The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

HIS NAME WAS DENNIS, and he was my best friend in 3rd grade.

One Monday morning, Dennis couldn’t wait to tell me about a movie he saw over the weekend: a horror flick called The Incredible Melting Man, about an astronaut named Steve West (Alex Rebar) who comes back from space after flying through the rings of Saturn, causing his body and mind to disintegrate, making him kill.

I had seen ads for The Incredible Melting Man in the paper, and the shot of the man’s decomposing face terrified me. But Dennis proceeded to tell me all the details about the film, from the melting man’s goriest kills to his ooey, gooey demise.

It sounded like the greatest film ever made.

Over the years, I began to hear just how wrong I was. The Incredible Melting Man is panned in virtually every review you read. It even got the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment in 1996. But it still gnawed at me that I hadn’t seen this film for myself. So recently I decided to try and watch it through the eyes of a third grader, and see if it would have been cool to my inner 9-year-old.


Dennis better pray I never see him at a high school reunion.

The Incredible Melting Man is excruciatingly bad. Less than ten minutes in, the cheesiness envelops you, much like the gelatinous goo swallowing up West, our tragic hero turned mindless monster. When he’s not busy ripping people apart, West spends a lot of time wandering across hillsides, sometimes with a beautiful sunset behind him.

The acting in The Incredible Melting Man alternates between wooden and melodramatic. As Dr. Ted Nelson, the man trying to track down West, Burr DeBenning is dreadful. He looks clammy and emaciated, and delivers every line like he was told his dog died just before writer/director William Sachs yelled “Action!”

Sachs’ script doesn’t help matters. Here are a few doozies from the dialogue:

“Steve escaped.”
“He what?”
“Did you get some crackers?”

“You mean he’s radioactive?”
“Just a little bit.”

“Don’t call me baby.”
“Ok, sorry, honey.”

The Incredible Melting Man’s score by Arlon Ober sounds like something from a ‘70s cop drama – right down to the dramatic “DUM-dum-dummm” when something “shocking” happens. The only reason, if any, to sit through the film is to witness the early work of Oscar-winning special effects legend Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London).


Contrary to what I thought of Dennis’ word-of-mouth review, The Incredible Melting Man is not great. It’s not good. It’s just bad. It’s not even “so bad it’s good.” There are no scares. No suspense. Like the melting man himself, the film aimlessly lumbers from one scene to the next until it mercifully ends.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Incredible Melting Man is rated R, and for good reason:
Violence/Scariness: A nurse’s mutilated face is shown. The melting man tears off a victim’s head off-screen, then we see it tossed into a river, where it cracks open on a rock like a melon (the victim’s bloody, headless corpse appears in a later shot). The melting man rips apart and dines on an elderly couple. There are several scenes of the melting man, well, melting – all gooey with random body parts falling off. A potential victim chops off the melting man’s arm with a meat cleaver. A sheriff repeatedly shoots the melting man, who shows his appreciation by tossing the sheriff onto high voltage power lines, frying him. A major character is shot in the head. The melting man’s final demise is a gooey, crunchy mess.
Sex/Nudity: A model gets topless at a photo shoot in the woods.
Smoking: Three kids share a cigarette behind a house.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Unless she’s got a soft spot for low-budget horror cheese, highly unlikely. The Incredible Melting Man is a bloody, gooey affair with little redeeming value.

But wait – there’s more!

Act now and get your very own Incredible Melting Mandle, made by Stexe of Futurechimp:

The Incredible Melting Man
* Director: William Sachs
* Screenwriter: William Sachs
* Stars: Alex Rebar, Burr DeBenning, Myron Healey, Michael Alldredge
* MPAA Rating: R


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Congrats to the winner of the Dark Knight Rises / Magic Mike Blu-ray Combo Pack Giveaway!

And...

The winner is...

imbigwille!

Thanks to everyone who entered the contest!

Win a Blu-ray Combo Pack of The Dark Knight Rises or Magic Mike!

JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: You could win a Blu-ray Combo Pack (Blu-ray/DVD/Digital Copy) of The Dark Knight Rises or Magic Mike!

How to Enter:
Comment on this post by December 19, 2012. I will then pick one comment at random and post the winner. (The winner will have to e-mail me their mailing address to receive their prize.)

Rules:

• You must have a link to your e-mail address on your Blogger profile page. If not, you must provide your e-mail address in your comment.
• Prize is available to United States mailing addresses only. (No P.O. boxes.)
• Winning prize title will be chosen at random.

After you comment, try the Warner Brothers Happy Holidays App, featuring some classic and new movies out on Blu-ray - including The Dark Knight Rises, Magic Mike, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, and Blade Runner - as well as fun, interactive features such as:

• Holiday Movie Challenge - Are you a true cinephile? Keep your movie skills sharp with this quick quiz.
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Happy holidays from FilmFather -- and thanks for playing!

Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa (2012)

APPARENTLY I’M NOT HIP to what’s, uh, hip in the world of online videos.

Turns out there’s this dancing fella from Germany called Gummibar, who’s racked up tens of millions of hits on YouTube with his infectious series of techno, Autotuned dance songs like this:

After dozens of videos with song topics ranging from soccer to love to bubble baths, Gummibar’s next step was obvious: his own Christmas movie.

In Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa, after Santa is kidnapped by Allen the alien, Gummy and his friends – Harry the chameleon, Vampiro the bat, and Calla the cat – jump into action to rescue him to keep Christmas on schedule. (They take the group’s jet plane, because of course they have one.)

 

Look, anyone who willingly watches this movie isn’t looking for high art. Taking that into consideration, Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is a harmless, entertaining way to pass an hour with your kids if you’re snowed in or they’re warming up from playing outside. It has good-enough animation (Harry the chameleon’s independent eye movements are a nice touch) and eye-rolling punchlines your kids will eat up. It also has a sense of self-awareness (someone calls Gummy a “famous dancing green confectionary from the Internet”) and passing references to Die Hard 2, The Wizard of Oz, Jerry Maguire, Chinatown, Titanic, and Top Gun.

Gummibar: TYGSS also features several musical numbers (yes, Gummy does his signature tune), including songs as part of a dance-off between Gummy and Allen for possession of Santa – though someone should have told directors Jurgen Korduletsch and Bernie Denk that when it comes to Gummy’s song “Nuki Nuki” (German for “pacifier”), the term “nookie” means something entirely different in America. Lyrics like “How I love my nuki” and “My nuki never leaves my mouth” take on a whole new unintended meaning…

At times it may feel like a glorified TV special, but Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is passable fun for your family Christmas viewing – though it may take a team of specialists to remove the green guy’s songs from your head.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy liked Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa, but it was Jack-Jack who loved it. He laughed out loud at many jokes, and could barely stay in his seat during much of the action.

Is it suitable for your kids?

Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is unrated, but features some mild rude humor: Santa lets out a quick fart squeezing into a chimney, says “my butt hurts” after landing on his rear, then shows a little “plumber’s crack” while bending over to pick up presents. In other areas: Alan the alien does kidnap Santa, but it’s never shown as malevolent; Calla gives Vampiro a quick kiss under a mistletoe.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Depending on her mindset going in, she’ll most likely feel that Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa is either very disposable or somewhat annoying. She could probably find better ways to spend her time…and worse ones, to be fair.

Hey family, Santa here.
Y'know, there's this service called a chimney sweep?!

Gummibar: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa
* Directors: Jurgen Korduletsch, Bernie Denk
* Screenwriters: Jurgen Korduletsch, Bernie Denk
* Stars: Sonja Ball, Rick Jones, Bruce Dinsmore, Mike Paterson
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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Elf-Man (2012)

PICTURE THIS: an independent, family-friendly holiday movie from the creators of horror films such as House, Scarecrows, and Children of the Corn V – and featuring one of the stars of MTV’s Jackass?

Elf-Man tells the story of the Harper family – scientist dad Eric (The Facts of Life’s Mackenzie Astin), son Ryan (Blake Kaiser), daughter Kasey (Carly Robell), and visiting Gramma (Marty Terry) – who are about to celebrate their first Christmas without their mom, who recently died. After dad invents a powerful energy-conserving device on Christmas Eve, he steps out to run an errand and is abducted by a trio of bumbling kidnappers, led by Jeffrey Combs (of the ‘80s horror classic Re-Animator), who want Dad’s new invention for themselves.

Meanwhile, as Gramma puts the kids to bed, Santa and his sleigh arrive on the rooftop, accompanied by a pair of elves. To make Kasey’s Christmas wish for a happy family come true, he leaves behind one of his elves (Jason “Wee Man” Acuña) to help find Dad. Will the elf lose faith in himself, or will he find his true powers to become a real superhero?

Despite backgrounds in horror, Elf-Man director Ethan Wiley and co-writer Richard Jeffries do a commendable job of creating a balance in tone for kids and adults. They also successfully capture the idyllic setting of Christmas in a small town (Jeffries’ hometown of Frederick, MD), enhanced by the heartwarming score by Joseph Bauer.

That’s not to say Elf-Man is all warm and fuzzies. There’s plenty of action and hijinks to keep the film moving, including the antics of the kids, the elf, and the trio of goofy kidnappers – resulting in laugh-out-loud moments such as a funny homage to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly and a running joke of people mistaking the elf for a troll, a hobbit, a leprechaun, and an Oompa-Loompa.

After the elf lets the kids down by not bringing their dad home, he get a firm talking-to by Dad’s female companion Amy (Mirrely Taylor) as she hands him a superhero suit made by the kids. He then transforms into Elf-Man (play along), pushing his elfin magic to the limit to stop the bad guys, bring back Dad’s invention, and create the happy family Christmas that Kasey asked for in her wish.

Some leaps in logic and continuity in Elf-Man may frustrate grown-ups, but kids won’t care or notice. And the acting range of Acuña and the kids is a bit limited compared to the experienced cast. But Elf-Man is fun family viewing and a nice detour from (or addition to?) the standard Christmas favorites we watch every year.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

They both really enjoyed Elf-Man, laughing often at the stupidity of the kidnappers and rooting against them. Though when Dad and Amy share a mistletoe kiss, FilmBoy deadpanned, “I hate this movie.”

 

Is it suitable for your kids?

Elf-Man is not rated, but was given the “Family Approved” seal by The Dove Foundation.
Mild Rude Humor: Elf-Man handles a “pooper scooper” for Santa’s reindeer; one of the reindeer farts. Elf-Man belches loudly in the film’s finale.
Violence/Scariness: Dad is held captive by the three kidnappers; they tie him up and put duct tape over his mouth. Kasey cries in bed about her deceased mom, which may be upsetting to some younger children.
Language: Mild name-calling, such as “idiot” and pea-brain.”
Adult Situations: Dad and Amy share a romantic kiss.
Drugs/Alcohol: A man at a bar appears a bit inebriated.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Elf-Man can be fun holiday viewing for the whole family, FilmMother included…though I don’t know how she’ll feel about yet another family film featuring a dead mom (i.e. Finding Nemo, Bambi, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs).

Hold still…I’m just gonna take a little off the top…

Elf-Man
* Director: Ethan Wiley
* Screenwriters: Richard Jefferies, Ethan Wiley
* Stars: Blake Kaiser, Carly Robell, Jason “Wee Man” Acuña, Jeffrey Combs, Mackenzie Astin, Mirelly Taylor
* MPAA Rating: N/A


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