.
• Soon, Shaggy spots a man floating in the water, and the crew rescues him. It’s Rupert Garcia, survivor of the attacked ship at beginning. Not surprisingly, nobody believes him when he says his boat was destroyed by ghost pirates. In fact, Scooby and the gang think his story is part of another staged mystery by the ship’s crew. They soon find out that it’s all too true, when the pirate ship shows up and its crew of ghost pirates – led by Captain Skunkbeard – take over the cruise ship and kidnap Fred’s parents.
• Scooby and the gang go after Skunkbeard’s ship to rescue Fred’s parents, and also to stop Skunkbeard’s quest for a painting of stars that was aboard Garcia’s boat, which will lead him to “Heaven’s Light” at the center of the Bermuda Triangle, and give him the power to travel through time…or something like that.

Critique:
• The scope of the mystery within Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! is quite ambitious, but falls a bit flat. Like other TV shows that leap to a full-length movie, the film largely feels like an extended episode from the original, classic series.
• SD!PA! does keep a couple of the trademark components of Scooby-Doo intact, including several requisite chase scenes with accompanying “chase music” (here in the form of blaring, pirate-tinged rock tunes).
• Lost from this Scooby movie are a lot of the in-jokes and grown-up references (so prevalent in Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster) aimed at grown-ups who, um, grew up on the original TV show.
• And not to be Cynical Grown-Up, but most adults will figure out who’s behind Captain Skunkbeard way before the end.

In terms of Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy!’s watchability: you could do worse, but as Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster shows, you can also do better.

Rating: 2.5 stars (out of 5).

What did Dash think?

I figured Scooby-Doo and pirates would be a winning combo for Dash’s attention span, and I was right. Still, he surprised me by actually hanging with the whole film, even when the hour was getting late. His only question: “Why did the pirates want to kill everybody?” I explained they weren’t trying to kill anyone, just scare them. That seemed to satisfy him; either that or he was too tired to debate.

Will your kids like it?

• If they’re not super-selective and don’t have a dedication to (or remembrance of) the original TV series like I do, they will probably enjoy it enough to sit through it – but I highly doubt repeat viewings will occur.
• The Y7 rating for SD!PA! (we caught it on Cartoon Network) seems appropriate – the ghost pirates are a bit creepy, with some of their mean, gnarly faces shot in close-up in the opening sequence. And there is a fair amount of swordplay and cannons blasting, but no injuries or deaths.

Will your FilmMother like it?

Doubtful. She could probably tolerate it if she had to, but I’d tell her to seek out something better for everybody to watch.


Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy!
* Director: Chuck Sheetz
* Screenwriters: Margaret M. Dean, Jed Elinoff, Scott Thomas
* Stars: Dan Castellaneta, Mindy Cohn, Tim Conway, Grey DeLisle, Arsenio Hall, Casey Kasem, Edie McClurg, Kathy Najimy, Ron Perlman, Freddy Rodriguez, Frank Welker
* MPAA Rating: G


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The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie (2008)

You’ve probably heard of VeggieTales, even if you haven’t seen their home videos or their TV show on Qubo (NBC’s Saturday cartoon lineup). A quick history: Since the early ’90s, VeggieTales has promoted Christian morals through animated, talking vegetables, and made a small fortune in the process.

Now that they’ve gone more mainstream, the VeggieTales have curbed a lot of the Bible lessons and references, which are completely absent from The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Still, the film delivers a positive (if not recycled) message about believing in yourself and the power that comes from within.

Working at a pirate-themed dinner theater as busboys, Elliot, Sedgewick, and George (Larry the Cucumber, Mr. Lunt and Pa Grape) dream of starring in the theater’s big pirate show. But Elliot's timidity, Sedgewick's laziness, and George's lack of self-confidence all seem to get in their way. Things change when a mysterious ball drops from the sky, sent from the past in search of heroes. Our heroes push a button on the ball, which sends them back to the 17th century and into a series of dangerous encounters where there bravery is put to the test.

At times, The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything feels little more than an extended episode a VeggieTales home video. But there are several memorable musical numbers, and animation that’s on par with most of the other CGI-animated feature films out there. You may find the action and pacing a little more subdued than a Pixar or DreamWorks film, but it should keep you engaged.

Rating: 3 stars (out of 5).

Will your kids like it?

My boys were almost 5 and 2, respectively, when we saw The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (their first movie theater experience). Big Bro was glued to the screen the whole time, while Little Bro got restless about halfway through the film and had to be taken to the lobby by FilmMother for about 10 minutes. (Of course, this is a moot point when you watch the DVD at home.)

The only things possibly scary are the giant rock monsters and the cheese curls with teeth (don’t ask), but they’re both done with such a soft, cartoonish edge that they shouldn’t upset any young viewers.

Will your FilmMother like it?

She’ll probably like it, in that she’ll watch it with your kids and go the distance without any eye-rolling or glances at her watch.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie
* Director: Mike Nawrocki
* Screenwriter: Phil Vischer
* Stars (voices): Phil Vischer, Mike Nawrocki, Cam Clarke, Laura Gerow, Yuri Lowenthal, Alan Lee
* MPAA Rating: G


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