Wiener Dog Nationals (2013)

RECENTLY, JACK-JACK WAS OBSESSED with dachshunds, aka “wiener dogs.” Whenever he’d see one, he’d point it out and giggle until the little four-footed frankfurter was out of sight.

So when I heard there was a new family film all about wiener dogs, I was on it like relish on a…well, you know…

Wiener Dog Nationals introduces us to the Jack family: unemployed widower Phil (Jason London) and his three children, teenager Skip (Austin Anderson) and kids Bridget (Caitlin Carmichael) and Danny (Julian Feder). When Danny adopts a wiener dog named Shelly for his birthday, he discovers Shelly’s got speed and enters her – unbeknownst to Phil – in the Wiener Dog Nationals, a real-life dachshund race sponsored by the Wienerschnitzel fast food chain. With the help of Wiener Dog Nationals employee Melanie (Alicia Witt), Shelly and the Jacks keep one step ahead of the scheming Ms. Merryweather (Morgan Fairchild), a filthy-rich debutante who’ll stop at nothing to see her wiener dog, Princess, win the big race.

For a film called Wiener Dog Nationals – about a wiener dog who enters a series of wiener dog races – the amount of screen time dedicated to wiener dogs is shockingly minimal. Ironically, Shelly is marginalized in her own film. In fact, there’s so much screen time dedicated to the Jack family’s internal strife and miscommunication, the film should’ve been called A Fractured Family – Oh, and They Have a Dog Too.

First-time feature director Kevan Peterson should have added establishing scenes of Shelly bonding with Danny and his family beyond the dog races (of which, there are only three in the entire film). How about the kids playing with the dog? Getting into wacky antics much to the dismay of their strict father? Even when Shelly turns on the hijinks, it’s all shown after the fact: ripped-up couch pillows here, a chewed-up newspaper there. Where’s the fun in that?

As the exasperated dad, London spends the entire film looking either perplexed or annoyed. Fairchild comes off as Cruella DeVil Lite as she schmoozes the race’s head judge (Mad Men’s Bryan Batt) when not resorting to espionage and blackmail (!) to get Shelly disqualified. And don’t get me started on the always-painful experience of watching extended scenes of marginally talented kid actors struggling to deliver dialogue to each other (see Opposite Day, Labou).

By the time the stakes are raised in Wiener Dog Nationals’ last act, it’s too little too late. Shelly’s screen time has been scant, simple questions are left unanswered, and it all ends with (spoiler alert!) a happy ending, but an underwhelming one that basically says, “Shelly didn’t win the big race, but thanks to two completely unrelated disqualifications, she’s the winner by default!” Um, yay?

Flat and forgettable, Wiener Dog Nationals’ ultimate flaw is simple: It has too much dialogue, and not enough dachshunds. Or, as my wife puts it, “Too many words, not enough wieners.”

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

All I could get out of FilmBoy regarding Wiener Dog Nationals was complete indifference. Did he like it? “Sort of.” Jack-Jack could not be reached for comment (he fell asleep before the ending).

Is it suitable for your kids?

Wiener Dog Nationals is suitable for all ages. A few uses of “stupid” and “losers,” and Phil and Melanie make awkward advances toward each other, but that’s about it.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

My wife was unimpressed with Wiener Dog Nationals’ plot holes and overall B-movie feel. She did hope that with Shelly’s race winnings, the Jacks can afford to get Danny a haircut. Major white kid ‘fro going on there.

Bad: Your dog drinks your milk.

Worse: She's lactose intolerant.

Wiener Dog Nationals (2013)
* Director: Kevan Peterson
* Screenwriter: Gregory Gutierrez
* Stars: Alicia Witt, Jason London, Morgan Fairchild, Marque Richardson, Bryan Batt, Caitlin Carmichael, Chris Moss, Laura Ann Kesling, Austin Anderson, Julian Feder
* MPAA Rating: G



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A Turtle’s Tale 2: Sammy’s Escape from Paradise (2012)

MY MAIN GRIPE ABOUT 2010's A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures was how such a beautifully animated film could house such a plodding story and minimal character development (not to mention a subtle-as-a-sledgehammer environmental message).


The hope was that director Ben Stassen would beef up his story and its players for A Turtle Tale’s 2: Sammy’s Escape from Paradise, where we’re reunited with an advanced-age Sammy (Johnny Wesley) and his best friend Ray (Thomas Lee), who find themselves trapped by poachers and dumped into The Tank, a lavish underwater restaurant/aquarium. As they try to reunite with their grandkids Ella (Shyloh Oostwald) and Ricky (Carter Hastings), who have followed them to The Tank, Sammy and Ray try to hatch an escape plan to get past Big D (Dennis O’Connor), the tough-talking seahorse who rules the aquarium with an iron fin.

With A Turtle’s Tale 2, Stassen and his team have cut way back on the save-the-earth messaging of the original Turtle’s Tale, but the imbalance between animation and character depth still remains. Once again, the film is beautifully animated, with fluid character movement and sprawling seascapes. Unfortunately, the characters aren’t as engaging, nor is their dialogue.

This one-dimensional approach to the creatures’ personalities isn’t limited to Sammy, Ray, and their grandturtles. The inhabitants of The Tank are also one-note, stock stereotypes – a virtual United Nations of sea life sporting overbearing Spanish, French, and Italian accents, to name a few. And while Big D may be positioned as the big baddie who won’t let Sammy and Ray leave, he’s about as menacing as a tough-talking fish stick from Staten Island.

Save for one inspiring, extended sequence where Ella and Ricky are chased through the aquarium by a pair of barracudas, the action – whether to advance the plot or merely keep your attention – is virtually nil. It probably doesn’t help when your two leads are a pair of old, slow-moving sea turtles who make Finding Nemo’s Crush look like Usain Bolt.

A Turtle’s Tale 2 does feature an enjoyable yet odd use of a classic rock soundtrack, including Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower,” The Champs’ “Tequila,” and the morbid choice of the B-52’s “Rock Lobster” as a restaurant couple crack apart and slurp up a freshly served pair of the song’s titular crustaceans.

Just like its predecessor, A Turtle’s Tale 2 is a disappointing and frustrating experience. Stassen and his obviously talented team of animators and filmmakers have again put immense efforts into creating a visually enthralling world, but little to no effort into the characters who inhabit it. Gorgeous style, very little substance…and another wasted opportunity.

aka Sammy’s Great Escape.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

A Turtle’s Tale 2 was unable to keep their attention. By the halfway point, they were doing other things while the film played in the background. (Truth be told, I was checking the clock by that point, too.) FilmBoy’s official verdict? “It wasn’t the best movie ever. It was okay. It was definitely better than the first one.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

Violence/Scariness: Seagulls try to eat a group of turtle hatchlings as they make a run from the beach to the ocean. A couple of dopey little fish are eaten by a pair of barracudas (one gulp, no blood). Ella and Ricky are in danger of being eaten as they’re chased by the same barracudas.
Rude Humor: Seagulls unleash a barrage of bird droppings on a boat’s crew.
Language: One mention of “idiot.” An eel declares, “You don’t have a friggin’ clue.”
Alcohol: Bartenders at a club in the aquarium mix and serve drinks.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

She may want to watch it based on the setting, premise, and cute box art, but steer her clear. She’ll be bored within the first 30 minutes.

"What a cutie. Shame to eat 'em in just one bite..."

A Turtle’s Tale 2: Sammy’s Escape from Paradise
* Directors: Ben Stassen, Vincent Kesteloot
* Screenwriter: Dominic Paris
* Stars: Johnny Wesley, Thomas Lee, Shyloh Oostwald, Carter Hastings, Dennis O’Connor
* MPAA Rating: N/A



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A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

OFFICES OF RAPID HEART PICTURES, BURBANK, CA – SUMMER 2012

“Mornin’, Sam.”
“Mornin’, Ralph.”
“Listen, Sam, we’ve done great with our line of Z-grade, homoerotic horror films, but I think we need to broaden our audience. Let’s make a family-friendly kids film.”
“Sure. What’d you have in mind?”
“A Talking Cat!?!”
“A talking cat? Where?!”
“No, no – let’s make a movie about a talking cat.”
“You had me at ‘let’s make a movie.’”
“By the way, A Talking Cat!?! is also the title.”
“We’re going to call a movie about a talking cat A Talking Cat!?!”
“Yep. That’s two exclamation points and one question mark. To emphasize the wackiness.”
“How about two question marks and one exclamation point?”
“C’mon, Sam, that’d just look stupid.”
“Don’t you think we should try and call it something remotely clever or cute, like Cat Got Your Tongue or Kitten Caboodle? Y’know, so it looks like we put an ounce of thought behind it?”
“Nah. A Talking Cat!?! is direct, honest. Parents look for that in movies for their kids.”
“So what’s the plot?”
“I dunno. Something simple that’s been done a hundred times over. How about two families who need to be brought together for some happy-ending reason…but with a talking cat.”
“Works for me. What about the cast?”
“Get a handful of some marginally competent teen actors. It doesn’t matter if they can actually act…kids who watch this won’t care.”
“Done.”
“We also need some actors to keep the parents’ attention. Get some young actors from the ‘70s to play the adults. For the dad, let’s get the kid from Sigmund and the Sea Monster.”
“You mean Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.”
“No, I think it’s Monster.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s Monsters. Y’know, a quick Google search could settle this…”
“No time. Just make sure it’s correct on the box.”
“You got it.”
“For the female lead, get that girl-next-door cutie from Meatballs. The blonde.”
“Yeah, she was cute. Those eyes. That smile…”
“Focus, Sam.”
“Hey, speaking of Meatballs, you think Bill Murray would do a cameo?”
“[blank stare]”
“Right. Never mind.”
“Finally, we need someone to voice the cat. And that someone is Eric Roberts.”
“Eric Roberts?”
“Yeah. We can get him, cheap. He owes us for not talking about that thing…you know…”
“Oh yeah…that thing…”
“Mmm-hmm. But don’t have him talk like a fun-loving cat. Have him talk kinda like a smarmy robot. Kids love robots.”
“A smarmy…robot…”
“And make sure his voiceover sounds good. Whatever you do, don’t make it sound like he recorded his lines using a rolled-up paper megaphone while standing in a large bathroom.”
“Question: How will we make the cat’s mouth move without spending a fortune?”
“No sweat. My nephew’s a whiz with Microsoft Paint. I’ll buy him a six-pack of Red Bull, and he’ll make us an animated black hole for the cat’s mouth. In no way will it look like a pulsating black diamond with complete disregard to the actual words Roberts is saying.”
“Great.”
“Also, work the story so the cat can only talk to each human once. It’ll cut down on the cost of the effects.”
“But…”
“Every penny counts, Sam.”
“Uh-huh. Well, what about a director? Who’s gonna helm this masterpiece?”
“Let’s get David to do it.”
“David DeCoteau, the guy who runs this place?”
“Yeah. He got his start with Roger Corman, so some of that has to rub off, right? At least we know he’ll bring it in under budget.”
“After directing stuff like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Test Tube Teens From the Year 2000, a flick about a talking cat should be no-brainer.”
“Exactly. Oh, and he might use the pseudonym Mary Crawford. It’s his…thing.”
“I wish I had a ‘thing.’ Should we scout locations?”
“Nah. Let’s just use the same mansion from our 1313 films.”
“That was easy. What about the music score?”
“Let’s get the guy who scores all the other films for Rapid Heart: Henry Mancini!”
“Henry Mancini’s dead. I think you mean Harry Manfredini.”
“Yeah, that guy. Did you know he scored all the Friday the 13th movies?”
“Yes. Yes he did.”
“For the trailer, here’s what I’m thinking…”

“Um, okay.”
“Make sure to use Comic Sans for the title cards. It screams ‘professional filmmaking.’”
“Plus, the kids will love it.”
“Exactly. And make sure you show the cat’s butthole in close-up at least once. Kids will think that’s hysterical and they’ll talk about it for days.”

A TALKING CAT!?! DVD RELEASE – FEBRUARY 2013

“Sam! Look at the buzz for A Talking Cat!?! It’s a hit!”
“Uh, don’t know if those reviews qualify it as a hit: ‘I swear my 10-year-old could make this film on her video camera.’ ‘The cat's acting is all thanks to a laser pointer that is clearly visible.’ ‘This is awesomely bad.’ Ralph, did we really screen A Talking Cat!?! at the Wisconsin Transgender Film Extravaganza?”
“Who cares? The point is, people are talking about this film: on the world wide web, the blogosphere, even in those social mediums. You know what I’m thinking?”
“No. What?”
“Two words: Talking. Pony.”

“Oh God.”
“I smell franchiiiiiise!!!”
“I sure smell something.”

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

Recently, FilmBoy’s been a bit of a connoisseur of bad movies. So it means a lot when he says of A Talking Cat!?!, “It makes Ratatoing look like a masterpiece.”

 Is it suitable for your kids?

Aside from its inherent existence, there’s nothing inappropriate with A Talking Cat!?! Two teen siblings exchange insults such as “shut it,” “I hate you,” “loser,” and “nerd,” but that’s about it.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

If she does, tell her some of these quotes from my FilmMother. She told FilmBoy, “Your brother’s the smartest one in this family: He’s not watching this.” Then at the end, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I’m ever gonna forgive you for that one.” And she’s a cat person.

Oh my God...that's what our dailies look like!?!

A Talking Cat!?!
* Director: David DeCoteau (as Mary Crawford)
* Screenwriter: Andrew Helm
* Stars: Kristine DeBell, Johnny Whitaker, Eric Roberts, Alison Sieke
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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Junior High Spy (2012)

PUT OFF BY the high-quality entertainment and production value of Spy Kids and Agent Cody Banks? Have we got a movie for YOU!

Junior high student Ricky (Christopher Lazlo) is a budding secret agent in training, thanks to the support of his FBI father, Richard (Harry Edison). But when his dad is kidnapped by Very Bad Men and the FBI’s leads dry up, Ricky enlists the help of his whiz-kid friend Jack (Matthew Downs) to help him track down the bad guys and bring his dad home.

Despite the fact that Junior High Spy is centered around the American-based FBI, the film is obviously a Canadian production – from the unmistakable accent (they talk aboot Ricky’s dad being held hostage in a big hoose, eh?) to the maple leaf flag displayed on the speedboat where the bad guys knock Ricky out and abduct his dad.


This is obviously an independent feature with a limited budget, but the filmmakers should’ve squeezed out a few extra bucks for acting lessons. The kid actors’ wooden, unconvincing performances are fittingly on par with a junior high play, and the adult actors aren’t much better.


The script by Barry Cowan is solid – it’s the execution that comes up short. Flat delivery of lines, uneven pacing, odd editing, and long stretches where nothing happens to advance the story or character development. And despite an abundance of FBI agents and Very Bad Men, not one gun in sight. (Oh, those polite Canadians and their wacky gun control laws!)

Even at just 87 minutes, Junior High Spy is stuffed with gobs of filler – mostly consisting of Ricky patrolling the mansion grounds on his ATV or cheesecake footage of teenager Kate (Jessica Ducharme) strolling the hillsides in a bikini top and short-shorts. In addition, the musical score consists of exactly four themes, repeated ad nauseum: there’s Main Titles Theme, Investigation Theme, Suspense Theme, and Action Theme.

Halfway through Junior High Spy, FilmBoy and I started talking back to the screen at all the ridiculousness. The stiff performances, the “oh no, not again” recurrence of the film’s limited soundtrack, the unconvincing fight scenes…they all provided fodder for us to make goofy comments and turn the experience from brutally painful to barely tolerable.

Released by independent studio Skylight Films and distributed by Inception Media Group, Junior High Spy eventually reaches its happy ending, but leaves the door open for a sequel. One can only hope!*

*That it never happens.

aka Ricky Lazio Jr., FBI.

Rating:

Normally a movie like this would rate 1 star,

but for unintentional entertainment value, it gets:

What did FilmBoy think?

“Okay. It was good. It wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen.” The repetition of the same four soundtrack themes did start to get on his nerves. He also thought it was hysterical the way the Canadian cast says “house” (“hoose”); the fact that it’s said repeatedly by Ricky only made it funnier.

Is it suitable for your kids?

Language: Mentions of “butt,” “dummy,” and “perv.”
Violence: There are several fight scenes, mostly involving martial arts. No bloodshed or deaths.
Adult situations: Kate is seen in various skimpy clothing and bikinis; Ricky shares a kiss with Kate’s younger sister, Kylie (Mikayla Ottonello). The antics of 12-year-old Jack are sometimes uncomfortable: He describes Kate as “definitely hot,” comments on her “heavenly body,” literally pants over her in one scene, and tries to sneak a glass of wine at a swank party at the mansion. There’s brief mention of the bad guys being involved in “smuggling,” though it’s never made clear exactly what they’re smuggling.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Can’t think of one reason why she would.

Let's go to work.
(While being mindful of child labor laws.)

Junior High Spy
* Directors: Mark McNabb, Kelly Rae Irwin
* Screenwriter: Barry Cowan
* Stars: Christopher Fazio, Mikayla Ottonello, Matthew Downs, Harry Edison, Dorothy Downs, Jessica Ducharme
* MPAA Rating: N/A



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The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure (2012)

THEY COME FROM THE MAN who gave us the Teletubbies.

They look like Barney the Dinosaur, the Doodlebops, and H.R. Pufnstuf had a freaky three-way.

They had the worst box-office opening of all time.

And now, they’re coming to your home.

Yes, last fall’s infamous bomb The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure is now available on home video. It features the adventures of full-bodied puppet-kids Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie as they plan a surprise birthday party for their friend Schluufy, who happens to be…a gibberish-spewing pillow. But when their friend, a vacuum named J. Edgar (because he’s a Hoover, get it?), trips and loses five magical balloons meant for Schluufy, the Oogies set out to retrieve the balloons in time for the party.

The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure is an interactive movie, with the Oogies talking to the screen and urging preschoolers to get out of their seats at various points in the film and take part in song and dance routines, complete with follow-the-bouncing-ball lyrics displayed at the bottom. These overzealous commands quickly spiral out of control, often coming just minutes apart and sometimes lasting for mere seconds before the kids are told to sit down. (It makes the stand-sit-pray frequency of a Catholic mass look tame.) The songs are of the Chinese-water-torture variety, repeating the same verse over and over until you confess to crimes you didn’t even commit.

The Oogies encounter actual human beings in their journeys, and it makes you wonder what career-ending scandals these actors are hiding that allowed them to be blackmailed into appearing:

• Cloris Leachman as a polka-dot-loving shrew named (wait for it) Dottie
• Chazz Palminteri as Marvin Milkshake, who basically hazes his customers into dancing for their drinks at his dairy bar
• Toni Braxton (whose recent bankruptcy might explain her presence here) as a pop diva in a painfully long segment where she sings a ballad about coughing and sneezing
• The Princess Bride’s Cary Elwes, who seems to be enjoying himself way too much as a bubble-loving cowboy whose bouncy swagger makes him look like he has to pee
• Jaime Pressly as a latino salsa dancer and her partner Christopher Lloyd, who’s dressed in flamenco garb and speaks only by beating his bongos

And just when it seems all of Schluufy’s birthday balloons are safely retrieved by the Oogieloves, they’re lost again due to a strong wind. But before you can say deus ex machina, the balloons declare, “There’s only one thing stronger than the wind: love!” So the Oogies – and I am not making this up – start blowing kisses over and over to bring the balloons back. It’s at this point your mind starts coming to grips with the fact that the entire film centers around a surprise birthday party for a pillow. (When does life exactly begin for a pillow? Is it the manufacture date on the tag?)

Spoiler alert: The Oogies’ kisses bring the balloons back and the party is a success, as Schluufy sits there like some kind of stuffed invalid while everyone dances around him, seemingly rubbing their mobility in his face.

On some level, the Oogieloves’ creator Kenn Viselman (he of Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank Engine fame) should be commended for trying something different with the interactive nature of The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure and its world of bright colors, soft shapes, and surreal settings. But factor in the trite, grating musical numbers, stilted dialogue, inept animal puppetry, often-insulting tone, and complete lack of substance, and you’re left with nothing more than an 88-minute mess. The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure may be filled with the best intentions, but so is the road to Hell.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy thought The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure was awful, declaring at mid-point, “How is the guy who created this not embarrassed?” Jack-Jack kept saying repeatedly, “Why was this in the theaters?” – though secretly, I think he may enjoy the film more than he lets on.

Is it suitable for your kids?

From a strictly content perspective, yes – unless you consider Jaime Pressly kissing the Oogieloves’ pet fish on the lips to be subversive.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

My FilmMother thought The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure was trippy, annoying, and devoid of any educational value. Halfway through, she said to me, “We’re never gonna get these moments back, you know.”

More like the Oogiehates, amiright?

Thank you, try the veal.

The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure
* Director: Matthew Diamond
* Screenwriter: Scott Stabile
* Stars: Christopher Lloyd, Cary Elwes, Jaime Pressly, Cloris Leachman, Chazz Palminteri, Toni Braxton, Garrett Clayton, Maya Stange, Nick Drago, Malerie Grady, Steve Blackwood
* MPAA Rating: G


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Ratatoing (2007)

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY RECENTLY RAN an article about the phenomenon of “mockbusters” – cheaply made knockoffs of blockbuster movies, released at the same time as the original film, to cash in on the buzz. Adding to the insult (and confusion) are their sound-alike titles, such as Age of the Hobbits, Braver, Paranormal Entity, Transmorphers, and American Battleship.

Last fall, FilmBoy discovered the mockbuster Chop Kick Panda, so I shared the EW article with him – and unknowingly created a monster. Fascinated by their alleged awfulness, he set out to watch as many animated mockbusters as possible. He then insisted I review mockbusters here, and I told him no way. But after much discussion and debate, I agreed to review one, and only one: the totally-not-Ratatouille flick Ratatoing.

Set in Rio de Janeiro (in place of Ratatouille’s Paris), Ratatoing tells the story of Marcell Toing, a mouse (not a rat) who’s chef and owner of his own restaurant – so in some twisted way, Marcell has already fulfilled the dream that Ratatouille’s Remy spends his entire film trying to accomplish. Anyhoo, Marcell and fellow mice Carol and Greg conduct weekly raids on human kitchens to get fresh ingredients for their entrees, while rival restaurant owners will stop at nothing to discover Marcell's secrets.

To say Ratatoing is an abomination would be an insult to all things disgusting or abhorrent. The most obvious offense is the atrocious animation. The entire film looks like unfinished footage from a Pixar behind-the-scenes featurette: flat, simple shapes with primary colors and stiff body movements that make everybody look like they’re doing the Robot.

Characters yell their dialogue at each other. Random scenes inexplicably fade to black. Attempts at humor are virtually non-existent. There’s zero character development. One animation sequence is used three times. It’s tempting to call this 45-minute “film” a train wreck, but with a real train wreck there’s at least a certain level of exhilaration. With Ratatoing, it’s just exasperation.

Ratatoing was originally voiced in Portuguese, which would explain the horrible sync-up of mouths with dialogue in this English version. The voiceover talent, including veterans Veronica Taylor (Pokemon: The First Movie), Lisa Ortiz, and Wayne Grayson, should be ashamed of their involvement. At least experienced voice actor Mike Pollock had the good sense to use an alias to hide his embarrassment.

Ratatoing is produced by Video Brinquedo, a Brazil-based company who specializes in super-cheap, poorly made imitations of popular movies, including titles such as Little Bee, Tiny Robots, Gladiformers, Little & Big Monsters, and my personal favorite, What’s UP: Balloon to the Rescue! They’re the movie equivalent of the rack toys you see at drugstores sporting borderline-lawsuit titles like Star Warriors and World Wrestling Rasslers.

Ratatoing plays like the worst kids show from 1991. Its sole reason for existence is the hope that some uninformed, astigmatic Grandma won’t tell it apart from Ratatouille and pick it up for her grandchild. It’s a perfect example of scraping the bottom of the barrel, then discovering something under the barrel.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy enjoyed Ratatoing as a bad movie, much like he did with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. He laughed frequently at how unbelievably awful it is. And Jack-Jack? Halfway through the film, he declared, “Okay, this movie is giving me a headache.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

In terms of artistic merit, Ratatoing isn’t suitable for ANY kids. That being said, there’s some mild name-calling near the end by a bad-guy mouse, who spews off “chubby,” “stupid,” and “idiot” in one insult. Also, Carol sports a disturbingly curvy body for a mouse, complete with a bubbled booty and perky breasts.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Dear God, I hope not.

Make sure you wipe your feet on that glue trap on the way out.

Ratatoing
* Director: Kip Kaplan
* Screenwriter: Kip Kaplan
* Stars: Wayne Grayson, Lisa Ortiz, Veronica Taylor, Dan Green, Mike Pollock (as Herb Lawrence), Marc Diraison, Scottie Ray
* MPAA Rating: G


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Labou (2009)

*SIGH*. Another week, another anemic selection of G-rated kids’ movies on Netflix.

We wind up with Labou, an independent children’s film where three tweens – Toddster (Bryan James Kitto), Gavin (Darnell J. Hamilton), and Emily (Marissa Cuevas) – set out in the Louisiana bayou to find the lost treasure of Capt. LeRouge (Barnie Duncan), but on the way discover a cute little swamp critter named Labou.

After Opposite Day and Labou, I’ve had about all I can take of marginally talented kid actors speaking paragraphs of adult dialogue. For what it’s worth, Kitto is the best of the three kid stars and delivers his lines with the most conviction.

What’s even more frustrating is how the kids react upon meeting Labou. Most kids would probably say something like, “Omigod, it’s some kind of alien lizard creature! I hope it doesn’t have a taste for human flesh!” Instead, they’re merely curious about their not-of-this-earth discovery, and after five minutes they’re having an impromptu musical jam with him(!).

Labou is an animatronic creation (think Gremlins’ Gizmo crossed with a frog) who’s convincing enough to satisfy kid viewers, but adults will be much more cynical. He feels like he could have been plucked from a Jim Henson reject pile.

Even worse than his unconvincing appearance, Labou disappears from the film for stretches at a time – forcing viewers to sit through either a) the three kid actors trying to carry their scenes; or b) unfunny slapstick and insults between a pair of bumbling father-and-son developers (Earl Scioneaux and Chris Violette) who want to raze Labou’s swampland home and build an oil refinery.

While it’s too little too late, the last 20 minutes of Labou does hit on the magic that the rest of the film struggles to deliver, and it all ties up nicely at the end.

Bottom line: Writer/director (and veteran FX artist) Greg Aronowitz obviously made Labou for kids, and in that respect, mission accomplished. It’s a perfectly harmless, highly disposable children’s film that parents shouldn’t (and won’t) take too seriously.

Rating:

What did Dash and

Jack-Jack think?

Labou may test the attention spans of very young children, but gradeschoolers will probably find it entertaining. To that point, Jack-Jack had almost no interest in the film, giving up halfway through, while Dash stayed with it, paying attention at every line of dialogue and laughing several times. His final summation: “It wasn’t too bad.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

The only minor concerns in Labou are some name-calling (“loser,” “idiot,” and my personal fave, “Billy the Skidmark”) and a brief scene featuring a drunk person.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

She may enjoy the fact that Labou is almost totally harmless for children, though like most adults, I doubt she’ll actually enjoy it herself.

Aaarrrgh, indeed.

Labou
* Director: Greg Aronowitz
* Screenwriter: Greg Aronowitz
* Stars: Barnie Duncan, Darnell Hamilton, Bryan James Kitto, Marissa Cuevas, Earl Scioneaux, Chris Violette, Ray Nagin, Kelson Henderson
* MPAA Rating: G

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