A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

OFFICES OF RAPID HEART PICTURES, BURBANK, CA – SUMMER 2012

“Mornin’, Sam.”
“Mornin’, Ralph.”
“Listen, Sam, we’ve done great with our line of Z-grade, homoerotic horror films, but I think we need to broaden our audience. Let’s make a family-friendly kids film.”
“Sure. What’d you have in mind?”
“A Talking Cat!?!”
“A talking cat? Where?!”
“No, no – let’s make a movie about a talking cat.”
“You had me at ‘let’s make a movie.’”
“By the way, A Talking Cat!?! is also the title.”
“We’re going to call a movie about a talking cat A Talking Cat!?!”
“Yep. That’s two exclamation points and one question mark. To emphasize the wackiness.”
“How about two question marks and one exclamation point?”
“C’mon, Sam, that’d just look stupid.”
“Don’t you think we should try and call it something remotely clever or cute, like Cat Got Your Tongue or Kitten Caboodle? Y’know, so it looks like we put an ounce of thought behind it?”
“Nah. A Talking Cat!?! is direct, honest. Parents look for that in movies for their kids.”
“So what’s the plot?”
“I dunno. Something simple that’s been done a hundred times over. How about two families who need to be brought together for some happy-ending reason…but with a talking cat.”
“Works for me. What about the cast?”
“Get a handful of some marginally competent teen actors. It doesn’t matter if they can actually act…kids who watch this won’t care.”
“Done.”
“We also need some actors to keep the parents’ attention. Get some young actors from the ‘70s to play the adults. For the dad, let’s get the kid from Sigmund and the Sea Monster.”
“You mean Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.”
“No, I think it’s Monster.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s Monsters. Y’know, a quick Google search could settle this…”
“No time. Just make sure it’s correct on the box.”
“You got it.”
“For the female lead, get that girl-next-door cutie from Meatballs. The blonde.”
“Yeah, she was cute. Those eyes. That smile…”
“Focus, Sam.”
“Hey, speaking of Meatballs, you think Bill Murray would do a cameo?”
“[blank stare]”
“Right. Never mind.”
“Finally, we need someone to voice the cat. And that someone is Eric Roberts.”
“Eric Roberts?”
“Yeah. We can get him, cheap. He owes us for not talking about that thing…you know…”
“Oh yeah…that thing…”
“Mmm-hmm. But don’t have him talk like a fun-loving cat. Have him talk kinda like a smarmy robot. Kids love robots.”
“A smarmy…robot…”
“And make sure his voiceover sounds good. Whatever you do, don’t make it sound like he recorded his lines using a rolled-up paper megaphone while standing in a large bathroom.”
“Question: How will we make the cat’s mouth move without spending a fortune?”
“No sweat. My nephew’s a whiz with Microsoft Paint. I’ll buy him a six-pack of Red Bull, and he’ll make us an animated black hole for the cat’s mouth. In no way will it look like a pulsating black diamond with complete disregard to the actual words Roberts is saying.”
“Great.”
“Also, work the story so the cat can only talk to each human once. It’ll cut down on the cost of the effects.”
“But…”
“Every penny counts, Sam.”
“Uh-huh. Well, what about a director? Who’s gonna helm this masterpiece?”
“Let’s get David to do it.”
“David DeCoteau, the guy who runs this place?”
“Yeah. He got his start with Roger Corman, so some of that has to rub off, right? At least we know he’ll bring it in under budget.”
“After directing stuff like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Test Tube Teens From the Year 2000, a flick about a talking cat should be no-brainer.”
“Exactly. Oh, and he might use the pseudonym Mary Crawford. It’s his…thing.”
“I wish I had a ‘thing.’ Should we scout locations?”
“Nah. Let’s just use the same mansion from our 1313 films.”
“That was easy. What about the music score?”
“Let’s get the guy who scores all the other films for Rapid Heart: Henry Mancini!”
“Henry Mancini’s dead. I think you mean Harry Manfredini.”
“Yeah, that guy. Did you know he scored all the Friday the 13th movies?”
“Yes. Yes he did.”
“For the trailer, here’s what I’m thinking…”

“Um, okay.”
“Make sure to use Comic Sans for the title cards. It screams ‘professional filmmaking.’”
“Plus, the kids will love it.”
“Exactly. And make sure you show the cat’s butthole in close-up at least once. Kids will think that’s hysterical and they’ll talk about it for days.”

A TALKING CAT!?! DVD RELEASE – FEBRUARY 2013

“Sam! Look at the buzz for A Talking Cat!?! It’s a hit!”
“Uh, don’t know if those reviews qualify it as a hit: ‘I swear my 10-year-old could make this film on her video camera.’ ‘The cat's acting is all thanks to a laser pointer that is clearly visible.’ ‘This is awesomely bad.’ Ralph, did we really screen A Talking Cat!?! at the Wisconsin Transgender Film Extravaganza?”
“Who cares? The point is, people are talking about this film: on the world wide web, the blogosphere, even in those social mediums. You know what I’m thinking?”
“No. What?”
“Two words: Talking. Pony.”

“Oh God.”
“I smell franchiiiiiise!!!”
“I sure smell something.”

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

Recently, FilmBoy’s been a bit of a connoisseur of bad movies. So it means a lot when he says of A Talking Cat!?!, “It makes Ratatoing look like a masterpiece.”

 Is it suitable for your kids?

Aside from its inherent existence, there’s nothing inappropriate with A Talking Cat!?! Two teen siblings exchange insults such as “shut it,” “I hate you,” “loser,” and “nerd,” but that’s about it.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

If she does, tell her some of these quotes from my FilmMother. She told FilmBoy, “Your brother’s the smartest one in this family: He’s not watching this.” Then at the end, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I’m ever gonna forgive you for that one.” And she’s a cat person.

Oh my God...that's what our dailies look like!?!

A Talking Cat!?!
* Director: David DeCoteau (as Mary Crawford)
* Screenwriter: Andrew Helm
* Stars: Kristine DeBell, Johnny Whitaker, Eric Roberts, Alison Sieke
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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