Master of the Flying Guillotine (1975)

FOLLOWING THE MASSIVE SUCCESS of Bruce Lee’s Enter The Dragon in 1973, the remainder of the decade saw an explosion of kung fu films come out of Hong Kong. These films played in theaters and drive-ins across America during the ‘70s, then landed airtime on American TV in the ‘80s thanks to programs like USA Network’s Kung Fu Theatre:


In the new millennium, I once again found ‘70s kung fu films on TV, this time on a local independent TV station. And it was there, amongst the largely awful glut of these films, that I was introduced to the superior Master of the Flying Guillotine.

Plot:
• In 1730 China, an elderly blind follower of the Ming Dynasty (Kang Kam) vows revenge for the deaths of his two disciples by a one-armed revolutionary and martial arts teacher (Jimmy Wang Yu). The blind man’s weapon of vengeance: the flying guillotine (think a giant yo-yo with a beekeeper’s hat at the end, but with buzzsaw-like teeth lining the inside).
• Meanwhile, a local martial arts school is having an open-invitation kung fu tournament. Martial artists from all over the world enter the tournament (much like Enter the Dragon), including an Indian with extendable arms and a guy who’ll literally whip your ass with his extra-long ponytail.
• Add to this mix a cocky but skilled Thai fighter who eventually sides with the vengeful blind man, and you have several engaging story paths coming to a head (a little guillotine humor there).

Critique:
Let me start by saying this about Master of the Flying Guillotine: Citizen Kane it ain’t. Guillotine suffers many of the same clichéd flaws of other ‘70s kung fu movies: poor dubbing, comically exaggerated sound effects, superhuman feats like walking on walls and leaping to ridiculous heights, and so on. (To be fair, wall-walking and super-jumping can also be seen in more recent, respected martial arts films such as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Ong-Bak.)

However, subjectively speaking, Master of the Flying Guillotine may very well be the Citizen Kane of ‘70s kung fu films, for several reasons:

• It has a decent plot, including a revenge theme (a favorite of mine).
• It features well-choreographed action by the legendary Lau Brothers.
• The beheading scenes featuring the flying guillotine are one part cool, one part hilarious.
• The martial arts tournament is crazy to witness; it plays like a rough blueprint for the Mortal Kombat video games and movies that came 20 years later.
• The film’s climax is a tense, clever, cat-and-mouse showdown in a coffin-maker’s shop.

Bottom line: In the cheesy, low-budge world of ‘70s kung fu, Master of the Flying Guillotine is a cut above the rest. Stop me before I pun again.

Original U.S. theatrical trailer:

Not to be confused with 1974’s supposedly awful The Flying Guillotine.

Did you know? Star Jimmy Wang Yu (who also wrote and directed Guillotine) has quite a colorful history:
• In 1981, he was charged with murder in Taiwan, but freed due to lack of evidence.
• In 1999, he refused to sign divorce papers for his second wife because he believed she was unfaithful. Instead, he organized a bust with police and caught his wife in bed with another man (a criminal offense under Taiwanese law).

Chinese, with dubbing/subtitles.

Rating: 3.5 stars (out of 5).

Will your kids want to watch it?

Despite the cheese factor, kids may think that the different martial artists in the tournament are pretty cool to watch, as if they sprung out of one of their video games. Still, people are impaled, beheaded, and beaten to death, so maybe hold off until your kids are able to view the violence as cartoonish and not traumatic.

Will your FilmMother like it?

I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who likes ‘70s kung fu movies, so I’m predicting this is one for when you’re alone or hanging with the guys.

Tiiiiickle, tickle-tickle-tickle...

Master of the Flying Guillotine
* Director: Jimmy Wang Yu
* Screenwriter: Jimmy Wang Yu
* Stars: Jimmy Wang Yu, Kam Kang, Tsim Po Sham, Chung-erh Lung, Pai Cheng Hau
* MPAA Rating: R (graphic violence)


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The Lion King 1½ (2004)

I’M NOT A FAN OF direct-to-video movies. Whether it’s true or not, the perception is that they are less than great and weren’t worthy of big-screen releases.

So when my wife brought home a copy of The Lion King 1½ from our local Once Upon a Child, I wasn’t exactly pumped to watch it. But since Dash wound up watching it every day for a whole week, I figured I should check it out.

Plot:
• We open with Timon (Nathan Lane) and Pumbaa (Ernie Sabella) in background silhouette in a screening room, a la Mystery Science Theater 3000. They’re watching the original Lion King, when Timon announces that it needs more of them in it – so they go “way back, to before the beginning” to tell the story of how he and Pumbaa first met…
• Timon is the black sheep of his meerkat community – accidentally collapsing tunnels being dug by his fellow brethren, botching his turn at sentry duty and letting hyenas run wild on the meerkat terrain, etc.
• Frustrated with the limits of his meager meerkat surroundings (and urged by his mother, The Simpsons’ Julie Kavner), Timon sets out to find his place in the world.
• In his travels, he runs into Pumbaa, and together they head to a patch of paradise just on the other side of Pride Rock (or “the big pointy rock,” as they call it).
• Along the way, they insert themselves, Forrest Gump-like, into events from the original Lion King: the birth of Simba, a couple of musical numbers, the elephant graveyard, the wildebeest stampede, etc.
• After reaching their paradise hideaway, they save Simba from dying in the desert after he fled the aftermath of the original Lion King’s wildebeest stampede. It’s at this point that The Lion King 1½ syncs up with the original film.
• Timon and Pumbaa continue telling their story in narration mode, with several humorous interruptions along the way.

Critique:
• Kudos to Disney for bringing back all of the original performers from the original Lion King for The Lion King 1½ – including Lane, Sabella, Matthew Broderick (Simba), Robert Guillaume (Rafiki), Moira Kelly (Nala), Whoopi Goldberg (Shenzi), Cheech Marin (Banzai), and Jim Cummings (Ed). The film even features new music by Elton John and Tim Rice.
• The animation is surprisingly good – very fluid and seamless, much like theatrical Disney releases.
• There are several in-jokes based on Lion King lore, including two of my favorites:
1) When Timon and Pumbaa pass Simba’s birth ceremony at Pride Rock, Pumbaa asks about Rafiki, “What’s he holding up?” Timon: “Eh, it’s not important.”
2) When an ominous cloud rolls across the night sky, Timon says, “C’mon Pumbaa, let’s go, that cloud’s really coming to a head.” As they turn away, Mufasa’s likeness appears in the cloud.
• The Lion King 1½ won a 2004 Annie Award for Best Home Entertainment Production – beating out, among others, Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster.
• There are also fun references to classic Disney characters and songs (with a final scene that has to be seen to be believed), plus pretty funny homages to Fiddler on the Roof, Apocalypse Now, and The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Though my interest tapered near the end, The Lion King 1½ was a solid, fun, watchable film. Direct-to-video releases have been spared my wrath…for now.

Rating: 3 stars (out of 5).

What did Dash think?

Like I said at the beginning, my wife bought it one weekend, Dash watched it every day after school for a week, and then still wanted to watch it with me the following weekend. I think it’s safe to say he liked it.

Will your kids like it?

I’d say yes, if Dash is any indication. Even his 3-year-old little brother couldn’t get enough of it. There wasn’t anything scary or too intense for either of them. (Scatological alert: There is a running gag of Pumbaa’s chronic flatulence, and all the jokes that come with it.)

Will your FilmMother like it?

My FilmMother liked The Lion King 1½ because it was “cute and harmless” – which, coincidentally, are the opening words of the latest user comment for The Lion King 1½ at the Internet Movie Database.

In the jungle, you can't blame the dog.

The Lion King 1½
* Director: Bradley Raymond
* Screenwriter: Tom Rogers
* Stars: Nathan Lane, Ernie Sabella, Julie Kavner, Jerry Stiller, Matthew Broderick, Robert Guillaume, Moira Kelly, Whoopi Goldberg, Cheech Marin, Jim Cummings
* MPAA Rating: G


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Meme: Top 10 Favorite Film Characters

SEEMS I'VE BEEN roped in by KeegsMom at Kids’ Flix to participate in a meme. The topic? My 10 favorite film characters. Not actors…characters. I’m supposed to name them, briefly explain why they’re on my list, then tag 5 unsuspecting bloggers to do the exercise as well.

So without much ado or further adieu, I present my list in no particular order…

1. Major Calloway, The Third Man (1949)
Most people know The Third Man as “an Orson Welles movie” featuring his famous cuckoo-clock speech. Truth is, Welles didn’t direct it (Carol Reed did) and he doesn’t appear until the last 30 minutes. The true glue of The Third Man is Trevor Howard’s Major Calloway – a British officer overseeing the English-ruled section of post-WWII Vienna who is glad that Welles’ black marketer Harry Lime is dead (or is he?) following a car accident. Calloway’s dialogue is crisp, clever, and occasionally hilarious. Why Howard didn’t get an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor is beyond me.


2. Jonathan Mardukas, Midnight Run (1988)
Older fans know Charles Grodin from his string of ‘70s hits (The Heartbreak Kid, Heaven Can Wait, Seem Like Old Times), and younger ones probably only know him as the curmudgeonly host of his self-titled ‘90s CNBC talk show. But wedged in between was this pitch-perfect performance as a mob accountant dragged cross-country by bounty hunter Robert DeNiro. The hysterical (and largely ad-libbed) exchanges between DeNiro and Grodin are priceless and infectiously repeatable. I’ve been saying them for 20 years.


3. Jason Bourne, The Bourne Trilogy (2002-2007)
The action films that required others to smarten up or look glaringly stupid. Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne, an amnesia-stricken agent trying to find out who he is, has us pulling for him at every turn. These films, and his actions, stay on the safe side of preposterous, so viewers can say, “Wow, that was smart. I wouldn’t have thought of doing that.” If pressured, I’d pick The Bourne Supremacy as the best of the three, for its intelligent script, the riveting climactic car chase, and Bourne’s great last line of dialogue.


4. Clarence Boddicker, Robocop (1987)
They say appearances can be deceiving. Look no further than diminutive, bespectacled, balding Clarence Boddicker. Watch Robocop, and those descriptors turn to sleazy, ruthless, unpredictable…and highly entertaining. Kurtwood Smith’s Boddicker is one of the most underrated bad-asses of all time, and doubters should move past Robocop’s goofy title and get a glimpse of a truly villainous scumbag whom you can’t wait to see get his comeuppance. (My favorite scene is when Robocop loses his sh*t and reads Boddicker his rights while hurling him through multiple windows.) [Audio NSFW]


5. Quint, Jaws (1975)
There are too many reasons to list here, but Robert Shaw’s Quint is an essential primer on how to act in a supporting role (another Oscar travesty – Shaw didn’t even get a nomination). Quint’s Captain Ahab to the great white’s Moby Dick, his great dialogue (including the famous “USS Indianapolis” speech), and a screen presence you simply can’t ignore. It’s not all in his eyes, but they sure as hell play a large part.


6. Ed Wood, Ed Wood (1994)
This is the film that made me officially recognize Johnny Depp as the amazingly talented actor he is. Wood’s unbridled enthusiasm and confidence in anything he does is inspiring, endearing, and tragic. And in true Depp fashion, he immerses himself in Wood to the point that you forget you’re watching an actor at work and become wholly involved in the character. A better compliment probably can’t be paid.


7. Michael Corleone, The Godfather (1972)
Some people may say this is a lazy or obvious choice. Those people are invited to bite it. Watching Al Pacino’s slow, calculated transformation from the little kid brother (and non-mobster) of the Corleone family to its all-powerful don is something to behold.


8. Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver (1976)
I’ve never gone insane, but I’d guess this is pretty much what it would be like. Robert DeNiro’s portrayal of an alienated, cab-driving Vietnam vet in 1970s New York is a character study like no other. Bickle is disturbingly unforgettable for several reasons, one of which is his unpredictability: He’s a walking powder keg with an ever-shortening fuse – but since he doesn’t explode for most of the film, we’re forced to deal with the tension surrounding his spiral into madness. [Audio NSFW]


9. Jim Malone, The Untouchables (1987)
Another supporting role with highly quotable dialogue. Sean Connery was perfectly cast as Irish cop Jim Malone in Prohibition-era Chicago, hand-picked by Elliot Ness to help bring down Al Capone’s lucrative and popular illegal booze racket. Pick any of Malone’s scenes from David Mamet’s brilliant script: Malone telling Ness, in church, how to get Capone; Malone verbally testing rookie George Stone at the police academy; Malone “interrogating” a dead mobster to get a live one to talk. I’ll stop there. And unlike the aforementioned travesties of Howard and Shaw, Connery was nominated – and deservedly won – a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for this role.


10. The Stranger, High Plains Drifter (1973)
A nameless stranger rides into the small western town of Lago, and in the first 15 minutes he’s killed three men and raped the town tramp. Amazingly, the townsfolk then hire him to protect them from a returning trio of outlaws who have a score to settle with the town. Eastwood’s Stranger is an antihero for the ages, and High Plains Drifter is a dark morality tale that just happens to be a western. Once you begin to see the allegory unfold as to what (and where) Lago really is, it becomes all too clear who The Stranger embodies – an “avenging devil” who’s come to collect on the sins of the town’s past.


And now, I hereby tag the following blogmeisters to name their 10 favorite film characters:
The 21st Century Man
The B-Movie Film Vault BLOG!
Dinner with Max Jenke
Luke, I Am Your Father
The Moviezzz Blog

Release the hounds!

Bobbie Jo and The Outlaw (1976)

I DON’T HAVE a witty, topical lead-in to this review, except to say I watched Bobbie Jo and The Outlaw as a download from the now-defunct Cultra Rare Videos, which was a great place for free downloads of rare movies and movie trailers.
(UPDATE 2/22/12: Bobbie Jo and The Outlaw is now available for instant viewing at Netflix; see the link at the end of this post.)

Plot:
• Against a New Mexico landscape, we meet loner Lyle Wheeler (Marjoe Gortner) as he makes a fast buck winning a quick-draw contest.
• Later at a gas station, he steals a car and crashes it into a pursuing police vehicle, escaping in his hot ride while totaling the cop car.
• Lyle then pulls up at a drive-in diner and is served by Bobbie Jo (Lynda Carter). She lives with her widowed mom (Peggy Stewart), who gets on Bobbie Jo’s case about staying out late and “letting boys kiss her.”
• To feed her rebellion later that day, Bobbie Jo hops into Lyle’s stolen car as he sits in it, stalker-like, across the street from her house. Next thing we know, they’re walking arm in arm across a countryside, then sitting down as Bobbie Joe serenades Lyle – which leads to small talk and some sweet, sweet casual ‘70s lovemaking by the fire.
• After Lyle’s spotted driving the stolen car by a local cop, he and Bobbie Jo (along with Bobbie Jo’s friend Essie (Belinda Balaski)) go on the lam, seeking help from Bobbie Jo’s stripper sister Pearl (Merrie Lynn Ross) and her club’s cokehead owner, Slick (Jesse Vint).
• Help is the last thing they get from Slick, as he gets Lyle to try and help him steal a semi-truck, with Slick killing a security card in the process. Bobbie Jo, Lyle, Essie, Pearl, and Slick then wind up on the run as a group, pursued across the state by tobacky-chewin’, appropriately-named Sheriff Hicks (Gene Drew) – who vows to bring Lyle in, dead or alive.

Critique:
• Bobbie Jo and The Outlaw was directed by Mark L. Lester. If you don’t know him, you probably know his work – many guilty-pleasure, B-movie exploitation flicks, as well as high-profile films like Firestarter and Commando.
• Bobbie Jo was Carter’s film debut, and at times it shows. Her Southern twang comes and goes, and when somebody close to her is killed, her emotional delivery is subdued, to be generous. (Funny flub: When she’s paying for food at a grocery mart, she’s actually handing over the money before saying, “How much do I owe you?”) Still, it was weirdly entertaining watching the future Wonder Woman spout off profanities that would make Wonder Girl blush.
• The film’s big claim to fame/infamy is Carter’s topless scenes. To paraphrase the slogan of a certain spaghetti sauce, “They’re in there!” Actually, “it’s in there” would be more accurate, for her nude scenes are all, strangely, only her left breast in side profile. (Balaski obliges both boobs in an extended scene where Essie, Bobbie Jo, and Lyle are tripping on mushrooms in a pond.)
• The film features quite the twangy ‘70s country soundtrack, featuring Bobby Bare’s grating “Those City Lights” four times during the film. (If I never hear that song again, it’ll be too soon.)
• Bobbie Jo does follow the on-the-run framework of Bonnie & Clyde and the imitators that came in the 9 years between that film and this one. But here, it was hard to engage myself with what was going on. I felt a bit detached, despite all the gunplay and T&A (well, mostly T). By the time the movie picked up steam in the last 25 minutes, it was simply too little too late.

Rating: 2 stars (out of 5).

Will your kids want to see it?

Today's kids have probably never heard of this film, or even Carter’s late-‘70s stint as TV’s Wonder Woman. Still, keep children and young teens away from Bobbie Jo and The Outlaw: There’s boobs, drugs, and cussin’ a-plenty. Today’s high-school-age kids should be fine with what’s shown, but would probably wind up mocking the film anyway.

Will your FilmMother like it?

Only if she’s a fan of ‘70s exploitation, southern style. It’s not a very good movie, but unfortunately not bad enough to make watching it a spectator sport.

"Heh-heh, heh..."

Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw
* Director: Mark L. Lester
* Screenwriter: Vernon Zimmerman
* Stars: Marjoe Gortner, Lynda Carter, Belinda Balaski, Jesse Vint, Gene Drew, Merrie Lynn Ross
* MPAA Rating: R (nudity, adult situations and language, and violence)


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Dumbo (1941)

IF YOU READ OR HEAR anything about Dumbo, one of Disney’s first full-length animated films, it’s almost always heralded as a family classic.

Well, after watching Dumbo with Dash, I’m still trying to figure out what exactly makes this film a “family” classic. Because to me, it was the most jarring, depressing Disney film I’ve ever seen.

Now, before you flame me in the comments (do people still say “flame”?), let me present several examples to defend my statement that Dumbo is not the warm, fun family film everybody remembers it to be:

• The opening-scene trauma of a flock of storks dropping off babies to every animal at the circus – except Mrs. Jumbo, Dumbo’s future mama. (Realizing his mistake, the stork soon returns with a baby for her.)
• The group of cruel, gossipy lady elephants who talk viciously about Mrs. Jumbo and her newborn, especially after they see his enormous ears: “His disgrace is our own shame.” “I wouldn’t eat at the same bale of hay of him.” “Pretend you don’t see him.”
• Oh, by the way, “Dumbo” is a derogatory nickname given to him by one of the gossips, after he reveals his huge ears. (He had been previously named “Jumbo Jr.” by his mommy.)
• The incessant taunting and teasing of Dumbo by, well, everybody but his mother and Timothy Q. Mouse (Edward Brophy).
• Mrs. Jumbo is caged and labeled “MAD ELEPHANT” after (justifiably) rampaging and attacking a snotty circus-goer who teases Dumbo.
• Let’s not forget the extended sequence where Dumbo and Timothy get drunk on a bucket of water accidentally spiked with champagne, which includes them seeing pink elephants and other marching, dancing, shape-shifting creatures.
• The cigar-chomping, borderline-racist caricatures of the flock of crows (including one named, I kid you not, Jim Crow) who heckle Dumbo and Timothy after the duo wakes up in a tree following their drunken antics.
• The heartbreaking reunion between Mrs. Jumbo and Dumbo, where she can’t see him through her cage, but can only feel him with her trunk (cue “Baby Mine” and crying by anyone watching).

And to cap it all off, I’ll make a small request: Quick, think of Dumbo. What’s he doing? Flying, right. Well, guess what? He doesn’t fly until there’s less than 10 minutes left in the movie. Let me repeat that: The iconic image most people have of Dumbo is something he does with less than 10 minutes left in the film. In fact, Dumbo’s moment in the big-top spotlight showing off his flying skills happens with only three minutes to go!

It’s like another Disney classic, The Sword in the Stone, where the one image people remember is Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone – which (spoiler alert!) happens in the last 5 minutes of that movie.

Despite all my aforementioned bashing, there are some appealing aspects to Dumbo. The scenes where Mrs. Jumbo and Dumbo bond and play are endearing, and Timothy’s attempts to be his friend are humorous. And okay, the clown firemen bits were pretty funny, and they had Dash and I both laughing.

Look, I’m not saying Dumbo is an awful film. But if I’m rating it based on the fact that it’s viewed and cherished as a kid-friendly classic, then this pic about an airborne pachyderm should be grounded.

Post-script: When Timothy sees Dumbo fly, he realizes where Dumbo fits into the circus show: as the closing act. And he shouts, “Dumbo, you’re a climax!” I quickly had to turn my immature chuckle into a coughing fit to prevent having to explain why that line was so funny to Daddy.

Rating: 1.5 stars (out of 5).

What did Dash think?

Dash did seem to genuinely like Dumbo. He chuckled quite a bit during Timothy’s antics, and giggled several times at all the merriment during Dumbo and Timothy’s drunken stupor. He had some thoughts on the opening stork scene and Mrs. Jumbo (“Why didn’t a baby come for her?”), as well as the group of crows busting on Dumbo and Timothy (“I hate them”).

Will you FilmMother want to watch it?

For nostalgic reasons, probably. And again, Dumbo is not a bad film. To me, it’s just a bit dated in terms of what’s considered (to use a well-worn cliché) a film for the whole family.


Dumbo
* Director: Ben Sharpsteen
* Screenwriters: Joe Grant, Dick Huemer
* Stars: Verna Felton, Edward Brophy, Sterling Holloway, Noreen Gammill, Herman Bing
* MPAA Rating: G


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Rambo (2008)

I FELT COMPELLED to watch Rambo because of the polarized opinions I had read and heard. Critics lambasted it, while most guys I know said it was the bloodiest, most violent bit of fun they’d seen in a long, long time.

Plot:
• The country of Burma has endured decades of civil war (Rambo opens with real, horrific news footage of the civil unrest). The killing of monks, farmers, and families, plus the abduction of boys from those families, who are then forced by their captors to become soldiers.
• 20 years have passed since the last Rambo movie, the ridiculous (even by the series’ standards) Rambo III. We now find John Rambo in Thailand, living in some sort of shantytown village, catching cobras to sell at the local market.
• Rambo’s approached by a group from Christ’s Church of Colorado, who want him to take them up-river into Burma in his boat so they can provide relief and change to the oppressed people there. He declines, telling the group’s leader that, since the team is going in without weapons, they’re “not changing anything.”
• After some convincing by team member Sara (Julie Benz), Rambo agrees to take them into Burma. But once they reach their destination, Rambo is dismissed by the team’s leader, who says they’ll find another way back down the river.
• Soon after Rambo leaves, the village is attacked and completely decimated by Burmese militants. Nearly everyone is killed in brutal, unflinching displays, including women and children. Of the original relief team, only a handful of them (including Sara) survive and are captured.
• Back in Thailand, Rambo later learns that the team he took to Burma has been missing for 10 days. The church’s pastor asks Rambo to take a group of mercenaries to the spot where the team was dropped off, in hopes of locating them and bringing them back.

I won’t go into the rest of the plot, except to say that the mercenary team gets separated, and several of them are killed – giving Rambo the green light to release unholy hell on the Burmese militants.

Critique:
• It was satisfying to see Rambo as part of a unit, and not a one-man killing machine…well, up to a point, at least.
• There are several “DAMN!” moments of Rambo-ness: ripping out of throats…bodies flying onto land mines and back into the air as interchangeable parts…turning a soldier into hamburger at close range with a mounted gun turret…
• The abuse of the Burmese natives is hard to watch: Children are killed, women and a young boy are raped (albeit largely off-screen), and several natives are shown lynched or beheaded.
• The ending tacks on the sweeping music, long stares, and dips a bit into Velveeta.

Rambo is a slice of down-and-dirty, 77-minute mayhem (including an inexplicable 10 minutes of closing credits). At its core, it’s actually a pretty decent action yarn, with sympathetic characters, loathsome ones, and large amounts of brutal injustice to fill you with enough indignation to root for Rambo…and the chaotic bloodbath he unleashes.

In the end, I’m still torn as to how to rate Rambo:

Is it gratuitous? Yes.
Is it exploitative? Yes again.
Is it art? Hell no.
Is it manly, primal, and awesome? Yes. Yes it is.

Rating:
1 star
as a gratuitous, graphically brutal,
ultra-violent film with no artistic merit.
---
4 stars
as a manly, awesome, blow-‘em-up, kill-‘em-all movie.

Will your kids want to watch it?

Your kids probably know Rambo as an ‘80s icon (or punchline?), and their curiosity may be piqued with this new entry in the series. But no way in hell should they see this film. There’s so much mayhem and carnage happening on-screen, it’s hard to process at times. Definitely something to shield them from until high school, maybe even till they’re upperclassmen.

Will your FilmMother like it?

Highly, highly doubtful. Even if she thinks it’d be a kick to revisit Rambo on an ironic level, the level of realistic violence in Rambo is not for the faint of heart. If she still persists, you can’t say you (and I) didn’t warn her.

"I used to have a huge career. Now, it's about this big."

Rambo
* Director: Sylvester Stallone
* Screenwriter: Sylvester Stallone
* Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz, Ken Howard, Matthew Marsden
* MPAA Rating: R (strong graphic bloody violence, sexual assaults, grisly images and language)


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The Legend of Sasquatch (2006)

AS A CHILD OF THE '70S, I was privy to several pop-culture phenomena – one of the biggies being the fascination with Bigfoot, aka Sasquatch (the Loch Ness Monster was a close second). He was everywhere, from magazines to news reports to The Six Million Dollar Man to cheap-and-fast movies (one of which I confessed my fears about to the guys at Kindertrauma).

So when I saw there was a family film called The Legend of Sasquatch, I felt compelled – nay, obligated – to bring it home for Dash and I to watch.

Plot:
• Little Maggie and big sister Khristy (voiced by real-life sisters Blaire & Jewel Restaneo) fly with single parent Dad (William Hurt) to their new home – a cabin in the woods near a man-made dam where Dad will be working (Mom died recently, but we’re not told how). During the flight, Maggie wonders if they’ll see Bigfoot during their stay.
• One night, Maggie is woken by rustling outside her window, where she catches a fleeting glimpse of Baby Sasquatch hauling hairy butt after gathering pine cones.
• After a couple more nighttime near-misses, Maggie finally meets Baby Sasquatch after luring him into their storage shed with a trail of pine cones. She befriends Baby and his mama, much to the disbelief of his sister and dad (as in, they don’t believe her).
• These are not your father’s Sasquatch – instead of big, hairy, scary ape-like creatures, they’re a kinder, gentler, softer Sasquatch (think giant coconuts with floppy, furry clown feet). Not only that, they can fly if they suck in enough air, they live in a cluster of large underground caverns, and their leader is a shaman Sasquatch who extols several aspects of Native American beliefs.
• When flooding caused by the dam threatens the Sasquatch’s underground lair, Maggie tries to enlist her family to help the Sasquatch find a new place to call home.
• There’s also a who-cares subplot involving mountain man Cletus (Lance LeGault) trying in vain to kidnap Baby Sasquatch in the name of fame and fortune.

Critique:
• For an independent, largely unknown film, The Legend of Sasquatch does have an impressive pedigree of actors, including Hurt, John Rhys-Davis (Gimli from The Lord of the Rings), and voice legends Frank Welker (Scooby Doo’s Fred) as Baby Sasquatch and June Foray (Rocky & Bullwinkle) as Mama Sasquatch. Unfortunately, Welker and Foray are largely wasted, since their vocals for Baby and Mama consist solely of squeaks, grunts, and groans that any competent voice talent could perform.
• Sasquatch does have a cute, upbeat soundtrack, including the song “I Can Dream” by the aforementioned Restaneo sisters, who apparently have quite a thriving musical career. The film also features an angelic, lullaby-like score by Stafford Hebert.
• Regarding the animation, Pixar has nothing to worry about. The character design and movement is pretty basic and sometimes crude, reminiscent of the early days of VeggieTales. Still, it does seem deliberate in its simplicity, if that makes sense.
• The story of Sasquatch owes a lot to E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial – the single-parent family, the doubting older sibling, luring the creature into the open with a trail of items (pine cones in place of Reese’s Pieces)…there’s even a scene of Mama, Baby, and Maggie flying in silhouette in front of a full moon.
• I appreciate and understand that writer/director (and Disney/Henson veteran) Thomas Callicoat made Sasquatch as an independent film, which probably restricted his budget and resources. Still, a strong, compelling story can trump even the most frugal execution; unfortunately, that didn’t happen here. In fact, the last 20 minutes meander a bit, getting muddled in hokum about stars and spirits and Maggie’s ability to talk to her dead mom.

Though The Legend of Sasquatch is a less-than-perfect film, there was one scene I must single out: When the Sasquatch have to leave their caverns and search for a new home, Maggie says, “Everyone I love goes away…just like Mommy.” Ranger Steve (Rhys-Davies) then picks up a fallen pine cone and delivers a response that’s so eloquent and powerful, I had to print it here:

“This pine cone is only a shell. It is an empty container that once overflowed with the seeds of life. Should I be sad for this empty shell, or be happy for the life that is still growing in the forest because of it? Part of this pine cone still lives in every tree it has created. Parts of the ones that you love still live in you…no matter where they are.”

At its core, The Legend of Sasquatch is a simple, cute (albeit anemic) tale about the importance of family – not just having one, but preserving it both now and in the memories we’ll cherish throughout our lives.

Odds and ends:
• The Legend of Sasquatch was released in 2006, but wasn’t available on DVD until October 2008.
• The film received a bunch of family-friendly awards and recognition, including Best Feature Film (Animation) at the 2007 International Family Film Festival, a Dove Foundation seal of Family Approval, an endorsement from the Coalition for Quality Children's Media, and was an Official Selection of the 2007 Kids First! Film Festival.

Rating: 2 stars (out of 5).

What did Dash think?

• Dash was very attentive, but I was checking the clock around the 40-minute mark. Ironically, I was the one fidgeting, not my 5-year-old son.
• No surprise here, but Dash said, “Baby Sasquatch was my favorite.”

Will your kids like it?

The movie is the cinematic equivalent of Nerf; no child will get hurt interacting with it. But older kids will probably find it too slow and syrupy to stay engaged. It’s definitely a better fit for younger children, though be forewarned – there's an early mention by big sister Khristy that Sasquatch is a myth, “just like Santa Claus.” Luckily, Maggie defends that Santa Claus is real, so little ones watching the movie will have someone their age keeping Santa alive and well.

Will your FilmMother like it?

She’ll probably find it a pleasant, inoffensive movie to show to young ones, but if she tries to watch it, I’m pretty sure she’ll be doing clock-checking much like I did.


The Legend of Sasquatch
* Director: Thomas Callicoat
* Screenwriter: Thomas Callicoat
* Stars: William Hurt, John Rhys-Davies, Jewel Restaneo, Blaire Restaneo, Frank Welker, June Foray, Lance LeGault
* MPAA Rating: G


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The Thing (1982)

*UPDATED 3/11*

I’LL MAKE THIS INTRO BRIEF and to the point: If you love sci-fi and/or horror, you must see John Carpenter’s The Thing.

Plot: Scientists at a remote Antarctic research station are confronted by a shape-shifting alien that assumes the identity of the people it kills.

As one of a dozen men inhabiting the research station, Kurt Russell is at the top of his game. He portrays helicopter pilot MacReady as a man who just wants to do his job, get paid, and get drunk – but then is partially forced, partially driven to take charge of the situation.

And forget everything you know about warm, fuzzy character actor Wilford Brimley (Cocoon, those Liberty Medical commercials); in The Thing he’s unpredictable, a bit frightening, and nearly unrecognizable (no Cap’n Crunch mustache) as a scientist who’s slowly losing his marbles.

Upon its release, The Thing was dismissed as a slimy, gratuitous remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic. But over the years, critics and fans have warmed to the film and appreciated not only Rob Bottin’s amazing pre-CGI special effects, but Bill Lancaster’s powerful screenplay, the bass-as-heartbeat musical score by Ennio Morricone (The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly), the nightmarish sound effects of the creatures, and Carpenter’s masterful hand at creating an intense atmosphere of isolation, paranoia, and distrust.

In addition to being a great film, The Thing also had great poster art (see above) and one of the best taglines ever, which can be seen at the end of the trailer (which is also pretty awesome):

And after all these years, after seeing The Thing dozens of times, there’s still one scene that makes me jump. I know it’s coming, but damn if I don’t jump anyway. Any guess what it is? Drop a comment with your thoughts; I’ll reveal the answer in a few days. (For the sake of Thing virgins, don’t use the name of the person involved besides MacReady – call him “Ishmael” instead).

Want further proof that you need to see The Thing? As of this writing, it’s #173 on the Internet Movie Database’s list of the top 250 films of all time.

(For more things Thing, check out the website Outpost #31. It’s astonishing how much information and material they have about this film.)

[UPDATE: Mr. Canacorn was the only one who tried to guess which scene in The Thing still makes me jump. While he wasn’t correct, his mention for his still-jump scene is actually mine too: the blood test! Four words: “We’ll do you last.” Take it away, Ishmael!]

Rating: 4.5 stars (out of 5).

Will your kids want to watch it?

Show one scene of the creature’s transformation to any male tweener, and they’ll be dying for more. However, I’d hold off letting them watch the entire movie for a couple of reasons:


1) While Rob Bottin’s FX are amazing, they are very bloody, gooey, and gory. And there’s also a dash of gunplay and adult language. In other words, its R rating is justified.
2) As a 14-year-old gorehound who saw The Thing on HBO, I was too young to appreciate all the other remarkable elements of the film besides the gnarly special effects.

I know teens are growing up much faster than in my day – and thanks to the Internet, they see more depraved things than ever before. But for your kids to truly appreciate The Thing, I would wait until they are at least a couple years older than I was at my first viewing.

Will your FilmMother like it?

This may be a broad stroke, but I don’t think too many FilmMothers will care for The Thing – which is a shame, because it has top-tier dialogue, direction, acting, and FX. (This is probably one to watch by yourself, with your buddies, with your teenage son(s), etc.) However, if she likes being scared or burying her face in your shoulder when nasty stuff happens on-screen, you may be in luck.


The Thing
* Director: John Carpenter
* Screenwriter: Bill Lancaster
* Stars: Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, T.K. Carter, David Clennon, Keith David, Richard Dysart, Richard Masur, Charles Hallahan
* MPAA Rating: R


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