Junior High Spy (2012)

PUT OFF BY the high-quality entertainment and production value of Spy Kids and Agent Cody Banks? Have we got a movie for YOU!

Junior high student Ricky (Christopher Lazlo) is a budding secret agent in training, thanks to the support of his FBI father, Richard (Harry Edison). But when his dad is kidnapped by Very Bad Men and the FBI’s leads dry up, Ricky enlists the help of his whiz-kid friend Jack (Matthew Downs) to help him track down the bad guys and bring his dad home.

Despite the fact that Junior High Spy is centered around the American-based FBI, the film is obviously a Canadian production – from the unmistakable accent (they talk aboot Ricky’s dad being held hostage in a big hoose, eh?) to the maple leaf flag displayed on the speedboat where the bad guys knock Ricky out and abduct his dad.


This is obviously an independent feature with a limited budget, but the filmmakers should’ve squeezed out a few extra bucks for acting lessons. The kid actors’ wooden, unconvincing performances are fittingly on par with a junior high play, and the adult actors aren’t much better.


The script by Barry Cowan is solid – it’s the execution that comes up short. Flat delivery of lines, uneven pacing, odd editing, and long stretches where nothing happens to advance the story or character development. And despite an abundance of FBI agents and Very Bad Men, not one gun in sight. (Oh, those polite Canadians and their wacky gun control laws!)

Even at just 87 minutes, Junior High Spy is stuffed with gobs of filler – mostly consisting of Ricky patrolling the mansion grounds on his ATV or cheesecake footage of teenager Kate (Jessica Ducharme) strolling the hillsides in a bikini top and short-shorts. In addition, the musical score consists of exactly four themes, repeated ad nauseum: there’s Main Titles Theme, Investigation Theme, Suspense Theme, and Action Theme.

Halfway through Junior High Spy, FilmBoy and I started talking back to the screen at all the ridiculousness. The stiff performances, the “oh no, not again” recurrence of the film’s limited soundtrack, the unconvincing fight scenes…they all provided fodder for us to make goofy comments and turn the experience from brutally painful to barely tolerable.

Released by independent studio Skylight Films and distributed by Inception Media Group, Junior High Spy eventually reaches its happy ending, but leaves the door open for a sequel. One can only hope!*

*That it never happens.

aka Ricky Lazio Jr., FBI.

Rating:

Normally a movie like this would rate 1 star,

but for unintentional entertainment value, it gets:

What did FilmBoy think?

“Okay. It was good. It wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen.” The repetition of the same four soundtrack themes did start to get on his nerves. He also thought it was hysterical the way the Canadian cast says “house” (“hoose”); the fact that it’s said repeatedly by Ricky only made it funnier.

Is it suitable for your kids?

Language: Mentions of “butt,” “dummy,” and “perv.”
Violence: There are several fight scenes, mostly involving martial arts. No bloodshed or deaths.
Adult situations: Kate is seen in various skimpy clothing and bikinis; Ricky shares a kiss with Kate’s younger sister, Kylie (Mikayla Ottonello). The antics of 12-year-old Jack are sometimes uncomfortable: He describes Kate as “definitely hot,” comments on her “heavenly body,” literally pants over her in one scene, and tries to sneak a glass of wine at a swank party at the mansion. There’s brief mention of the bad guys being involved in “smuggling,” though it’s never made clear exactly what they’re smuggling.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Can’t think of one reason why she would.

Let's go to work.
(While being mindful of child labor laws.)

Junior High Spy
* Directors: Mark McNabb, Kelly Rae Irwin
* Screenwriter: Barry Cowan
* Stars: Christopher Fazio, Mikayla Ottonello, Matthew Downs, Harry Edison, Dorothy Downs, Jessica Ducharme
* MPAA Rating: N/A



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Cars 2 (2011)

I’M SURE I’M NOT ALONE when I say I have two boys under the age of ten who love Pixar’s 2006 release Cars. It’s a near-perfect match for young boys: A cartoon movie about talking cars, fast races, and the true meaning of loyalty and friendship. (And to my wife’s satisfaction, the meanest villain is merely an obnoxious cheater.)

So when Dash heard there was going to be a Cars 2, we knew we’d be going to see it the moment it hit theaters. It’s Pixar, they’re characters our family loves, and it’s based on Pixar’s most kid-friendly film. It’s bound to be great, right?

Right?

Plot:
Star racecar Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) and his best friend, tow truck Mater (Larry the Cable Guy), head overseas to compete in the first-ever World Grand Prix. But the road to the championship is filled with potholes, detours, and surprises when Mater gets caught up in an intriguing adventure of his own: international espionage. Torn between assisting Lightning McQueen in the high-profile races and being part of a top-secret spy mission, Mater's journey leads him on explosive chases through the streets of Japan and Europe, trailed by his friends and watched by the whole world.

Critique:

In various interviews, Cars 2 director (and Pixar co-founder and Disney/Pixar Chief Creative Officer) John Lassetter has said he wanted to do something completely different with this sequel compared to the original.

And therein lies the problem.

Cars 2 is far removed from what made the original so endearing (even if Cars is basically Doc Hollywood with wheels). Cars 2 is driven entirely by plot, not character – the complete antithesis of any Pixar film that came before it. To make matters worse, the plot (a battle of alternative fuel vs. oil) is far too complex and adult-centric for children to follow, much less care about.

In terms of characters, the old gang from Radiator Springs is back, but almost incidentally: Luigi, Guido, Fillmore, and Sarge join the adventure, but we only see the rest of the gang at the beginning and end of the film. Development of the main characters is also at a minimum: There are occasional hints at the special friendship of McQueen and Mater, but the sentiment quickly vanishes and we’re off to the races again (literally).

Then there’s the noise factor. While it’s expected that McQueen’s three big races will have loud engines, screeching tires, and an occasional crash, the remainder of Cars 2 is flooded with booming explosions, unrelenting action, and extended scenes of bullet-spraying violence.

The screenplay by first-time Pixar scribe (and second-time feature film writer) Ben Queen feels like it was commissioned rather than crafted. There’s near-zero character depth, and jokes often feel like they’re pulled from a sitcom, relying too often on toilet humor and double entendre.

On the plus side: In true Pixar fashion, Cars 2 is visually gorgeous, especially the Tokyo segment. There are grown-up jokes about VIN numbers, Japanese culture, and airport security that hit the mark. And the idea that all the villain cars are discontinued lemons (Pacer, Gremlin, etc.) is inspired.

Unlike Pixar’s previous, moving films like Toy Story 3, Up, and WALL-E, not one tear will be shed by anyone while watching Cars 2…except maybe tears of sadness for how badly Pixar has stumbled with this entry (which unfortunately comes out as the company celebrates its 25th anniversary).

Taking into account Lassetter’s unabashed love of cars and what makes them go vroom, Cars 2 comes off as a pet project by the boss that no one dared question in terms of its unoriginal storytelling, lack of character development, convoluted plot, and inappropriateness for children.

It’s been five years since Lassetter directed the original Cars, and a dozen years since his previous Pixar directing gig, Toy Story 2. In that time, it seems he’s either losing his touch as a director...or has lost touch with what audiences want from a Pixar film.

Rating:

What did Dash and Jack-Jack think?

Sitting through Cars 2 is an exhausting experience for filmgoers of any age, but especially for kids. Dash and Jack-Jack were restless and fidgety by the end of the second act; the endless onslaught of car chases, gunfire, and explosions simply drained them. Also, like the original Cars, this sequel clocks in at nearly 2 hours – way too long for the attention span of children.

Is it suitable for your kids?

It’s unfathomable how Cars 2 received a G rating by the MPAA. It contains even more intense action and violence than Pixar’s PG-rated The Incredibles. Nearly every car involved in espionage fires a gun, and many of the shootouts are excessive; also, several cars are tortured and killed.
In addition to the scatological humor, there’s other questionable language including threats of violence (“Lightning McQueen must be killed,” “I’m gonna make sure you stay dead”), sexually suggestive insults (“Your mother,” “Your sister”), and in the Tokyo segment, Mater hits a gong and declares, “Bang a gong, get it on!”

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

If she’s looking for the sentiment and fun from the original Cars in this sequel, she’ll be highly disappointed.

Vee have vays uff making you like zis movie...

Cars 2
* Director: John Lassetter
* Screenwriter: Ben Queen
* Stars: Owen Wilson, Larry the Cable Guy, Michael Caine, Emily Mortimer, John Turturro, Eddie Izzard
* MPAA Rating: G


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The Spy Next Door (2010)

(The inductee I promised for Trashterpiece Theatre will appear as my next review; I first promised the people behind this film that I’d have a review up by the end of this week.)

IT’S SAFE TO SAY THAT I will never be mistaken for the world’s biggest Jackie Chan fan.

That doesn’t mean I don’t like the man or his movies; I just haven’t seen much of his work. His Shanghai films with Owen Wilson and his Rush Hour trilogy with Chris Tucker passed me by (I’ve been busy raising a family and all that), and I’ve been meaning to get to his supposedly classic Drunken Master films but haven’t done so yet. In fact, my only exposure to Chan on film is his brief cameo in Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon and his completely non-English role in The Cannonball Run, a movie I watched numerous times on HBO as a kid.

Which brings us to Chan’s latest US film (until his Karate Kid remake with Jaden Smith hits theaters next month), The Spy Next Door…

Plot:

Bob Ho (Chan) has been dating his neighbor, single mom Jillian (Amber Valletta) – much to the chagrin of her three kids: 13-year-old Farren (Madeline Carroll), 7-year-old Ian (Will Shadley), and 4-year-old Nora (Alina Foley). They see Bob as a square with an equally lame job as a pen importer. But what Jillian and the kids don’t know is that Bob is actually an international spy, who’s planning to retire after his latest mission, in which he succeeds in capturing Russian baddie Poldark (Magnus Scheving).

When Jillian must leave town to care for her hospitalized father, she puts Bob in charge of her kids – again, much to their chagrin. While the kids are creating all sorts of mayhem to drive Bob crazy, Poldark escapes from custody and plans to destroy the world’s oil supply – causing Bob’s partner at CIA headquarters, Colt (Billy Ray Cyrus) to ask Bob to help with the case for old time’s sake. Bob agrees and tells Colt to send him secret codes linked to Poldark’s oil-destroying formula, but Ian downloads them from Bob's computer to his iPod, thinking they’re files to a rare bootlegged concert. Poldark sends his men to find Bob and the downloaded codes, leaving Bob to run (and fight) for his life, as well as those of the kids.

Critique:

I find it baffling that The Spy Next Door is not a Disney creation (it was released by Lionsgate), because it feels a great deal like one – as if it could be one of those made-for-Disney-Channel films featuring some of the Mouse House’s up-and-rising tween stars (Ian even makes a Selena Gomez reference).

Much of the dialogue and its delivery are tough to sit through, especially some of the lines coming from the kids. The script (which required three screenwriters) feeds the kids forced jokes with references that no kids their ages would say in real life (especially the overabundance of stilted one-liners given to Shadley; sorry, bud).

Moving from dialogue to dialect: Scheving’s Russian accent for Poldark, as well Katherine Boecher’s as femme fatale Tatiana, are woefully cartoonish. I mean, I half expected Boris and Natasha to show up as co-conspirators.

In terms of the cast: I’m surprised Chan’s struggle with articulate English hasn’t improved in the last 30 years. (Even Schwarzenegger honed his chops over time.) Still, it’s truly amazing to see 55-year-old Chan move during the action sequences (which prompted me to put his two Drunken Master films in my Netflix queue before I began this review). Cyrus does fine as Chan’s sidekick, with his down-home euphemisms and analogies. And Carroll (who’s already an acting veteran at age 14) outperforms Chan and rises above the material on several occasions.

Since my boys are the same age as Ian and Nora, I can appreciate Spy on a certain level. In fact, part of me applauds Bob for putting spy cameras around the house and sticking a tracking device on Nora. And I did laugh at a sequence where Farren and Ian feed Nora spoonfuls of sugar to keep her wired and awake at night in an attempt to drive Bob crazy.

Yet as a dad, I take umbrage with some of the basic, clichéd situations in Spy concerning men and children. Hey, look: It’s a man who can’t cook! And he’s bad with disciplining the kids! It also seems a bit odd that wacky, upbeat music accompanies a scene where Bob loses 4-year-old Nora in a shopping mall. I know this is a comedy, but I defy you to show me a parent who thinks losing their child in a mall would be funny.

Truthfully, I was fighting to stay invested with The Spy Next Door for most of the first hour. But then, a strange thing happened around the 60-minute mark: I realized that the movie wasn’t made for me – it was made for an audience the same age as the kids in the film, or at least the two older ones. Once I used that as a barometer, the rest of Spy became more enjoyable. (The fact that director Brian Levant turns up the action in the third act, highlighting Chan’s degree in ass-kickery, also probably helped.) Yes, I did end up smirking or snickering at a few jokes. And dammit if I didn’t get a little emotionally involved in a scene where the kids may never see Bob again.

I wouldn’t recommend The Spy Next Door as something to watch by yourself or with your significant other. But watch it with the right audience (say, 9- to 12-year-olds), and a fun movie experience could very well take place.

Rating:

For grown-ups:

For tweens:

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Spy Next Door is rated PG for “action violence and mild rude humor,” a rating which seems appropriate. Here are some examples:
* Gunplay, knifeplay, and fisticuffs
* Mild language (“Don’t B.S. me.”)
* Random name-calling of “nerd,” “geekboy,” and “dork”
* Jokes involving bodily functions and booze (1 each)
* Some mild bullying (resulting in Ian getting a wedgie)
* Poldark sends Tatiana to the kids’ house and demands that there be “no survivors”
* Tatiana spits out teeth after being smacked with a closing door

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

I can’t imagine the appeal The Spy Next Door would have for her as something to watch with you or in her own free time. But like I said, a group viewing with tween-age kids could be fun.

Look, I don't care which one of you did it --
just take down that butt-ugly painting right now!

The Spy Next Door
* Director: Brian Levant
* Screenwriters: Jonathan Bernstein, James Greer, Gregory Poirier
* Stars: Jackie Chan, Amber Valletta, Billy Ray Cyrus, Magnus Scheving, George Lopez, Madeline Carroll, Will Shadley, Alina Foley
* MPAA Rating: PG (scenes of action violence and mild rude humor)



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