A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

OFFICES OF RAPID HEART PICTURES, BURBANK, CA – SUMMER 2012

“Mornin’, Sam.”
“Mornin’, Ralph.”
“Listen, Sam, we’ve done great with our line of Z-grade, homoerotic horror films, but I think we need to broaden our audience. Let’s make a family-friendly kids film.”
“Sure. What’d you have in mind?”
“A Talking Cat!?!”
“A talking cat? Where?!”
“No, no – let’s make a movie about a talking cat.”
“You had me at ‘let’s make a movie.’”
“By the way, A Talking Cat!?! is also the title.”
“We’re going to call a movie about a talking cat A Talking Cat!?!”
“Yep. That’s two exclamation points and one question mark. To emphasize the wackiness.”
“How about two question marks and one exclamation point?”
“C’mon, Sam, that’d just look stupid.”
“Don’t you think we should try and call it something remotely clever or cute, like Cat Got Your Tongue or Kitten Caboodle? Y’know, so it looks like we put an ounce of thought behind it?”
“Nah. A Talking Cat!?! is direct, honest. Parents look for that in movies for their kids.”
“So what’s the plot?”
“I dunno. Something simple that’s been done a hundred times over. How about two families who need to be brought together for some happy-ending reason…but with a talking cat.”
“Works for me. What about the cast?”
“Get a handful of some marginally competent teen actors. It doesn’t matter if they can actually act…kids who watch this won’t care.”
“Done.”
“We also need some actors to keep the parents’ attention. Get some young actors from the ‘70s to play the adults. For the dad, let’s get the kid from Sigmund and the Sea Monster.”
“You mean Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.”
“No, I think it’s Monster.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s Monsters. Y’know, a quick Google search could settle this…”
“No time. Just make sure it’s correct on the box.”
“You got it.”
“For the female lead, get that girl-next-door cutie from Meatballs. The blonde.”
“Yeah, she was cute. Those eyes. That smile…”
“Focus, Sam.”
“Hey, speaking of Meatballs, you think Bill Murray would do a cameo?”
“[blank stare]”
“Right. Never mind.”
“Finally, we need someone to voice the cat. And that someone is Eric Roberts.”
“Eric Roberts?”
“Yeah. We can get him, cheap. He owes us for not talking about that thing…you know…”
“Oh yeah…that thing…”
“Mmm-hmm. But don’t have him talk like a fun-loving cat. Have him talk kinda like a smarmy robot. Kids love robots.”
“A smarmy…robot…”
“And make sure his voiceover sounds good. Whatever you do, don’t make it sound like he recorded his lines using a rolled-up paper megaphone while standing in a large bathroom.”
“Question: How will we make the cat’s mouth move without spending a fortune?”
“No sweat. My nephew’s a whiz with Microsoft Paint. I’ll buy him a six-pack of Red Bull, and he’ll make us an animated black hole for the cat’s mouth. In no way will it look like a pulsating black diamond with complete disregard to the actual words Roberts is saying.”
“Great.”
“Also, work the story so the cat can only talk to each human once. It’ll cut down on the cost of the effects.”
“But…”
“Every penny counts, Sam.”
“Uh-huh. Well, what about a director? Who’s gonna helm this masterpiece?”
“Let’s get David to do it.”
“David DeCoteau, the guy who runs this place?”
“Yeah. He got his start with Roger Corman, so some of that has to rub off, right? At least we know he’ll bring it in under budget.”
“After directing stuff like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Test Tube Teens From the Year 2000, a flick about a talking cat should be no-brainer.”
“Exactly. Oh, and he might use the pseudonym Mary Crawford. It’s his…thing.”
“I wish I had a ‘thing.’ Should we scout locations?”
“Nah. Let’s just use the same mansion from our 1313 films.”
“That was easy. What about the music score?”
“Let’s get the guy who scores all the other films for Rapid Heart: Henry Mancini!”
“Henry Mancini’s dead. I think you mean Harry Manfredini.”
“Yeah, that guy. Did you know he scored all the Friday the 13th movies?”
“Yes. Yes he did.”
“For the trailer, here’s what I’m thinking…”

“Um, okay.”
“Make sure to use Comic Sans for the title cards. It screams ‘professional filmmaking.’”
“Plus, the kids will love it.”
“Exactly. And make sure you show the cat’s butthole in close-up at least once. Kids will think that’s hysterical and they’ll talk about it for days.”

A TALKING CAT!?! DVD RELEASE – FEBRUARY 2013

“Sam! Look at the buzz for A Talking Cat!?! It’s a hit!”
“Uh, don’t know if those reviews qualify it as a hit: ‘I swear my 10-year-old could make this film on her video camera.’ ‘The cat's acting is all thanks to a laser pointer that is clearly visible.’ ‘This is awesomely bad.’ Ralph, did we really screen A Talking Cat!?! at the Wisconsin Transgender Film Extravaganza?”
“Who cares? The point is, people are talking about this film: on the world wide web, the blogosphere, even in those social mediums. You know what I’m thinking?”
“No. What?”
“Two words: Talking. Pony.”

“Oh God.”
“I smell franchiiiiiise!!!”
“I sure smell something.”

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

Recently, FilmBoy’s been a bit of a connoisseur of bad movies. So it means a lot when he says of A Talking Cat!?!, “It makes Ratatoing look like a masterpiece.”

 Is it suitable for your kids?

Aside from its inherent existence, there’s nothing inappropriate with A Talking Cat!?! Two teen siblings exchange insults such as “shut it,” “I hate you,” “loser,” and “nerd,” but that’s about it.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

If she does, tell her some of these quotes from my FilmMother. She told FilmBoy, “Your brother’s the smartest one in this family: He’s not watching this.” Then at the end, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I’m ever gonna forgive you for that one.” And she’s a cat person.

Oh my God...that's what our dailies look like!?!

A Talking Cat!?!
* Director: David DeCoteau (as Mary Crawford)
* Screenwriter: Andrew Helm
* Stars: Kristine DeBell, Johnny Whitaker, Eric Roberts, Alison Sieke
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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Ratatoing (2007)

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY RECENTLY RAN an article about the phenomenon of “mockbusters” – cheaply made knockoffs of blockbuster movies, released at the same time as the original film, to cash in on the buzz. Adding to the insult (and confusion) are their sound-alike titles, such as Age of the Hobbits, Braver, Paranormal Entity, Transmorphers, and American Battleship.

Last fall, FilmBoy discovered the mockbuster Chop Kick Panda, so I shared the EW article with him – and unknowingly created a monster. Fascinated by their alleged awfulness, he set out to watch as many animated mockbusters as possible. He then insisted I review mockbusters here, and I told him no way. But after much discussion and debate, I agreed to review one, and only one: the totally-not-Ratatouille flick Ratatoing.

Set in Rio de Janeiro (in place of Ratatouille’s Paris), Ratatoing tells the story of Marcell Toing, a mouse (not a rat) who’s chef and owner of his own restaurant – so in some twisted way, Marcell has already fulfilled the dream that Ratatouille’s Remy spends his entire film trying to accomplish. Anyhoo, Marcell and fellow mice Carol and Greg conduct weekly raids on human kitchens to get fresh ingredients for their entrees, while rival restaurant owners will stop at nothing to discover Marcell's secrets.

To say Ratatoing is an abomination would be an insult to all things disgusting or abhorrent. The most obvious offense is the atrocious animation. The entire film looks like unfinished footage from a Pixar behind-the-scenes featurette: flat, simple shapes with primary colors and stiff body movements that make everybody look like they’re doing the Robot.

Characters yell their dialogue at each other. Random scenes inexplicably fade to black. Attempts at humor are virtually non-existent. There’s zero character development. One animation sequence is used three times. It’s tempting to call this 45-minute “film” a train wreck, but with a real train wreck there’s at least a certain level of exhilaration. With Ratatoing, it’s just exasperation.

Ratatoing was originally voiced in Portuguese, which would explain the horrible sync-up of mouths with dialogue in this English version. The voiceover talent, including veterans Veronica Taylor (Pokemon: The First Movie), Lisa Ortiz, and Wayne Grayson, should be ashamed of their involvement. At least experienced voice actor Mike Pollock had the good sense to use an alias to hide his embarrassment.

Ratatoing is produced by Video Brinquedo, a Brazil-based company who specializes in super-cheap, poorly made imitations of popular movies, including titles such as Little Bee, Tiny Robots, Gladiformers, Little & Big Monsters, and my personal favorite, What’s UP: Balloon to the Rescue! They’re the movie equivalent of the rack toys you see at drugstores sporting borderline-lawsuit titles like Star Warriors and World Wrestling Rasslers.

Ratatoing plays like the worst kids show from 1991. Its sole reason for existence is the hope that some uninformed, astigmatic Grandma won’t tell it apart from Ratatouille and pick it up for her grandchild. It’s a perfect example of scraping the bottom of the barrel, then discovering something under the barrel.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy enjoyed Ratatoing as a bad movie, much like he did with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. He laughed frequently at how unbelievably awful it is. And Jack-Jack? Halfway through the film, he declared, “Okay, this movie is giving me a headache.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

In terms of artistic merit, Ratatoing isn’t suitable for ANY kids. That being said, there’s some mild name-calling near the end by a bad-guy mouse, who spews off “chubby,” “stupid,” and “idiot” in one insult. Also, Carol sports a disturbingly curvy body for a mouse, complete with a bubbled booty and perky breasts.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Dear God, I hope not.

Make sure you wipe your feet on that glue trap on the way out.

Ratatoing
* Director: Kip Kaplan
* Screenwriter: Kip Kaplan
* Stars: Wayne Grayson, Lisa Ortiz, Veronica Taylor, Dan Green, Mike Pollock (as Herb Lawrence), Marc Diraison, Scottie Ray
* MPAA Rating: G


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The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

HIS NAME WAS DENNIS, and he was my best friend in 3rd grade.

One Monday morning, Dennis couldn’t wait to tell me about a movie he saw over the weekend: a horror flick called The Incredible Melting Man, about an astronaut named Steve West (Alex Rebar) who comes back from space after flying through the rings of Saturn, causing his body and mind to disintegrate, making him kill.

I had seen ads for The Incredible Melting Man in the paper, and the shot of the man’s decomposing face terrified me. But Dennis proceeded to tell me all the details about the film, from the melting man’s goriest kills to his ooey, gooey demise.

It sounded like the greatest film ever made.

Over the years, I began to hear just how wrong I was. The Incredible Melting Man is panned in virtually every review you read. It even got the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment in 1996. But it still gnawed at me that I hadn’t seen this film for myself. So recently I decided to try and watch it through the eyes of a third grader, and see if it would have been cool to my inner 9-year-old.


Dennis better pray I never see him at a high school reunion.

The Incredible Melting Man is excruciatingly bad. Less than ten minutes in, the cheesiness envelops you, much like the gelatinous goo swallowing up West, our tragic hero turned mindless monster. When he’s not busy ripping people apart, West spends a lot of time wandering across hillsides, sometimes with a beautiful sunset behind him.

The acting in The Incredible Melting Man alternates between wooden and melodramatic. As Dr. Ted Nelson, the man trying to track down West, Burr DeBenning is dreadful. He looks clammy and emaciated, and delivers every line like he was told his dog died just before writer/director William Sachs yelled “Action!”

Sachs’ script doesn’t help matters. Here are a few doozies from the dialogue:

“Steve escaped.”
“He what?”
“Did you get some crackers?”

“You mean he’s radioactive?”
“Just a little bit.”

“Don’t call me baby.”
“Ok, sorry, honey.”

The Incredible Melting Man’s score by Arlon Ober sounds like something from a ‘70s cop drama – right down to the dramatic “DUM-dum-dummm” when something “shocking” happens. The only reason, if any, to sit through the film is to witness the early work of Oscar-winning special effects legend Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London).


Contrary to what I thought of Dennis’ word-of-mouth review, The Incredible Melting Man is not great. It’s not good. It’s just bad. It’s not even “so bad it’s good.” There are no scares. No suspense. Like the melting man himself, the film aimlessly lumbers from one scene to the next until it mercifully ends.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Incredible Melting Man is rated R, and for good reason:
Violence/Scariness: A nurse’s mutilated face is shown. The melting man tears off a victim’s head off-screen, then we see it tossed into a river, where it cracks open on a rock like a melon (the victim’s bloody, headless corpse appears in a later shot). The melting man rips apart and dines on an elderly couple. There are several scenes of the melting man, well, melting – all gooey with random body parts falling off. A potential victim chops off the melting man’s arm with a meat cleaver. A sheriff repeatedly shoots the melting man, who shows his appreciation by tossing the sheriff onto high voltage power lines, frying him. A major character is shot in the head. The melting man’s final demise is a gooey, crunchy mess.
Sex/Nudity: A model gets topless at a photo shoot in the woods.
Smoking: Three kids share a cigarette behind a house.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Unless she’s got a soft spot for low-budget horror cheese, highly unlikely. The Incredible Melting Man is a bloody, gooey affair with little redeeming value.

But wait – there’s more!

Act now and get your very own Incredible Melting Mandle, made by Stexe of Futurechimp:

The Incredible Melting Man
* Director: William Sachs
* Screenwriter: William Sachs
* Stars: Alex Rebar, Burr DeBenning, Myron Healey, Michael Alldredge
* MPAA Rating: R


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The Green Slime (1969)

WATCHING BAD MOVIES CAN BE FUN. If a movie has the right combination of poor elements, it can be a blast to sit through. (I taught Dash about this with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.)

So when I saw that the long-heralded bad movie The Green Slime was airing on Turner Classic Movies (on the heels of a remastered DVD last year), I decided to see if it was possible to have a good time with this supposedly horrible flick.

Plot:
With a giant asteroid heading toward Earth, a group of astronauts led by Commanders Jack Rankin (Robert Horton) and Vince Elliott (Richard Jaeckel) disembark from a nearby space station to blow it up (sound familiar?). The mission is successful, but they return to the station unknowingly bringing back a gooey green substance that mutates into one-eyed tentacled monsters that feed off electricity. Soon the station is crawling with them, and members of the station’s staff are being zapped by the giant creatures.

Critique:

The Green Slime opens with an effective, mysterious shot of space – one that’s immediately marred as an obviously miniature space station comes into frame, orbiting in fits and starts as if the effects person who's spinning it is getting a wrist cramp.

Things don’t get any better from there. The film’s first 30 minutes, focusing on the destruction of the asteroid threatening Earth, features long stretches of dead silence as our heroes make their journey. No dialogue, no sound effects, not even a musical score. This is probably why I fell asleep three different times trying to get past this opening sequence.

Things go from painfully dull to laughably bad once the asteroid is destroyed. The biggest offender is the film’s special effects, including:

• Set pieces that often make The Green Slime feel like a Godzilla movie without Godzilla
• Rocket ships that look like something from a kid’s backyard launcher, or maybe the old Thunderbirds show
• Our heroes “floating” in space, obviously suspended by wires
• The titular green slime – gooey blobs brought to life by air bladders and the type of reverse film effect usually reserved for such high art as the Purina Cat Chow commercials

When we finally see the creatures that are spawned by the green slime, they’re revealed to be rubber-suited, hulking green beings who walk upright, have wavy tentacles and a giant red eye, and sound like baby ducklings stuck in an echo chamber.

If the effects aren’t bad enough to torpedo The Green Slime, other aspects of the film provide additional ammo to sink it:

• A ridiculous script with lines like, “Since that’s the way it is, let’s be sure that’s the way it is.”
• Random goofs, such as a gaping wound in Jack’s arm that mysteriously disappears (or rapidly heals) by the next scene later in the day
• Realizing they can’t shoot the aliens for fear of their spilled blood turning into more aliens, the crew resorts to – I’m not making this up – shoving hospital beds at the creatures and throwing helmets at them. (After that, they break out the heavy artillery: flashlights and flood lamps.)

The Green Slime was shot in Tokyo by Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku, who knew very little English and relied on a translator to give direction (many of the extras were American GIs from local military bases). It’s hard to believe he would go from directing this debacle to helming the Japanese sequences of the highly acclaimed Pearl Harbor film Tora! Tora! Tora! the very next year, after legendary Japanese director Akira Kurosawa was fired. Fukasaku also went on to direct the cult classic (and precursor to The Hunger Games) Battle Royale.

There are good bad movies, and there are bad bad movies. Despite occasional moments of cheese-tastic hilarity, The Green Slime lands largely in the latter category.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Green Slime is rated G, but it’s a “’60s G” in that the newly created MPAA was less scrutinous about questionable content in its all-ages G rating. Several men are electrocuted to death by the alien creatures; one man falls to his demise, his head splatting blood on impact; and we see the tattered, electrocuted body of one victim. There are also a few profanities, including several “hells” and “bitch” (as in “complain”). Tweens and older is probably the appropriate age.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Highly doubtful. Even if she’s into watching bad movies for fun, there are better choices than The Green Slime.

Fall in love with the groovy, out-of-place, deliciously awful theme song:

The Green Slime
* Director: Kinji Fukasaku
* Screenwriters: Bill Finger, Tom Rowe, Charles Sinclair
* Stars: Robert Horton, Richard Jaeckel, Luciana Paluzzi, Bud Widom, Ted Gunther
* MPAA Rating: G

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

IT’S OFFICIAL: I have a new favorite bad movie.

I had heard about Santa Claus Conquers the Martians over the years, but it wasn’t until I watched it last week with Dash that I truly realized what I was missing.

Plot:

Martian leader Kimar (Leonard Hicks) is upset his children spend so much time watching TV shows from Earth singing the praises of Santa Claus (John Call), so he leads a group of Martians to Earth to kidnap Santa and take him to Mars. In their travels, they abduct two children who lead the aliens to Santa, whom they kidnap as well. Will Santa and his two little Earthling friends be stuck on Mars forever? Will it be a year without a Santa Claus? (Oh wait, that’s another story.)

Critique:

It’s hard to believe the same year that gave us Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer also gave us Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It’s an exceptionally poor film in many – check that, all – respects, but one that provides unintentional laughs and even an odd sense of warmth in its desire to please.

Regarding the title: “Conquers” is a bit of an overstatement – frankly, Santa doesn’t do jack in terms of overthrowing the Martians (and he’s pretty blasé after Kimar tells him he won’t be returning to Earth). The conquering lies more in the hands of Billy (Victor Siles) and Betty (Donna Conforti), the kids the Martians abduct while searching Earth for Santa.

There’s not enough room to list all the things wrong with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but here’s a sample of some of the biggies:

• The pitiful lighting: Were the filmmakers just cheap, or were they deliberately trying to conceal the flimsiness of the sets?
• The cornball dialogue by everyone involved, such as a news announcer declaring, “Mrs. Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians” and Billy telling the leader, “You’ll never get a way with this, you…you…Martian!”
• When the Martian’s ship is spotted in the sky by the US military, we’re treated to extended stock footage of military command centers and Air Force pilots jumping into fighter planes (the same footage was used at the beginning of Dr. Strangelove – also released in 1964!)
• A “polar bear” that chases Billy and Betty at the North Pole is obviously a man in a polar bear suit, to the point that he stands upright and casually walks out of frame as the scene ends
• There are actually typos in the movie: One in the opening credits (“Custume Designer”) and another in a newspaper headline (see right)
• The please-make-it-stop theme song, “Hooray for Santy Claus,” is played over the opening and closing credits and sung by then-child-actor Pia Zadora, who also plays one of the Martian children (her first movie role) 

While some films claim to be the worst movie ever made, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians truly delivers the goods in terms of sheer awfulness. And though it may be a lump of coal in the stocking of cinema, it provides plenty of opportunities to laugh at its ineptitude, especially when viewed in a group environment. (In that sense, I’m shocked it hasn’t gained a stronger cult following during the holidays.)

By watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians last week with Dash, and showing him how to enjoy a truly bad movie, Christmas did indeed come early this year.

Tidbits:
* Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was shot on Long Island, New York, mostly with Broadway actors who never appeared in films again.
* “Hooray for Santy Claus” was written by Milton DeLugg, who went on to become the leader of the house band for TV’s The Gong Show in the late 1970s. (He was composing music for the game show What’s My Line? during filming of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.)
* Producer Joseph E. Levine also produced another holiday-themed kids’ film in the ‘60s: 1967’s Mad Monster Party.

Rating:

What did Dash think?

Initially, it took some egging for him to put up with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but once he saw me laughing at the bad special effects and adding my own lines to the cheesy dialogue, he joined in the fun and we made a sport of it. More than once, the told me with a smile that “this is probably the worst movie ever made.”

Is it suitable for your kids?

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is essentially harmless, but there a couple of scenes that wee ones (read: toddlers) might find frightening: a Martian commands a six-foot-tall robot to crush Billy and Betty with his arms, and the “polar bear” chases the kids into a cave at the North Pole. There’s also some Martian-on-Martian fisticuffs (can’t they all just get along?).

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

If she enjoys so-bad-it’s-good movies, she’s in for a treat with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Here’s a chance to make it a new holiday tradition for your family.

“Now, fat man, you’ll witness the firepower of this fully operational soundstage!”

(You’re welcome, fellow nerds…and Merry Christmas.)

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
* Director: Nicholas Webster
* Screenwriter: Glenville Mareth
* Stars: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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The Legend of God’s Gun (2007)

THE BACK OF THE DVD BOX for The Legend of God’s Gun declares the film to be (their caps) “A GRINDHOUSE ROCK-N-ROLL SPAGHETTI WESTERN!!!”

Well, any movie that tries to fit itself into that many hip genres automatically gets me suspicious – suspicious that the film will try too hard (or not hard enough) to meld all those film styles into one cohesive, enjoyable film.

Plot:
Something about an avenging, gun-toting preacher (Bobby Bones), a reluctant sheriff (Mike Bruce), and a goofy bandito named El Sobero (Kirkpatrick Thomas).

Critique:

The Legend of God’s Gun incorporates a lot of the elements from the grindhouse and spaghetti western genres: bad, jumpy cuts and quick zooms; grainy, washed-out footage; bad looping of dialogue; acting that feels like everything was a first take; a tinny, mono soundtrack; and abundant use of a split-screen.

But while it’s kitschy and fun to watch older grindhouse and spaghetti western movies today, everything about The Legend of God’s Gun quickly feels like less of an homage and more of a gimmick.

Even the worst flicks from those two genres have a basic premise to hook the viewer. Writer/director Mike Bruce (also starring as the aforementioned sheriff) should’ve been less concerned about paying tribute to his favorite genres and more focused on a linear, compelling story.

Despite cool poster art and a great tagline (“You are about to leave this earth with many regrets”), The Legend of God’s Gun is a chore to sit through. Even at only 79 minutes, it will frustrate the most die-hard grindhouse and spaghetti western fans. And with most of the cast being rock stars by trade (from bands such as Brian Jonestown Massacre, Spindrift, and The Morlocks), it adds fuel to the argument that musicians make bad actors.

I’m fully aware that The Legend of God’s Gun is an independent film, and with that can come sacrifices in budget and production value. But that’s no excuse for the dips in quality that plague it. At times, it feels less like an independent movie and more like an experimental student film.

The Legend of God’s Gun achieves a dubious double-whammy: It manages to both overshoot and undershoot in its attempts to honor two classic genres – and in the end delivers an unwatchable film.

Rating:

Will your kids want to watch it?

I’d say keep children away from The Legend of God’s Gun – not because of its objectionable content, but because it’s a horrible film. On the subject of the former: multiple shootings, adult language, a scene of necrophilia, Colt and some lady friends get high in an opium den, and a brief glimpse of bouncing boobs.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Do not let her watch this film, even if she thinks she wants to.

I wish a had a pencil-thin mustache…

The Legend of God’s Gun
• Director: Mike Bruce
• Screenwriter: Mike Bruce
• Stars: Bobby Bones, Kirkpatrick Thomas, Mike Bruce, Julie Patterson, Scott Dyeswell
• MPAA Rating: N/A


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