Citadel (2012)

HERE’S A QUESTION for all the dads out there: Could you protect your child from evil if you were afraid of everything?

That’s the dilemma posed by the Irish horror import Citadel, where we meet Tommy (Aneurin Barnard), a young father afflicted with chronic agoraphobia after his pregnant wife is brutally attacked by a gang of hooded youths (children, to be exact). When the same gang starts terrorizing Tommy again, intent on kidnapping his baby daughter, he seeks help from a doubting yet sympathetic nurse (Wunmi Mosaku) and a vigilante priest (James Cosmo) to overcome his fear and destroy the gang for good.

Drawing from his own experience with agoraphobia following a violent mugging, Citadel’s first-time feature writer/director Ciaran Foy paints Tommy’s world as a bleak, grimy landscape of blues and greys (much like how Tommy views his life and his future). Foy does an effective job at balancing scares with cares, putting Tommy in the hands of Mosaku’s nurse just long enough to provide the viewer with a false sense of relief before throwing Tommy back into danger at the hands of the gang. (Also great: Foy’s use of Tommy’s old apartment number (111) and the recurring theme of threes.)

Looking and acting like Elijah Wood’s strung-out big brother, Barnard does a great job capturing the struggle of a new parent stricken with a crippling fear and topped with a coating of paranoia. Cosmo’s embattled priest, while quite the screen presence, is a somewhat uneven mishmash of profane wisdom, jarring frankness, and tough love. Also, his exposition explaining the origin of the feral children is muddled and dodges the obvious question: If this gang of children has been around for decades, wouldn’t there now be a few adults in the group?

Winner of the Midnighters Audience Award at the 2012 South by Southwest (SXSW) Film Festival, Citadel is nearly everything a horror film should be – “nearly” because of the third act, a showdown in the abandoned apartment tower where Tommy and his wife lived when she was attacked. This finale plays like a haunted-house action sequence and betrays the creepy, atmospheric tone Foy set in the first hour. The film also ends somewhat abruptly: one side wins, and almost immediately the credits roll.

As good as Citadel is, a word of warning to anyone who’s an expectant father, a single dad, or a parent of an infant: Before you know it, you’ll soon be wondering if you would have what it takes if faced with the same terrors as Tommy.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Absolutely not. In the opening scene, Tommy’s wife is viciously attacked by the gang; Tommy’s emotional breakdowns are harrowing to watch (though he’s oddly emotionless when taking his wife off life support); the hooded children are truly scary: they attack and kill several people, complete with graphic noises and bloodshed, either in shadows or off screen; Tommy’s baby daughter is put in peril in several scenes; one of the hooded children’s throats is slit, complete with spraying blood; there are many profanities.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

With a pregnant mother beaten to death in the opening scene, a gang of mutated killer children, and the ongoing threat of a baby girl being stolen by the gang, I can’t see too many mothers who would be willing to sit through Citadel.

"Candy-Gram."

Citadel
* Director: Ciaran Foy
* Screenwriter: Ciaran Foy
* Stars: Aneurin Barnard, Wunmi Mosaku, James Cosmo, Jake Wilson, Amy Shiels
* MPAA Rating: R


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Ratatoing (2007)

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY RECENTLY RAN an article about the phenomenon of “mockbusters” – cheaply made knockoffs of blockbuster movies, released at the same time as the original film, to cash in on the buzz. Adding to the insult (and confusion) are their sound-alike titles, such as Age of the Hobbits, Braver, Paranormal Entity, Transmorphers, and American Battleship.

Last fall, FilmBoy discovered the mockbuster Chop Kick Panda, so I shared the EW article with him – and unknowingly created a monster. Fascinated by their alleged awfulness, he set out to watch as many animated mockbusters as possible. He then insisted I review mockbusters here, and I told him no way. But after much discussion and debate, I agreed to review one, and only one: the totally-not-Ratatouille flick Ratatoing.

Set in Rio de Janeiro (in place of Ratatouille’s Paris), Ratatoing tells the story of Marcell Toing, a mouse (not a rat) who’s chef and owner of his own restaurant – so in some twisted way, Marcell has already fulfilled the dream that Ratatouille’s Remy spends his entire film trying to accomplish. Anyhoo, Marcell and fellow mice Carol and Greg conduct weekly raids on human kitchens to get fresh ingredients for their entrees, while rival restaurant owners will stop at nothing to discover Marcell's secrets.

To say Ratatoing is an abomination would be an insult to all things disgusting or abhorrent. The most obvious offense is the atrocious animation. The entire film looks like unfinished footage from a Pixar behind-the-scenes featurette: flat, simple shapes with primary colors and stiff body movements that make everybody look like they’re doing the Robot.

Characters yell their dialogue at each other. Random scenes inexplicably fade to black. Attempts at humor are virtually non-existent. There’s zero character development. One animation sequence is used three times. It’s tempting to call this 45-minute “film” a train wreck, but with a real train wreck there’s at least a certain level of exhilaration. With Ratatoing, it’s just exasperation.

Ratatoing was originally voiced in Portuguese, which would explain the horrible sync-up of mouths with dialogue in this English version. The voiceover talent, including veterans Veronica Taylor (Pokemon: The First Movie), Lisa Ortiz, and Wayne Grayson, should be ashamed of their involvement. At least experienced voice actor Mike Pollock had the good sense to use an alias to hide his embarrassment.

Ratatoing is produced by Video Brinquedo, a Brazil-based company who specializes in super-cheap, poorly made imitations of popular movies, including titles such as Little Bee, Tiny Robots, Gladiformers, Little & Big Monsters, and my personal favorite, What’s UP: Balloon to the Rescue! They’re the movie equivalent of the rack toys you see at drugstores sporting borderline-lawsuit titles like Star Warriors and World Wrestling Rasslers.

Ratatoing plays like the worst kids show from 1991. Its sole reason for existence is the hope that some uninformed, astigmatic Grandma won’t tell it apart from Ratatouille and pick it up for her grandchild. It’s a perfect example of scraping the bottom of the barrel, then discovering something under the barrel.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy enjoyed Ratatoing as a bad movie, much like he did with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. He laughed frequently at how unbelievably awful it is. And Jack-Jack? Halfway through the film, he declared, “Okay, this movie is giving me a headache.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

In terms of artistic merit, Ratatoing isn’t suitable for ANY kids. That being said, there’s some mild name-calling near the end by a bad-guy mouse, who spews off “chubby,” “stupid,” and “idiot” in one insult. Also, Carol sports a disturbingly curvy body for a mouse, complete with a bubbled booty and perky breasts.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Dear God, I hope not.

Make sure you wipe your feet on that glue trap on the way out.

Ratatoing
* Director: Kip Kaplan
* Screenwriter: Kip Kaplan
* Stars: Wayne Grayson, Lisa Ortiz, Veronica Taylor, Dan Green, Mike Pollock (as Herb Lawrence), Marc Diraison, Scottie Ray
* MPAA Rating: G


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The Iron Giant (1999)

RARELY DOES A FILM COME ALONG like The Iron Giant that ignites a passion in people.

Part of that passion comes from the fact that it’s a terrific film on all levels – a fantastic story featuring rollicking action, touching relationships, and the last gasp of top-notch 2D animation (only the Iron Giant himself is computer-animated).

Another part of that passion is even more fascinating: Watch the reaction of someone who’s seen The Iron Giant when another person tells them, “I’ve never seen it.” The first person will start to stammer, eyes widened, falling over themselves to tell the other person how great it is, and that they must see it immediately. That reaction is justified by the person, and earned by the film.

Set in Maine at the height of paranoia surrounding the Cold War, The Iron Giant follows nine-year-old Hogarth Hughes (Eli Marienthal), an avid reader of comic books and watcher of the many B-movie sci-fi flicks of the era. When a giant metal alien (voiced by Vin Diesel) lands in Hogarth’s town, he hides him as best he can from prying eyes, primarily those of sneaky government agent Kent Mansley (Christopher McDonald). While it feels like a childhood dream come true for Hogarth (“My very own robot!”) and the two start forming a bond, he seeks help from a local beatnik (the perfectly cast Harry Connick, Jr.) whose scrapyard provides a safe haven from the paranoid townfolk and the US Army…but for how long?

Director Brad Bird (The Incredibles, Ratatouille) does a masterful job of developing the relationship of Hogarth and the Giant (via Tim McCanlies’ terrific script) as Hogarth explains the ways of Earth as he sees them – from the awesomeness of Superman, to the joys of doing a cannonball into a lake, to the violence and sadness of guns.


Cynics may dismiss The Iron Giant as nothing more than E.T. with a robot, but they’d be wrong on several levels, the biggest one being that the source material for The Iron Giant – the 1968 novel The Iron Man by Ted Hughes – predates E.T. by nearly 15 years. However, there is one similarity: If you cried at the ending of E.T., you’ll probably blink back tears during The Iron Giant’s finale.

Warner Brothers’ mishandling of The Iron Giant’s theatrical release in 1999 is one of the more colossal blunders in the history of the business. The studio barely promoted or advertised the film, so it vanished from theatres in weeks. Luckily, it found a second life through home video and word of mouth, and is now considered a classic.

The Iron Giant is a tremendous, powerful story featuring lessons on life, death, friendship, love, and sacrifice. Simply writing this review makes me want to watch it again. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

He and I share the rating. He couldn’t put his finger on any favorite part, but he thoroughly enjoyed The Iron Giant – laughing at several scenes of Hogarth and the Giant bonding and playing, and getting caught up in the finale when the Giant must evade and ultimately face off against the US Army, who are determined to destroy him.

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Iron Giant is rated PG for “fantasy action and mild language.”
Violence/Scariness: Hogarth gets a nosebleed after running into a tree branch; a deer is shot and killed (we hear the gunshot then see the lifeless body); Mansley knocks Hogarth unconscious with a chloroform rag; two boys are in peril of falling off the top of a building; the army shoots a mass amounts of weapons at the Giant, including guns, tanks, and missiles; the Giant responds with his own catalog of weapons that destroys several tanks and army trucks (no soldiers are killed). The finale, involving Hogarth’s town, the Giant, and a nuclear missile, may be emotionally intense for very young children.
Drugs/Alcohol/Tobacco: There are passing mentions of alcohol that will probably go over young kids’ heads. Mansley smokes a pipe on occasion. Hogarth gets comically wired after drinking an espresso.
Language: There are mild profanities: “hell” (2x), “damn it” (2x), and in the finale, Mansley declares, “Screw our country!”

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Yes. And if she’s not sure, make her. It’s a great film she shouldn’t miss.

 

That's either the Giant, or the squirrels are

throwing an all-nighter in their penthouse suite.

The Iron Giant
* Director: Brad Bird
* Screenwriter: Tim McCanlies
* Stars: Eli Marienthal, Vin Diesel, Harry Connick Jr., Jennifer Aniston, Christopher McDonald, John Mahoney
* MPAA Rating: PG


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ParaNorman (2012)

POOR LITTLE NORMAN BABCOCK. An 11-year-old horror buff, Norman is an outcast at school, his family thinks he’s weird, and he’s harassed daily by school bully Alvin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). Oh, one other thing: Norman can speak with the dead. And no one believes him.

Norman’s hometown of Blithe Hollow has a bit of a dark history: Several centuries ago, the townsfolk conjured up a good old-fashioned witch hunt – and hung an accused witch in the process. This lurid chapter in the town’s history is now embedded in its culture, from the names of its stores and restaurants to the tourist trap tchotchkes for sale on every corner.

But things are about to get much more serious: Norman’s seemingly crazy uncle, the homeless Mr. Prenderghast (John Goodman), swears he’s been holding back the witch’s curse for years by reading from an ancient book. But after he dies of a heart attack, it’s up to Norman to hold back the curse. What is the curse, you ask? Well, the witch will raise her accusers from the dead on the 300th anniversary of her trial. Which, wouldn’t ya know, is tomorrow.

Of course, Alvin gets in the way of Norman’s attempt to hold back the witch, the curse is unleashed, and seven zombies (the judge of the witch trial and six accusers) rise from their graves and descend on Blithe Hollow – leaving Norman, his only friend Neil (Tucker Albrizzi), Alvin, Norman’s snotty teen sister Courtney (Anna Kendrick) and Neil’s dumb jock brother Mitch (Casey Affleck) to try and save the day.

Meanwhile, the zombies do reach the center of town – and in an ironic twist, these undead persecutors become persecuted themselves by Blithe Hollow’s modern townsfolk, who are more vicious, violent, and bloodthirsty than the zombies themselves.

Norman eventually uncovers the true reason for the witch’s curse – one that is really dark and kind of spoilery. It’s here that ParaNorman’s horror-comedy vibe detours to one that’s more emotionally deep, a tonal shift that may turn off some viewers but one that produces a poignant ending that’s equal parts philosophical and phantasmagoric.

Featuring outstanding stop-motion animation and great doses of morbid humor (Norman tussling with Mr. Prenderghast’s corpse had me in hysterics), ParaNorman is ultimately a story about life, death, forgiveness, and letting go. It may not be a modern-day classic, but it’s worth seeking out.

Rating:

 What did FilmBoy think?

He also thought ParaNorman was good, and he didn’t get scared by any of the action taking place (as a point of reference, he’ll be 10 in April). What caught me happily off-guard was that he laughed at a lot of the same morbid jokes that I did.

Is it suitable for your kids?

ParaNorman is rated PG for “scary action and images, thematic elements, some rude humor and language.”
Violence/Scariness: There are many scary images and sequences, especially the presence of the witch in her different forms. The zombies are ghoulish, but are more morbid than menacing. Alvin bullies Norman on several occasions. There’s mild gun violence when the zombies hit town, including a woman blowing a shotgun blast through the judge zombie’s torso. As mentioned earlier, the reason behind the witch’s curse is pretty dark and almost horrifying in its own right.
Language: There are several instances of PG-level language, including “damnation,” “you suck,” “he sucks,” “friggin’,” “the F word,” “boobs,” “jackass,” and “hell, yeah.”
Adult situations: Alvin pinches Courtney’s butt out of frame. A male supporting character mentions his “boyfriend” in passing.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Our FilmMother enjoyed ParaNorman, feeling much sympathy for put-upon, misunderstood Norman but also a bit repulsed at some of the morbid humor.

I can’t get enough of this song played over the end credits of ParaNorman,

“Little Ghost” by The White Stripes:

ParaNorman
* Directors: Chris Butler, Sam Fell
* Screenwriter: Chris Butler
* Stars: Kodi Smit-McPhee, Anna Kendrick, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Tucker Albrizzi, Casey Affleck, Leslie Mann, Jeff Garlin, Elaine Stritch, Bernard Hill, Jodelle Ferland, Tempestt Bledsoe, Alex Borstein, John Goodman
* MPAA Rating: PG


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The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

HIS NAME WAS DENNIS, and he was my best friend in 3rd grade.

One Monday morning, Dennis couldn’t wait to tell me about a movie he saw over the weekend: a horror flick called The Incredible Melting Man, about an astronaut named Steve West (Alex Rebar) who comes back from space after flying through the rings of Saturn, causing his body and mind to disintegrate, making him kill.

I had seen ads for The Incredible Melting Man in the paper, and the shot of the man’s decomposing face terrified me. But Dennis proceeded to tell me all the details about the film, from the melting man’s goriest kills to his ooey, gooey demise.

It sounded like the greatest film ever made.

Over the years, I began to hear just how wrong I was. The Incredible Melting Man is panned in virtually every review you read. It even got the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment in 1996. But it still gnawed at me that I hadn’t seen this film for myself. So recently I decided to try and watch it through the eyes of a third grader, and see if it would have been cool to my inner 9-year-old.


Dennis better pray I never see him at a high school reunion.

The Incredible Melting Man is excruciatingly bad. Less than ten minutes in, the cheesiness envelops you, much like the gelatinous goo swallowing up West, our tragic hero turned mindless monster. When he’s not busy ripping people apart, West spends a lot of time wandering across hillsides, sometimes with a beautiful sunset behind him.

The acting in The Incredible Melting Man alternates between wooden and melodramatic. As Dr. Ted Nelson, the man trying to track down West, Burr DeBenning is dreadful. He looks clammy and emaciated, and delivers every line like he was told his dog died just before writer/director William Sachs yelled “Action!”

Sachs’ script doesn’t help matters. Here are a few doozies from the dialogue:

“Steve escaped.”
“He what?”
“Did you get some crackers?”

“You mean he’s radioactive?”
“Just a little bit.”

“Don’t call me baby.”
“Ok, sorry, honey.”

The Incredible Melting Man’s score by Arlon Ober sounds like something from a ‘70s cop drama – right down to the dramatic “DUM-dum-dummm” when something “shocking” happens. The only reason, if any, to sit through the film is to witness the early work of Oscar-winning special effects legend Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London).


Contrary to what I thought of Dennis’ word-of-mouth review, The Incredible Melting Man is not great. It’s not good. It’s just bad. It’s not even “so bad it’s good.” There are no scares. No suspense. Like the melting man himself, the film aimlessly lumbers from one scene to the next until it mercifully ends.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Incredible Melting Man is rated R, and for good reason:
Violence/Scariness: A nurse’s mutilated face is shown. The melting man tears off a victim’s head off-screen, then we see it tossed into a river, where it cracks open on a rock like a melon (the victim’s bloody, headless corpse appears in a later shot). The melting man rips apart and dines on an elderly couple. There are several scenes of the melting man, well, melting – all gooey with random body parts falling off. A potential victim chops off the melting man’s arm with a meat cleaver. A sheriff repeatedly shoots the melting man, who shows his appreciation by tossing the sheriff onto high voltage power lines, frying him. A major character is shot in the head. The melting man’s final demise is a gooey, crunchy mess.
Sex/Nudity: A model gets topless at a photo shoot in the woods.
Smoking: Three kids share a cigarette behind a house.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Unless she’s got a soft spot for low-budget horror cheese, highly unlikely. The Incredible Melting Man is a bloody, gooey affair with little redeeming value.

But wait – there’s more!

Act now and get your very own Incredible Melting Mandle, made by Stexe of Futurechimp:

The Incredible Melting Man
* Director: William Sachs
* Screenwriter: William Sachs
* Stars: Alex Rebar, Burr DeBenning, Myron Healey, Michael Alldredge
* MPAA Rating: R


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Congrats to the winner of the Dark Knight Rises / Magic Mike Blu-ray Combo Pack Giveaway!

And...

The winner is...

imbigwille!

Thanks to everyone who entered the contest!

Win a Blu-ray Combo Pack of The Dark Knight Rises or Magic Mike!

JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: You could win a Blu-ray Combo Pack (Blu-ray/DVD/Digital Copy) of The Dark Knight Rises or Magic Mike!

How to Enter:
Comment on this post by December 19, 2012. I will then pick one comment at random and post the winner. (The winner will have to e-mail me their mailing address to receive their prize.)

Rules:

• You must have a link to your e-mail address on your Blogger profile page. If not, you must provide your e-mail address in your comment.
• Prize is available to United States mailing addresses only. (No P.O. boxes.)
• Winning prize title will be chosen at random.

After you comment, try the Warner Brothers Happy Holidays App, featuring some classic and new movies out on Blu-ray - including The Dark Knight Rises, Magic Mike, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, and Blade Runner - as well as fun, interactive features such as:

• Holiday Movie Challenge - Are you a true cinephile? Keep your movie skills sharp with this quick quiz.
• Decode-A-Scene Game - Can you figure out what movie scene is slowly being decoded? The sooner you figure it out, the more points you earn!
• Holiday Survival Guide - Throw an epic holiday party this season with these tips that will make you look like a total holiday master.

  

Happy holidays from FilmFather -- and thanks for playing!

Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa (2012)

APPARENTLY I’M NOT HIP to what’s, uh, hip in the world of online videos.

Turns out there’s this dancing fella from Germany called Gummibar, who’s racked up tens of millions of hits on YouTube with his infectious series of techno, Autotuned dance songs like this:

After dozens of videos with song topics ranging from soccer to love to bubble baths, Gummibar’s next step was obvious: his own Christmas movie.

In Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa, after Santa is kidnapped by Allen the alien, Gummy and his friends – Harry the chameleon, Vampiro the bat, and Calla the cat – jump into action to rescue him to keep Christmas on schedule. (They take the group’s jet plane, because of course they have one.)

 

Look, anyone who willingly watches this movie isn’t looking for high art. Taking that into consideration, Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is a harmless, entertaining way to pass an hour with your kids if you’re snowed in or they’re warming up from playing outside. It has good-enough animation (Harry the chameleon’s independent eye movements are a nice touch) and eye-rolling punchlines your kids will eat up. It also has a sense of self-awareness (someone calls Gummy a “famous dancing green confectionary from the Internet”) and passing references to Die Hard 2, The Wizard of Oz, Jerry Maguire, Chinatown, Titanic, and Top Gun.

Gummibar: TYGSS also features several musical numbers (yes, Gummy does his signature tune), including songs as part of a dance-off between Gummy and Allen for possession of Santa – though someone should have told directors Jurgen Korduletsch and Bernie Denk that when it comes to Gummy’s song “Nuki Nuki” (German for “pacifier”), the term “nookie” means something entirely different in America. Lyrics like “How I love my nuki” and “My nuki never leaves my mouth” take on a whole new unintended meaning…

At times it may feel like a glorified TV special, but Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is passable fun for your family Christmas viewing – though it may take a team of specialists to remove the green guy’s songs from your head.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy liked Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa, but it was Jack-Jack who loved it. He laughed out loud at many jokes, and could barely stay in his seat during much of the action.

Is it suitable for your kids?

Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is unrated, but features some mild rude humor: Santa lets out a quick fart squeezing into a chimney, says “my butt hurts” after landing on his rear, then shows a little “plumber’s crack” while bending over to pick up presents. In other areas: Alan the alien does kidnap Santa, but it’s never shown as malevolent; Calla gives Vampiro a quick kiss under a mistletoe.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Depending on her mindset going in, she’ll most likely feel that Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is either very disposable or somewhat annoying. She could probably find better ways to spend her time…and worse ones, to be fair.

Hey family, Santa here.
Y'know, there's this service called a chimney sweep?!

Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa
* Directors: Jurgen Korduletsch, Bernie Denk
* Screenwriters: Jurgen Korduletsch, Bernie Denk
* Stars: Sonja Ball, Rick Jones, Bruce Dinsmore, Mike Paterson
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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